Any advice welcome

[ck90]

I hav recently split frm my 1 yr olds dad and need some advice on what to do with regards to him having access to our lil boy. whenever i offer it he turns it dwn bt if i say no he gets huffy and i cant seem to win. i dont want to hav to go down the road of getting lawyers involved bt dont see any other way to have him be a regular part of his life.

Hi. Why have you said no to his requests to have you DS?
A solicitor won't be able to make him see his DS but they will be able to agree times etc but going down a solicitor route can sometimes make things worse.

OK from personal experience I have finally learnt what I should have done in the first place which is......

First of all decide yourself how often and when you want your x to see your son. Then make a schedule and mark down the days/eves you want him to have your boy on.

Then email/call/speak to him and show him your schedule and ask him if he agrees to it.

If he wants to change the days/eves then be as flexible as you can but once you've agreed on the schedule make sure you both agree it should not be changed by either party unless of an emergency.

That way you both have a say and you can both then realistically stick to the schedule, without spending money on solicitors etc.

If he doesn't stick to it then remind him politely what you agreed.

You will see over the next few months whether he is going to be comitted to seeing your son regularly. Let him be the one to show you he's not interested, and never get into a row about it. That will take all the stress off you and he'll soon realise that he's being the problem.

I assume you are getting support from him. If not, you will need to speak to him about this too.

Best of luck at this difficult time.

the only reason i hav refused is due to the fact tht when he does see him he smokes around him which i hav asked countless times for him not to do, he keeps him up past his bedtime and messes up his routine which i then hav to battle to organise again

its frustrating......but those are not valid reasons to refuse him his access

we all parent differently

Sorry but I have to agree with TBB here.

Smoking is a vile habit but its currently still legal. And sorry but I think you'd be laughed out of court if you try to suggest a valid reason to deny contact was because he's allowed to stay up later than at your house.

they may not b valid reasons however i feel strongly about protecting my son's health. i offer him every day to see our son and he turns it down as he is too busy messing about with his car and playing computer games with his friends. that doesnt seem like a very good example to set for our son in future years. even his own family hav said it is ridiculous

Ridiculous as it may be, they still are not good enough reasons. I have just been through court with access problems myself, and know courts and cafcass won't see what you have stated, as a good enough excuse

worrying about health is only a tiny part of being a parent........I say pick your battles, because there will be bigger ones to come yet

What you need to do CK is try to agree upon a fixed schedule. Chasing him on a daily basis to see his son helps no-one, not even your son who won't know where he is one day to the next.

Oh and don't bother about what his family say or are telling you they think. When push comes to shove, blood is always thicker than water.

you need a fixed schedule as hanbanan said.

then if he doesnt turn up he doesnt. but you cant live your life chasing him.

"First of all decide yourself how often and when you want your x to see your son. Then make a schedule and mark down the days/eves you want him to have your boy on.

Then email/call/speak to him and show him your schedule and ask him if he agrees to it.

If he wants to change the days/eves then be as flexible as you can but once you've agreed on the schedule make sure you both agree it should not be changed by either party unless of an emergency.
"

The schedule thing is the only thing that works when it comes to co-parenting.

Bear in mind that you are not "letting" your ex see his son, you are co-parenting, and has rights too.

I agree that your reasons although understandable, really aren't good enough reasons to deny access.

I have co parented with my DD father for about 4 years now and the ONLY way it works is because we have a set routine (which I don't mind sharing if you need inspriation) and because i respect the fact that he is her Dad as much as I am her Mum and that gives him just as much right to make parental decisions.

There have been things that I have had to REALLY bite my tounge about in the past - but bite my tomgue I have because I can't tell him what to do.
I have made suggestions, and with regards to health and schooling have brought in outside (official) advice i.e. letters or comments from health visitors or teachers but ultimately it is down to him if he respects that or not.

