Does anyone have any plans in place for dc if anything happens to you?

[RaceyLacey]

Hi, I'm posting this in lone parents & in legal section for a bit of advice.

I have an appointment on Friday with a solicitor to discuss this matter, but my past experiences with legal aid solicitors have been worse than useless so I'm not holding out much hope of any decent advice/action.

Basically I got to thinking the other day about what would happen with my children if I died. I don't want them going to xp, not just because I do't like him, but because I think he is a seriously unfit 'parent'. I am trying many different routes atm to get access changed as I'm not happy about them being at his, but I want to get something in place to stop them going to him if I were to die.

Would a will suffice? I am worried that just because it says they don't go to him in a will it won't necessarily be acted upon & am worried that it would be too easy for him to contest it.

Would I need to get some sort of court order to stop them going to him? Would I need to make dp & my parents legal guardians of dc? If I was to apply for them all to become legal guardians, could xp fight it?

Does anyone have anything like this in place? Has anyone looked into anything like this? Has anyone who is a solicitor dealt with anything like this?

Many thanks

I don't know from a single parent point of view however DH & I recently sort out our Wills. It has a clause that states if we are both deceased then the legal guardian will be X. Obviously different if the children's Father is still alive, not sure about the law on that.

DH and I have done the same, we just hope this will be ok and the courts/ss wont intervene.

Not a single parent, but we have wills with nominated guardians for our dcs. The guardianship only applies in our case if we both die but it's really important to us that we have it specified in writing and that we have spoken at great length with those appointed.

I think you do need to make a will although if your ex has parental responsibility then I think he will automatically be given guardianship in the event of your death. I'm really not sure what you need to do but definitely speak to a solicitor or a specialist will writer (my mum is one and could advise if you want) so that you can have your wishes made clear.

Good luck.

You can make any will you like and name the pope as guardian. But given he is the father, he has the right to challenge this in court. They will then look at the whole situation, usual pattern of contact, kids wishes depending on their age etc. Then make a decision.

Hope it helps, even if it may not be the answer you wanted to hear.

Thanks for your replies.

Niceguy2 - I'm trying desperately to get contact changed for many reasons and through many different channels. SS aren't interested whatsoever so I'm going to the gp lots to get proof that going to their dads is making the children ill. The teachers are observing if there are any differences in their behaviour after they have been at his (there are massive differences at home, but not sure about school). I believe he is dealing too, so obviously speaking to Police about this. So. If I, over what I suspect is going to be a very long period of time, get evidence of these things (and others) and do manage to get access changed, do you know if this would be looked at if I was to die? Would SS then take an interest and stop them going to him? Or is it just a simple case of he's their 'dad' so that's where they go and no-one can stop it?

I looked into this and went to see a solicitor because I wanted to get a will in place. I can only tell you what my solicitors said and I'm not any kind of expert myself,but for what it's worth:

I was advised that while the dad would be the first choice for who takes on responsibility for care of the children in the normal run of things, the courts would look at everything.

I was advised:

1. state in your will very clearly that you don't want the father to take the children
2. nominate a very strong alternative e.g. uncle, grandparents etc

You wouldn't want in the will list the reasons why you want to cut the dad out of the picture, but you should write another statement explaining why that would go with it a bit like the infomration about where you keep your bank account details. It's here I would guess that you put all the evidence you're gathering and they would definitely look at it. But you need to make sure it's not just hearsay and opinion but based on something concrete- which you seem to be doing really well. If you had by then got access changed, then that woudl definitely be considered and make a difference to any discussions. So the good news is that it isn't just 'he's the dad and that's that' but you will need to make it a bit of a project. Plus, having an alternative person already nominated will make the decision for the court that bit easier.

hope this helps. And good luck!

The problem I see here Racey is that by doing all the actions above, he could just simply argue that you are actively trying to push him out of the kids lives and on balance, he has a point.

An "unfit" parent varies greatly depending on your personal standards. Some would argue that driving their child in a car with no seatbelt is a sign of an unfit parent but how many people in other countries don't? Are those all unfit parents? What about smoking in front of a child? Some would see that as being a bad parent but there are thousands of people in the UK who do smoke in front of their kids. Are they all unfit?

As a result of the above and the fact a lot of cases are brought about to control/pressure and damage the other parent, Courts are very flexible nowadays over contact. So whilst you don't believe its in the kids best interest, unless you have solid proof that he is a danger to them (eg. alcoholic/drug abuser) then he will get some sort of contact.

