Single Mum of 1 pregnant again and not sure I can manage being single mum of 2

[Bubbles2009]

I'm a single mum to my 13 month DD. I found motherhood initially very hard doing it all on my own no family etc. Had a brief reunion with DD's Dad and I mean the once and I am pregnant. I do have a good job, own home but I would be doing it totally on my own and i don't know what to do. I've read the threads I've been to the doctors I've asked for a termination but I'm not sure and I'm too scared to talk to friends because of how stupid I've been. I can barely believe it's happening all over again. The Dad said can't be his cause only the once.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do with my DD if I go ahead with a termination as I never leave her. I feel stupid even worrying about that when I should be worrying about what to do. Which of course I am.

My DD has just started sleeping through the night and I have the evenings to cook and relax. The idea of sleepless nights, managing with 2 small children frightens the life out of me

You shouldn't be scared to talk to your friends - if they are decent friends they won't judge you. You're in a difficult situation and could probably do with some RL support. You will cope, whatever you choose to do, but if you need help from those around you, don't be scared to ask for it. I feel for you - you have a difficult decision ahead of you...good luck with whatever you decide.

When my marriage first started to go tits up I was 4 months pregnant with dc2 and one of my biggest worries was 'how do I cope on my own with 2?' Once ds2 arrived and my marriage did end it was so much easier as I was dealing with the actualities of life with 2dcs.

You may be worrying about having 2 children as much as about how you would cope on your own. - that seemed to be my experience.

Make sure you get as much support as you can, talk to your RL friends and gps, HVs etc. Only have a termination if that's really what you want, and if that's the way forward then make sure you're supported for that.

Best of luck, being a single mum of 2 is hard work but when my 2 boys are playing together and the house is full of laughter, I know I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hi,
I'm a single mum of two and your situation is identical to mine ; a brief renunion also resulted in baby number two! I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old and no longer live with their father.

Although I have now relocated to be closer to my mother and siblings for support, I can't stress enough that it's vital to do this if you possibly can.

Having one baby was logistically bearable, as I did get mental breathers when she napped during the day and I used to just take her out in the buggy when I needed a break.

But with two, suddenly the logistics are more challenging. I can't just nip up to the loo for instance without first doing a recce of the room they're in, make sure toddler's ok, baby's ok, nothing's going to fall on them, toddler isn't going to bounce on the baby's head, etc. during my brief departure!

Also, (I don't drive), gettting two young babies into town on the bus can be a nightmare unless you havbe a good double buggy.

Certainly the blissful moments of togetherness you get as a mum of one, when you can nod off on the sofa when your baby does, will not happen with two! - they will not neccessaruly want to nod off at the same time!

If you're the kind of person who could enjoy the intense challenge and total selflessness required and be prepared not to have time to barely flick through a trash mag for the first year after baby number two's born, you'll be rewarded with a life-fulfilling sense of achievement and a feeling that you've become invincible, that anything's possible now you have managed to do all this on your own.

But having support, whether it's extended family, reliable friends, or regular pre-school dates, playgroup sessions, or dropping in to a Surestart centre, is vital. My mum takes my 3 year old to playbarn once a week and then looks after her rest of the day, so I get around 6 hours to myself on that day. That's enough time to concentrate 100% on the new baby, have a home pedicure (do it yourself or have a mobile beautician around), catch up on Facebook, get some major chores done, read a book or magazine, etc etc. Basically have some peace and quiet. If you're lucky, new baby will nod off for a few hours too, then you'll have lots of time solely to yourself, .... but you may not know what to do with all that time!!

It's possible to cope, it just requires mental committment to a bigger challenge than your used to with one child, and a support system.

Your two children will be rocks for you once they grow up, and what a wonderful role model you would be for them, inspiring them to the same integrity of character and gung-ho attitude you will have shown doing all this by yourself. No man could cope with this sort of multi-task!

why do you enver leave DD?

do you have no friends/family who will take her? is so important she gets used to being with other carers - go to local surestart centres, baby groups etc, start leaving her with other people for half an hour. then one hour then two.... you need support as single mum and breaks and you need to know in an emergency when you cannot be there that she can be cared for by someone else.

why doesnt the dad take care of her at all?

re: second - only you know decision to make -

if you go ahead you will need support from others whether friends/family etc and you will need to be prepared to ask for and take any help offered and get used to idea of leaving one or both children in other person's care.

Thank you all.

Milkmonsters you are a strong lady. Well done you. You've given me alot to think about and that's what I'll continue to do before Friday's appointment.

Xxx

Bubbles

I am pregnant with DC2 (due in June) and found out after H had walked out. I was absolutely 100% I couldn't go through with it and made up my mind.... then slowly over the weeks I began to feel differently.. and started to realise how I may feel further down the line when I was feeling stronger and more positive and had decided to have a termination.... Anyway I am glad I hung on because at almost 6 months I am glad I am going ahead with the pregnancy. I am totally petrified and cannot talk from the experience that others may have had about actually having 2 by myself but all I can say is that I am glad that I didn't make any rash decisions. As the others say only you will know... but I thought I knew and the changed my mind. I look at it now as something positive and have really started looking forward to the baby coming and having a brother for my DD. whilst being very mindful that I have a tough time ahead. Good luck.

