how to cope with DS's behavour when he has been to hid Dad's

[sadperson123]

Hi All

I have only recently seperated from my H (Jan 10), and have so far been managing quite well on my own with my 6 1/2yr old DS.

I have always been the disciplinarian, as my H was the laid back one who never told DS off or instilled any rules etc, he was the one who played with our DS (When it suited him), but enjoyed the rewards when DS had good manners, was a lovely little boy etc etc.

My H has moved next door to his friend who has a DS the same age as our DS, so whenever he visits his Daddy it is playtime all of the time, as he splits his time between my H rental property and his friends house.

I am now finding that my DS, who I love dealry is asking when he can go and visit Daddy again, and can he stay extra nights etc etc.

Yesterday was particularly bad, as our DS knew that my H had people around to dinner, and there were going to be lots of children there, whereas at home it was just boring old Mummy. I tried to make the day exciting, as we went and ran the sport relief mile etc etc, but when he came home and rang his Daddy, found out there were lots of people there, he was a total nightmare, he told me that he was bored, and he wanted to go back to Daddy's, he asked me when he was next going, and when I told him he said "Yeesssss" and then asked if he could go and stay a week, which I said I'm sure he could go away for a week with Daddy in the Summer.

He then asked if he could go and stay for 13 weeks (no idea where he got 13 weeks from), and I just snapped (Which I know I shouldn't have done) burst into tears and said maybe he would like to go and live with Daddy full time (I know it was wrong and childish). DS instantly said he didn't want to, we both ended up crying and said sorry to each other, and we were fine.

But today he has started it all over again, asking when he can see Daddy, and could Daddy come over and look after him for a few hours (he is off school poorly !). I was OK today and didn't snap, but I can feel myself getting really angry and resentful about it all. I know I should feel happy that my DS is so excited about seeing his Dad, and that he has a good relationship with him, but god it's hard to take.

My H was crap when we were living together, prefering to go to play golf or the pub rather than play with DS, and it was always me who took him swimming, for days out, the cinema, on his bike etc etc.

I am just feeling really sorry for myself at the mo, and need some advice on coping strategies, and if anyone has any experience of this, and how they coped.

As I really struggling with it all the mo, and life seems to becoming so hard, even though I know it was the right thing to do.

Thanks for reading and sorry it was so long.

It is always hard and our DS's must struggle as they are in the middle. You need to remember that you will always be his mum and that can never change.

I try to joke him out of it, but it is difficult, espically when you know what ex was like before.

I personally find that I try not to compete (as his Dad will spend any amount of money on him. But I do knash my teeth and pummel a few pillows!!!

No easy answers sorry, but you are not alone in feelings.

Hi Primroselady

Gosh I'm sooo glad someone else understands it and "Gets it" - If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been on your own for ?

I felt after reading the other posts, that I was really awful, worrying about how I cope with my DS LOVING to be with his Dad, as others have to cope with the other way around.

My H is exaclty like yours, in so much that he will buy him anything he wants, has no rules in the house, feeds him crap all day long (Eg: madonalds, biscuits, crisps etc) when I am trying to get him to eat properly, behave with manners, understand that there are rules to life (not biggies, but respect things and people etc).

I want to say "Your dad was a twxt, who was sleeping around and didn't give a stuff about his family" but would never do it, as none of this is our gorgeous DS's fauly.

God I could scream and cry all at the same time !!!!!

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a similar situation. "Dad" moved out in November and moved back in with his mum. At first my ds's aged 12 and 3 were excited and constantly questioned when they would see Dad again. Now the novelty has worn off! The "exiting times" now revolve round trips to the park if it is dry, and films, sometimes the same film, week in week out, on dvd if it isn't! My ex was a waste of space on the dad front when we were married, not taking boys on really, going out at least 3 nights a week etc I always said I would be better off as a single parent - and I am!

We have slowly set regular contact at weekends, mainly through my eldest son. The boys know exactly where they are upto and things have settled down. I originally encouraged talking on the phone during the week, but this stopped now. They see dad every Saturday afternoon and stay over every other Saturday, and all this from the man who was going to fight me for custody!

It is a very hard situation to be in. You just have to believe your ex will eventually get fed up and the novelty will wear off! Mum's provide routine and stability and children need that... my boys love coming home to normality, and their things, their rooms etc, etc, etc!

Stay strong and positive!

Thanks for your message Katie, you sound so strong, positive and sorted, it gives me strength that I will get through this time.

My H has gone from being really flexible and him having him every weekend overnight, to wanting him every other weekend from Friday - Monday and doing the drop off at school (Something he never ever did when I begged him and begged him to, so he could help me out with work, when he was here), but now he can suddenly cope ! I said I was unhappy with 3 nights, as it would interrupt school eg: getting homework completed, getting school uniform ready, having a quiet night in preparation for school etc, plus the fact that I have never ever been without DS for more than 2 nights in his whole life.

