Ok, my children all appear to hate me in varying degrees

[MrsMorgan]

Something is going wrong and I can't work out what. It is obviously something I am doing or not doing but fgs.

Dd1 (12) generally dislikes me 99.9% of the time. 90% of this is I think down to her age, but still, the constant arguing is driving me nuts.

Dd2 (10) yesterday threatened to ring childline because I don't care about her . Didn't get to the bottom of why she thinks that, although I did ask repeatadly, and obviously tell her she was wrong.

Ds (7) hates me because I cut his hair which meant he had to have a bath, and I am the worst mother ever and never do anything for him. His dad on the other hand is god because he once bought him a power ranger

All three generally think that their dad is god, despite him being a tosser. Don't get me wrong, I do not want them to dislike their father, but he seems to be getting all of the glory for minimal input and I seem to be getting all of the shite whilst bending over backwards to do my best.

Xp left 4yrs ago, and things haven't always been like this since, so I can't figure out what has changed. I feel totally overwhelmed by their utter dislike for me, and am struggling to know what to do for the best, seeing as everything I do is always wrong.

They don't dislike you-they feel secure enough to take you for granted. It is hard because you are the one doing all the work and parents have to do the unpopular, your xp isn't having to do that so he is getting the accolade for just noticing them!
Have you thought, at the age they are,of sitting them down and saying that you feel it is an unhappy house and you would like changes? You could draw up a list of things they would like to do-bearing in mind they need to be realistic and cheap. Also get them to draw up a list of rules they think are necessary-again being realistic. If they are sticking to list 2 you can do things from list one. Perhaps little changes in the way you put things could help-for example if you needed to cut your DSs hair you could give him the choice of today or tomorrow. Giving them some individual attention might help-can you get any help from parents etc? You sound very bogged down with day to day living and need a break.

hi well would just add that my ds
(12) is also a total pain seems determined to dislike everything that i do for him, has decided that he hates my bf who he used to like, and generally makes me so miserable that i cry nearly every day over it..but you know what, i thnk that is just that age. hormones, whatever, it is damned horrible but i am trying to just keep being loving and maintain boundaries and blah..you know.

the rest, well yes i agree they are just secure enough to be able to take you for granted. it doesnt sound like you are doing anything wrong. they enjoy any sort of attention even if its negative dont they.

its rotten sometime being the carer who has to do all the bad stuff, nag about homework, make them have haircuts, go to bed, etc etc when dad pitches up when it suits him with expensive gifts and days out

nothing helpful sorry just i totally emathise. just try try try to make some nice time for yourself when they are at at school and ride it out. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG

we love our kids but they know exactlt how to get to us. my ex is also just a very unpleasant man and its painful keeping up the pretence that he isnt but sounds like you are doing that well.

stay strong. i hope it gets better for you.

Thank you both.

I feel so totally defeated by it all at the moment. I agree thst they probably do it because they feel secure to do so, but i just find it all so hard at the mo.

I do need to try and do stuff with them on an individual basis yes, you are right.

Good posts. I agree that they feel safe to express anger with you.

I've heard that "how to talk so kids will listen" is helpful in handling conflict. Haven't used it myself (DD is only 2) but might be worth a look.

tell you one thing i have realised - i was so soft on my kids cos i felt that their playinng up was cos they upset about teh divorce etc - then i realised that course they would act up anyway sometimes, what kid doesnt - and they were getting away with it. its been 2 years now and they wouldnt have been angels if their dad was here!

so now of course they feel they can walk all over me

so i am trying to be more disciplined now which may be coming as a shock to them! but i hope in time it will work out if i am consistant

i know what you mean about defeated - but there has to be light at the end of the tunnel, we cant let the fact that a man has put us in this situation make us miserable forever

doing stuff with them individually helps a bit maybe but also not letting them get away with murder is important also

just wish i knew how !!

its hard when you tell a 12 year old to go to his room and he wont and he is bigger than you - what do you do then?!!!

I threatened to go on strike-no cooking-ironing school clothes etc. It worked for me because they never put it to the test! I can't say that it would work for others.

Family meeting - tell them you love them, and that the atmosphere in the house is horrible. REALLY listen to whatever they say and be honest about how you feel(and don't tell them they are wrong, feelings can't be wrong) and all agree on a set of rules - eg respectful behaviour, helping out round the house, bathing every x no of days, whatever you think is reasonable. Compromise on some things, be firm on others. Forget about comparing yourself to their father or measuring how they feel about him vs you, that way lies madness.

so right re not comparing

remember ok you have to do all the boring awful stuff and dad gets to do none of that but do the fun stuff and turn up with stupid gifts

but when they are sad or in trouble it is you they will turn to

one day they will realise and appreciate what you do for them and will see the differnce

you are the one who is always there for them and they are taking that for granted and kicking out at you cos they can

but they are with you and it would be so much worse for you if they werent

at least thats what i keep telling myself

and i speak as a woman who has had the most appalling evening with her 12 yo ds coming downstairs constantly till nearly midnight crying and whining and making all sorts of hideous fuss about nothing when he should be in bed and actually has had a perfectly nice evening.

while the evil xh is off for a lovely weekend with his gf
and who when i told him how much his son was acting up said " hes full of shit hes talking out of his arse, ignore him"

exemplary parenting advice !!!

sorry this is meant to be about you not me - just a little rant but to let you know, in this situation - you are not alone!

i hope things improve for you, i really do