I'm sure you are doing what you think is best but be warned that asking school to monitor behaviour is a double edged sword. What if they say "No, no problems here.". That is a powerful statement for your ex to use to show you are simply being vindictive and/or contact is fine for the kids and its all in your mind.

Like I said earlier, as their dad he will always have the right to be heard in court. Nothing will change that.

Best thing to do is don't die!

Thanks banana, have been keeping a diary of everything that's happened since we split, plus have a whopping great list of things that he did while we were together (although I know those aren't relevant it's still background I suppose). Also have kept all emails between myself and him, i.e. me on many occasions saying that he can have them after school, he just needs to let me know, having a go at him for letting them down etc. I have also kept my old phone so that I still have all his abusive texts and the texts when he blows them out an hour and a half before he's due to see them.

Niceguy - I am actually worried that I am going to come across as the bitter, disgruntled ex being spiteful and doing everything in my power to ruin his life, however that is not the case at all. I am genuinely scared stiff that if anything did happen their lives would be horrible, and they would become horrible children. In all honesty I don't think they're behaviour will be any different at school, as that is the one constant. At home I think they tend to try to play one off against the other, and also 2 sets of different rules must be confusing for 2 small boys. I worry like anything while they are there, I know that while yes he is violent, a rapist, an alcoholic, a drug addict, and probably a drug dealer, that he would never do anything intetionally to hurt those boys, but I am scared stiff that his lifestyle will put them at unnecessary risk.

I am able to control it to a degree, give them the upbringing that they deserve, but if I was't here, he would cut all contact with my family and no-one would be there to keep an eye out for them and protect htem. As I said before, I have actively tried to get him to have more contact with them, but he either ignores these offers totally or turns it down. If he has a rave or a piss up to go to, instead of contacting me and trying to arrange alternatives he blows them out at very short notice. Like I say I have kept all contact between us so that it is available if it ever becomes necessary.

Anyway thank you very much for the help and advice, it is very much appreciated. And sorry for the rants, need to get a lot off my chest, if only my counselling appointment would hurry up and come through.

On a final note, yes niceguy, as dp said I need to wrap myself up in cotton wool and wear a snorkel in the bath!

Ah Racey

I didn't realise you had a dp. Are you living together? The reason is that it is possible to give him Parental Responsibility (PR) but if your ex has PR then you would need his consent. If your DP had PR then that would protect your children pretty well since he'd be viewed (legally at least) as an equal parent and whilst your ex can still fight in court, the fact your kids have lived with you & DP for x years, have a stable home etc would be a powerful incentive for a court to maintain the status quo.

Another alternative is get a court residence order where you are named as the main carer with your ex having "contact" (ie. not a shared residence order). If you get that then you can name a person as guardian who will assume your PR if you die. Again its not cast iron as courts will look at a variety of factors when deciding but generally they will want to keep your kids in the same safe environment they've always known.

Thanks for that, dp has lived with us for 6 months, xp only has PR for ds2, not ds1 due to their ages. I am just out to the solicitors now, I will run that past them. Thank you very much for your advice.

Well, the appointment went as expected really. She had actually recently been dealing with a similar case where the mother had died and the step-father was fighting the father, but in the end he decided he couldn't cope. But anyway, she basically said that as dp has onyl been living with us for 6 months no court would grant him PR or custody in the event of my death. She said that if in a couple of years, if we are married then he could apply for step-parent PR, and possible adoption. Also that once we've all been living together for a few years and when we can prove that the children have a stable home here we will be in a much better position to get something inn place. So cotton wool it is for a few years .

Yes you will often find ex's will fight then give up when they realise the impact on their nice little lives. Mine did the same when she fought me for custody. Was on the verge of winning then gave in and demanded less contact than I was originally offering! I soon realised the battle was less to do with custody but rather it was to be able to save face and tell her friends/family that she had fought in court.

6 months is way too short so you need to wear your snorkle for a few years yet.

Another word of advice is be careful with adoption. If dp adopts then your ex ceases to have any legal rights and also obligations. So for example he would no longer need to pay maintenance. And if you ever split up with dp heaven forbid then he would be liable for maintenance and not your ex.

Good luck

Thank you. I'm not that interested in the adoption route as it is tbh, but something she suggested, and I guess if xp does stop contact at any time in the future then that's always something we can think about.

Thanks again for all your advice & all the best.

Like another poster I have a will with nominated guardians for my dds. My sister has agreed to take on the role and I have left her a large lump sum to recognise her kindness in taking on this responsibility.

DD's are currently 16 so it still has two years to run.