I explained this to my H and he just stormed off, and said he wanted it, and him one night every other week. I just cried and cried when he said it, but I am trying to hold firm and still say no. He also rings DS every night and "Pops in" every night he fancies, and I have been so flexible, and have never ever said one word to DS about his selfish Dad, that my DS's want to see his DD soo much, feels really hard to take.

Just hope it gets easier, and H will eventually get fed up with all the popping in and we can get some proper kind of routine in place.

Until then I suppose I need to keep counting to 10 (or in my case 1000)

It does take time! We have "open contact" written into the terms of our divorce but it has taken a while to settle down. At first I wondered "what I had done!"

Now I make sure I always take the boys to his house, rather than him picking them up, (it is my house now and he is not welcome!) I agree school nights need "calm and routine" they also interfere with his social life so are not a problem anymore!

The novelty for your ex will wear off as well. Like you said, he didn't do school runs before, bet he didn't get uniforms ready either!

It does get easier!

Another bit about the money - I paid my ex to leave so he can now buy toys and splash the cash. I just let him - it is stuff I don't need to buy!

can i just add oh i know exactly how you feel and you have my absolute sympathy

my xh also a 'twt who slept around' etc and it was always me who did stuff with the dcs and it is soooooo hard to bite my tongue sometimes and not point that out

my xh is very well off and takes my dcs on expensive holidays, meals out etc and i am left nagging about homework bedtime etc (ds aged 12 and dd aged 10)it also hurts that i am not sharing these fun times with them, its my xh and his young gf

but 2 years in i can only tell you that despite this there are now weekends where they will say, when i say they are going to their dads 'oh no, i wanted to stay at home'

i am hopeful that one day they will realise that i am the one who is always actually there when they need me. same for you. after all your ds didnt say 'yes please' when you snapped about him living with his dad and of course he wants his mum

oh and i have done that too, the snapping - cried in front of my ds and made him cry cos of it...dont beat yourself up about it..only human etc i am thinking it doesnt do any harm for them once in a while to know we get hurt too

your ds is awful young and sadly we do take our mums for granted i know my 2 probably mostly see me as a slave

but given time and the love and care he obviously gets from you your ds will settle down

just remember - he doesnt prefer your xh. mothers and sons a very close bond

anyway no big help i know just, oh i know its so painful when you love them so much and it hurts when this happens and i feel for you

but just know you are absolutley not alone and it reallly will be ok

Thank you for such a lovely kind message Sez.

I do love my son so very much, and like you say it breaks my heart that he wants to be with his Dad so much, when I've given him so much love, but as you say one day he will realise it, and I should be thankful that he wants to spend time with his Dad, and Vice versa.

We have had a lovely day today, as DS is off school, so we have been for a walk (He's not ill as in a cold etc), then baked some muffins, and popped over to a neighbours, and it feels like it normally does.

He is very excited about seeing his Dad tomorrow (Which is good) but he hasn't talked about it non stop. When it is like this I can cope, it's when the balance is tipped and I feel like the boring/strict one.

I'm sure we have got lots of these situations to come in the future, I've just got to learn to cope with it.

At the moment my H and I are quite amicable, but I know all this will change when we start to talk about money, and properly seperate, I just hope I can cope with my DS wanting to be with him when I can't stand him (Which I am sure will happen, as my H is totally motivated by money, and we will have quite a chunk to row over !)

Ho hum and life goes on.

Thanks again for all your replies, I was really feeling like a self centred crxp mother, having the feelings I did. You have all made me realise that there are others out there who feel the same.

Yet again saved by the power of MumsNet - thank everyone.

I went through this when my DCs said they wanted to see more of their dad and we were considering 2 nights during the week. I really didn't want this, have been the primary carer since they were born and felt it would be unsettling. But I also want to support the children and am trying to keep that focus.

After half term when they spent 4 days with him they suddenly went very quiet about the idea. Then dad started on about it in a way that suggested I was pushing for this! I was livid and then decided all I could do was be honest. I told the DCs I would miss them but would support them in whatever they wanted to do. But I also told them to be honest with themselves and not do this because they thought everyone else wanted it.

Upshot is, we've left things as they were (which was working) but have told them that if they want to try something else in the future, we can always discuss it.

sadperson123 I really think that this "fun" time for our ds dad is a bit unfair to say the least when you have to do fun time and do all the parenting.

Why should he go friday afterschool till Monday jsutbefroe school? why get all weekend when he could do Sunday, Monday Tuesday on one of his weekends and then go ten days and do thursday night till sunday morning - fine get him to do the three night sbut let him do soem of the routin stuff as well, get him to do the pack lunch and the school uniform.

It is much more involved if they do the shcool nights and not just the fun weekends and leave resident parents to pick up all the slack afte the weekends.