How can I stay amicable when my husband is being a raging lunatic?

[EmLJ]

I am at my wits end (ooh, how dear deirdree does that sound!).

In a nutshell, husband has mental health issues which make him paranoid and prone to rage, and though he's never been directly violent to me, his unpredictable rants and regular threats to end our marriage if I so much as question him have taken their toll. I am in myself a very happy-go-lucky, reasonably intelligent, optimistic sort of person who has been kidding myself for 10 years that my husband will change, if only I could make him see what an arse he is being. He won't.

Just recently our heated exchanges involved suicide threats, damage to our property, threats to cut off his pay to our joint account and he cut off actually did cut off all my email accounts and my business website I'm developing (He's in IT, and he has since put them back again). I called the police re the suicide and damage and other threats he'd been making and now social services and doctors are invloved. He is now staying permanently with his parents, who were in sympathy with me until I phoned the police and are now closing ranks and have not even bothered to call to see if me and our son is ok (we have a 4 year old)

The worst thing is seeing the effect on him, watching Mummy fall apart and watching us deal with Daddy falling apart. Why is it when men f**k up everyone has to suffer? Or is that just the man I married? How do you even go to the place where you can talk about things like 'amicable separation' and 'contact' when I can barely keep him from banging the phone down on me and demanding I sell the house my son and I are in within the month or he'll stop paying the mortgage.

I have already seen a solicitor and he is prepping a letter - I just can't believe the mountain of issues I am now faced with. My son is supposed to start his new School in September and I'm supposed to be solid for him and I'm a nervous wreck and he's become worryingly clingy and fractious, and keeps asking when he can see his Daddy. Today he had a complete breakdown just before his swimming lesson and I had to take him home and feed him pizza. I don't always cope very well and he suffers for that.

The worse, most stupid and ridiculous thing is I still love my husband. But I also hate him for what he's putting us through. Right now he feels sorry and wants to come down and spend some time with us to see if he can put things right, and in my weak, in denial moments I really want that too, but I shouldn't let that happen should I? The following day he could feel something completely different...

oh i am so sorry you are having such an awful time. It sound like you are coping better than most would and you have been coping by carrying on with your DS routine as best you can and seeking help from the police and solicitor so well done you.

You are not stupid to still love him, love is not something you can just switch off.

Being clingy and anxious and meltdowns are to be expected from your Ds you just have to cope the best you can and let him tell you how he is feeling. Can you explain to him that Daddy is staying with Granny and Grandad for a while? Can you agree that he sees his dad for a few hours maybe somewhere like the park or let him phone with you listening on loud speech. just so your son doesnt think dads gone for good.

Please dont put yourself down, you did cope, you took your DS home and cheered him up. Try to have as many cuddle times with your DS as possible and let him be clingy if he needs to be. Its very natural for him to need to be as he will be worried that you may go away too.

If he really wants to putthings right then he needs to agree with you a recovery plan, what help / medication / counselling does he need and time for you all to have a breather from the stress. So its good that he is away from your home for the time being.

he cant force you to sell the house just like that. I;m sure your solicitors will tell you.

as for the phone calls, state up front that you will talk to him but if he gets angry aggressive or threatenting then you will end the call and mean it and do it.

I've had many such a call and have ended them when ex got nasty. He soon called back but calmer.

you absolutely did the right thing by calling the police and so dont let your inlaws closing ranks bother you. No parent wants to admit their son has behaved so appallingly to his wife and child. Mine didnt.

I hope you have some RL friends you can turn to for help and support, you need a pal around you now.

sorry if this isn't much help, just wanted to make sure your post was answered and to let you know that you are not alone.

hugs.

Thank you lady, its loads of help x I just hate that all my energy that I want to spend on my son and enjoying life is being sapped by this horrendous relationship whatever turn it takes.

you are welcome.

we separated a few months ago and it was horrible at first, but now DD is very settled and happy, the clingy bit has gone and we have nice cuddles and fun. DD sees her dad most weekends (with me there) and has accepted him as a 'visitor' we are all calmer and happier.

I too really resented the time and stress ex caused me and felt he was robbing me of good times with dd. But now we are separated it is better, he can rage away all on his own and I can put the phone down if he is being unreasonable. When he visits he makes the effort to be nice as I have told him I will call the police if there is even a hint of his rage. And on one occassion I did pick the phone up to call them, but he quickly backed down.

Whatever you decide to do, the hardest step has already happened - he has moved out and your family is now different. But it can be better this way and if he can get help there might be a chance of you living together if that is what you really want. But bear in mind, its not your DH leaving that is upsetting your son, but the stress, anger, rages he has witnessed up to now. It is important he never sees this again.

As for seeing you upset, that does worry children, I have often told DD that it is ok to be sad sometimes and then we chat about it and how we are going to cheer ourselves up. It works for us so maybe you could try it too.