Thank you Lookingahead. I wish you all the luck in the world . I'm also terrified. I don't know what to do. Nothing is helping me to decide at the moment. I don't know what to do and feel so alone. I've only just stopped struggling with bringing up DD on my own and the idea of going through it again whilst having to keep my emotions in check to keep my DD happy I just don't know.

Thank you again.

Hi Bubbles,

I've just come across your post by chance and really wanted to offer you support.I have been in your situation and I know how hard it is and how lonely you feel.
I kept my child and she's 4 now.I don't know if it was luck or because I was a more experienced Mum but it was so much less of a struggle the second time around than the first.
Although I did not want another child, I could not face having a termination so I decided that I would move away, have the baby and give it up for adoption. What really helped me make my decision to keep my child was to think what I would say to her if she ever came to look for me when she was older.
When I put my reasons in to words they amounted to 'I'm absolutely knackered and I just could not face going through raising a child on my own again' - when I said it out loud it just didn't seem like a good enough reason!
Like most mums, especially single Mums, I am tired and I'm not living the life I dreamt for myself but I also have 2 girls who are the loves of my life. Time passes and things get easier.
Do try to talk to someone about your situation.I was scared to tell people because I felt like such a failure and when I told my mother I was pregnant again she made me feel even worse!When I started to tell friends and their first reaction was to say 'Congratulations' it helped me see my situation in a more positive light.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide - you will come through this.

whatever you decide to do, make sure it's the best for you.
what i can say is that when i had my dc, in very difficult circumstances, and when i had my termination, much later, on both occasions i felt very close to losing the plot. but both times i made a concious decision to survive emotionally; the first time for my dc, the second time for myself and my dc. both options are tough, but you need to accept your decision when you've made it, and forgive yourself x

I am a single mother of 2, yes it is hard work when you sit down and think about it but I really wouldn't be without them. You just deal with it, all the worrying in the world just turns your hair grey prematurely.

When I was with ex I thought to myself I could never raise my children on my own I wouldn't survive but you do, you just get through each day and gradually you start to feel stronger and more confident and it gets to the point when you feel happy again and you know you can do it.

Don't get me wrong there are days when I just want to run away or for someone to take the kids away for a few days but after a few hours of them gone I just want them back.

If you decide to go ahead with a termination please make sure you're 110% happy with your decision, it's a very emotional journey and I speak from experience and i was 120% happy with my decision and I still am but your emotions are everywhere and its no fault of your own.

xx

My children are 17 months apart. I'm a lone parent, my hubby began his affair when my DC2 was only 4 weeks old. I basically managed on my own with a colicky baby almost from the word go, as he was never around and when he was it was awful. I finally moved out properly months later.

Do you know what, it's actually easier on my own with them. I can rely on just myself, no expectation on anyone else. So no disappointment or arguing on why can he not do this or that etc. Even though my husband is a swine , I have 2 beautiful children who love each other and play together. They're all I have left but I am NOT sorry I have 2 kids, or am on my own with them, I have them and they have each other and it's wonderful and I love them to bits. Even if I never meet someone else, or have more kids, they will always have each other after I'm gone. Bit morbid but it's the way I see it.

Yes its hard sometimes but it's getting easier and easier now my youngest is 14 months. It was worth it all looking at my youngest smiling at me and giggling now.

Be very sure before terminating, as you need to be very very sure. But this is my story to help you have another persons perspective.

You know I'm worried about logistics. How do I do it on my own as my family is crap. They're not around and even if they now said they would help with new baby I don't trust them as that is what they said bout DD and they didn't help at all and still don't.

I have very few good friends and the one that picked me up from hospital with DD will have moved back to Ireland when this one is born.

I had a c section with DD as she was breech if I had another one who would look after DD when I give birth? I don't have any answers to these questions.

I will talk to DD's dad and see if he will help but he still doesn't help with DD as his answer is " you wanted her I didn't" when i ask for help so I'm not confident but I will ask.

Thank you all so much for your support. I really really do value it xxx

Single mum of 2 is hard work, but it can be done...
I've always been a single mum and there are many advantages to it, but it is hard when it's just you making decisions etc.
I'm sure people raised their eyebrows at me being pg without commitment from the dad, but I've had support from friends and I'm sure you will too if you decide to continue with the pg.

Good luck whatever you decide.

The dad said it can't be his because you only slept together once!. He's a real genius.