Sorry, but that's just the way it goes....good luck in getting it sorted without solicitors

have taken the advice of some and drafted up a schedule 4 visiting so heres hoping the ex accepts it and sticks to it this time

That's a good step forward but an important part of what people have said is that it is a joint agreement, you can't just say right, I've done a schedule, he has to acceot it. It's already pretty clear that there is friction between you and refusing someone contact with their child is bound to make that situation much worse so a bit of tact in terms of agreeing a plan together might go some way towards inproving the situation.

I suggest that you approach him with "I think a fixed schedule might help so I've come up with a schedule as a starting point we can discuss...." rather than expecting him to simply accept it.

Its just easier that way and appeals to his better nature. He's also more likely to stick to a schedule he's had input into rather than one he feels was imposed on him

Really good advice - I agree with trying to see it as co-parenting.

It's a try and error process you'll both find something at works for you both.

Good luck.

ok so took the advice of some and set up days for visiting between the x and our son and of the 3 days we agreed to he cancelled 2 of them, this doesnt sound like a dedicated dad to me. if he was so determined to be a gd dad wouldnt he turn up to all three?

well of course he would....but he doesnt...so best you can do is make ds available,and keep a diary!!

Did he say why he couldn't make it?

You have got to stop acting as though you are in charge and your XP must obey you over everything. Even though you are the parent-with-care, your XP is still ds' father and ds has a right to a relationship with his dad - the only grounds you could have for stopping contact would be if XP was a serious danger to the child (ie violent, seriously mentally ill to the point he can't look after himself or an addict/alcoholic who is putting the child at risk by being intoxicated).

It may be that your XP is not very interested in being a father and he may fade out of DS life to an extent but it may be that your XP is playing up because he feels that you are controlling and unreasonable. You have to try to work out a co-parenting relationship that is as amicable as you can make it, which means acknowledging that XP is entitled to do things differently from you.

hanbanan had the best advice in my experience.

OP; He sounds like an arse. I'm with you there. But I dont feel on one hand you can say he cant see your child then the next minute he can.

Write up a rota. He cant have him on times that aren't on the rota and if he chooses not to have him at the times he should do, rest assured he is the only one missing out.

The problem with not having a rota is that as children get older they need routine.

Your life will be hard enough to plan as a single mum without having to chop and chnage your plans in accordance with when your ex wakes up and decides he wants to be a dad that day.

Get him to agree to the rota and makes any changes that you both agree on from the start.

Good luck, its hard work... Im 3 years down the line now.. but despite all the worries at the beginning my daughter has turned out ok.

Its a slog but you'll find your way.

xxx

we set up a rota between us that he could manage yet he didnt turn up. he hasnt given any excuses as to why he hasnt turned up which yes i'm angry about but i am more upset at the fact my ds is missing out on quality time with his father

Its so hard isnt it. You can't make him do what he doesnt want to huh? Just keep sending the swine the rota, no rows or shouting. And keep hold of it. That way at least when little one grows up they can see you tried.

Can I just ask what kind of contact you are talking about here? I mean, you talked about not wanting him to have your DS because he smoked, kept him up past bedtime etc...Are you offering contact at your house or for your ex to have the child?

Obviously it shouldn't make any difference in terms of him wanting to see his son, but if there has been friction he may not want to spend time near you (apols in advance if I'm way off the mark)

he has our son at his place as we no longer get along so he sees him at his place on what is meant to be 3 days a wk on a tuesday thursday and saturday. last wk he cancelled 2 days and this wk he hasnt even bothered contacting me to cancel he just hasnt bothered showing up or answering my txts. i just dont see how any of this is fair on our son

The simple answer is that its not fair. If life were fair, I'd be a rich man and married to Alice Eve.

Ok, so you've now got a schedule which hopefully he had input into so he can't accuse you of denying him access.

If he cannot/will not live up to his responsibilities then that's just that.

There really is no point getting stressed about it. Doing so will make you mad, will give him satisfaction of thinking you can't live without him and is an exercise in futility.

As the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

The other thing worth considering is if you want your child somewhere they are not wanted? If the stupid man doesnt want his child there they'll pick up on the resentment quickly.