Now you are on your own with your DS you and he can do whatever you want to have happy days. Try a few treats and fun things. Start building happy memories with him and you and he will feel better.

I'm so glad you replied - thank you x

I have an ex a bit like this.

Although I hate doing it, treating him like a child having trantrums helps the situation.

If he starts to lose it I hang up with 'I'm not going to be shouted at, email me about this if it is too upsetting to talk about'
He used to kick off outside the house too so then it was 'I'm going in now....same as above'

We actually do much better talking about anything serious by email now, and it means there is a record of what we've agreed for both of us to check back at if needed.

And although there are set backs, on the whole we have moved into a place where we can have a brief chat on the door step when picks up DD, because all the issues are dealt with somewhere else. I used to have to whizz DD out and get back inside because if we spoke more than a couple of words it would escalate into behaviour I didn't want DD exposed to.

have his mental health issues been diagnosed?

anyway... had /have simialr situation...

so, he isnt going to change - unless he is sekeing appropriate help for the metnal ehalth issues. even if he is, it will be a long haul. and in my experience - good days cna be followed b y bad - good weeks can be followed by bad weeks (depending on diagnosis and treatment being given of course)

next q - are you separated? is it over or not? you say he has threatened to end the marriage? (my exP made those threats too -funnily enough when i did properly end the relationship he couldnt accept that... )

maybe at least for now you ahve to be clear to yourself, to your H to your son: foir now (next few months) it is over, and he has time alone to sort out his mental ehalth issues,

then you need to think practical: finance.

and contact with his son - regular, set days not as and when your H feels like it. it will help your H to know on xx days at xx tiems he will se ehis son .

if you want you cna slo set set times time-limited where you enet with him to discuss your and his issues, your relationship etc.

the only way to deal with MH issues is to set clear boundaries and stick to them. dont have him in your house for now, you need some space; have your son visit with him at his parents place or public place eg soft play/ park.

make that separation adn set specific times to meet/speak - that way if there is a future back together you can set the terms and conditions and rules of behaviour. the threats adn damge --are not explained by mental health i dont think - it gets tangled up but if he is using threats of suicide as threats then he knows what he is doing..... if he is truly psychotic/oaranoid/cant control himself then he needs erious treatment/medication and that si not somehting you can provide unless you a) professional MH worker and b) dont have to look after your son at same time.

i dont think anyone can look after a small child and a seriously ill adult at the same time..... child must come first . if you addressing the adult's issues then someone else must be looking after the child...that is by the by as clearly you are with your child and your H is at his aprents. decision been made.

for you son, if your H is going to stay with his parents for now - then establish a set routine and schedule for contact so you can say and show on calendar - (you can make a simple days of the week wall chart) you will see daddy on this day at this time at this place. maybe at his parents place? so they around and you are not?

you cannot apply normal rules of amicable separation with someone who doesnt act "normally".

you need to disengage from him, put you and son first, establish regular routine contact dad/son that does not involve you.

is easier said than done...i know. i amde many mistakes such as allowing exP to visit dcs at my new place etc. thinking i could supervise contact etc.

are you working? what is your financial position?

what are you asking solicitor to say? if anythign like my ex he will not react in "normal" way to any solicitor letter...

it's ok to put yourself and son first and create stable secure safe home for you and him - and leave your H to get help etc. if his parents blank you - well their loss - but you could write to them to ask for help in supporting contact with their grandson and son...

. so long as you have rl support yourself.

what is SS suggesting?

if you had to call police and he has damaged stuff then is best you don't have him back (not even to talk - you can do this elsewhere in public place if you want to for set limited time eg one hour) for some time - it will just kick off again; if he has MH issues then many months needed til you can be sure he stable...

the worst times for me and dcs were the bit when i adh moved out with dcs but was trying to estbalish amicable "you can come see kids when you want" - it jsut didnt work he would kick off damage stuff, threten suicide etc if we didnt get abck togetehr...

the best time was after i adh called police, banne dhim from home and gradaully it led to very set routine for (initially contact centre) supervised contact...and for myself trying to disengage and trying to only communicate by email...

you stillc alling him H so i guess is not o clear for you - but maybe by establishing clear "separation" from now (even if with view that in few months you might wish to get back together again - as it not clear what you want in terms of separating ? ) and taking seriously his threats/MH issues and setting very clear boundaries and set routines/times for contact with his son.

this will actually help him.

one thing family therapist/psychologists told me was i was sending mixed messages eg by allowing him free acess in my home to see dcs etc - for a person without MH isues it might have been clear - for him it was not - he started saying things like "but we live together" when clearly we did not! but as he was allowed in my new home he thought it was his because his dcs lived there..

sorri typos!