I'm a single mum of 2 and i only manage because I have family's help. Sometimes I need to be in two places at once because dc1 needs to be picked up from school at the same time as dc2's bus drops him off. So if I were pregnant with a third I would have to terminate. NOT ever going to happen though. good luck with whatever you decide. If you have the baby you won't send her back, but it will seriously stand in the way of you getting back on your feet and getting on with your life again. I left my dc1's dad when dc1 was 13 months and I could have got a job, started again, but I went back to him and had another child. I love that child, but I can't afford the childcare for two. I'm 40 now and I have no job. If I'd been able to start over with just one child at 33 (like I NEARLY did) I think my life would be more 'on track' now. I love my dc2 but I guess on paper my life is a bit ...... one dimensional (being a parent).

I didn't have a car until very recently. It was tricky without one. My mum stayed for the first 2 weeks after birth but after that I had to just manage. I did meet a number of good friends through a mums and toddlers which helped a lot.

Only you can decide lovely. It may even confuse more with so many people's ideas on here

Eitherway mumsnet is a great place for support whatever you decide x

Shineon, you have the same aged Dc's as me. Ds is 11 and Dd is 3.3. It's a big gap isn't it and is challenging in different ways with the eldest being brilliant and then going into puberty followed by all kinds of moods! of course it may be different with a Dd as the elder Dc

'You know I'm worried about logistics. How do I do it on my own as my family is crap. They're not around '

Personally, I just streamlined everything. Essentials like food shopping I order online for home delivery. Actually I buy virtually everything online.

Appointments can be block booked ie, do both children in one appointment and yourself, not seperate appointments for everyone on different days.

Creches at leisure centres takes babies from 3 months old, so you could drop babies off for an hour or two whilst you have some relaxing me time in the centre's sauna or swimming pool or go into town to attend an appointment or important event. Even if babies are breastfed, you can always leave a bottle of expressed milk with the creche staff. They also have your phone number if you go into town or will bring the children down to you or tannoy if you're in the building.

Surestart centres have big, gated off playrooms where you can take both of them and just sit and relax with a cup of tea whilst they play. The usually have nurseries attached (at least mine in Todmorden did) so you could also enrol the older one there for an hour or so whilst you take a baby massage class or similar with the younger one, or even nip into town with just one child.

I don't drive so I needed a good double buggy, can't stress importance of road-testing before you buy and secondhand on ebay is always good value for money.

On the days when it really feels like you're going napalm, just put the telly on for older child - their favourite DVD - put baby in cot with a new toy, and just do some quiet, breathing exercises in a darkened bedroom to relax.

Once older child is old enough for pre-school nursery, that gives you a break every day. Mine goes for 2 and a half hours every day. I expect some nurseries do longer sessions. Mine costs £6 per 2.5 hour session but this is southern prices I expect they vary greatly nationwide and of course they're free once your child reaches the age of 3.

'one who would look after DD when I give birth?'

I wondered this too as I was living up north when pregnant with baby 2 - 200 miles from my mum and sisters - although I had a home birth. Midwives or your health visitor can advise you on this, it's really not as big a problem as you might think, you'll be surprised!

I came from a 7 year circumstance of domestic violence of the worst kind with my two children, 200 miles away from family with not a single friend, not even friends with my neighbours, so if I can do it, I know you can too.

Whatever decision you take, is the Right Decision.

Did you terminate the pregnancy omg I am in a similar scare but I am older

Hi you can never be sure before terminating a pregnancy. How can you ? There are so many open questions

@Lilimy

I didn't recognise this thread as it was so long ago. I was 'looking ahead' back then. My DS is now 13 and whilst it's been tough over the years, it was the best decision I ever made after originally wanting to terminate. I don't know anything about your situation but if you can find a way to make it work and really want to then you will. Good luck to you

Thanks for your answer . So I have a daughter aged 2.8 and pregnant 11 weeks in my country the dead line is 12 weeks so I am pretty much have no time . I know I want to terminate since it’s not how I want things to be - with a loving partner . Having terminated one pregnancy in the past I know how hard it is to do this and feel ok - it’s really hard after that loss even if I choose it .

did you manage to get married or have a relationship despite raising 2 alone ?this also scare me

@Lilimy

I do understand exactly how you feel and it has to be a decision that's right for you. For me (and I was certain I couldn't go ahead with it) .. I look at the relationship that my DD and DS have (now 16 - she was 2 when ex H left and DS is 13) and they are really close , they have bought so much joy to the house and we have a close bond. I look back and can't believe how adamant I was.
It was easier 2nd time around as you are much more confident. I had a period of time when I got quite a bit in tax credits. Things were hard but totally worth it. I had my 2 best friends as birthing partners. Much better than a man being there!

I met someone when DS was 2 and we were together for 5 years. It was a better relationship than my marriage and I loved him more than I ever did my ex H. That ended for different reasons!

Since then I have dabbled a bit in OLD but nothing too serious.

I like you wanted the family unit but that doesn't mean you can't be a family without a partner. In many ways (as many on here will tell you) it is hard doing it on your own, but there is no resentment or tension in the house. I can make all of my own decisions re the kids and it's just so much lighter even when things are tough. I'm actually v content on my own even though I'd like to meet someone at some point.