Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Days out as 'Mum and Dad'

13 replies

AuntyGail · 15/03/2010 21:44

I've been separated from my husband for 9 months and things are still a bit awkward between us. We're civil but don't really have a lot of conversation going on any more. We have been trying to sort out arrangements over Easter for who has kids when (kids are 3 and 5) and he's suggesting we have a day out all together. I know he would like to do more of this but I'm not mad keen on spending time together. If I was then surely we'd still be married.

I don't know if spending days as a family is good for the kids and I should just deal with it or really confusing for them. As far as DD is concerned we are not together because we couldn't be friends. How does she deal with that if we then have days out together being all chummy?

I don't know what to think. Do you?

OP posts:

HanBanan · 16/03/2010 09:39

Personally I wouldn't want to do that, it's going to be a bit awkward surely. And the kids won't suffer seeing each parent individually rather than together as a 'family' sort of thing.

JollyPirate · 16/03/2010 09:45

Hello - my exH and I have moved on enough to be able to do this now. We actually took DS camping last summer in one tent (two seperate "rooms" with DS and I in one and exDH in the other). It works okay for us but it wouldn't be for everybody and there need to be firm boundries with regard to how things are.

Niceguy2 · 16/03/2010 10:51

I've been away with the ex too but only years down the line when we have both moved on and there's no room for confusion. After only 9 months I'd say it's too soon.

FeelingOld · 16/03/2010 10:58

Personally i wouldnt do it. I would not want to spend any time with him that i didnt have to and also i think it could be bit confusing for the kids.
My exh and i have been separated more than 2 years and its not something either of us would consider.

But we are not all ths same and it can work for some people i suppose.

123andaway · 16/03/2010 16:15

I think the fact that it is making you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't do it.

I have a good relationship with my XH now, we spend christmas day together (saves arguing over who has the kids) and have been for days out together, but we have been separated almost 5 years.

You may feel as time goes on it's something you feel comfortable with, you might not.

onadietcokebreak · 16/03/2010 16:19

Been there...done that. Didnt work even though we get on. Was for DS 1st Birthday so we both made a real effect. Did it again for 2nd Birthday....why oh why didnt I learn first time round.

Also very confusing for son...although we can all sit around (new boyfriend included) and have a cup of tea whilst waiting for DS to wake up from nap!

BertieBotts · 16/03/2010 16:24

Don't feel obliged to, definitely. My ex suggested this and I just said, no thank you, I think it's best if DS sees us separately, I don't want him to get confused.

TBH I think he was hoping to play the perfect father and tempt me back into this facade of being the perfect family as he was so insistent that was "all he wanted" before/when we split up. I also thought, no, when you have DS, I get a rest, thank you!!

BertieBotts · 16/03/2010 16:26

Also, think of it this way - would you want to spend any time with him, as friends, if you didn't have DC together? Because if not, then don't feel you have to for the children.

JeremyVile · 16/03/2010 16:35

I think if its something you could manage then its a really positive thing for the children.

Xp and I are not really the norm in that we continue to be good friends so we tend to do lots together as a 'family'. I know thats not possible for everybody but I really think its a hugely beneficial thing for children to see that their parents dont hate each other and are happy to still be in each others company.

If you can manage to get through the odd day together then it can only be a good thing. But if its going to be awkward or if either of you will be less than friendly then there's really no point.

But well worth making the effort imo.

Tanga · 16/03/2010 22:53

I've attended parents evenings/school events together, and sometimes had days out with Ex and his new wife and me and my DH, or spent a bit of overlap time at a handover venue together, or all been at birthday events together - could you do a compromise just to try it out? I wouldn't be comfortable with a whole day (specially first time) but nice for the kids to see everyone can get on - just limit the time in case it gets awkward.

partytime · 17/03/2010 08:06

My DCs are teenagers, but my exH still wants us to do things together. We have done school events successfully but only recently, separated almost 6 months. As for days out, he wants this but I think it's a bit weird. He wants to preserve his friendship with me, quite distinctly from his relationship with DC's. I can't do this, he treated me with total disrespect, lied and cheated. I wouldn't do that to my friends nor could I pretend that all was fine otherwise. So I personally would not do it.

Original poster

AuntyGail · 17/03/2010 23:23

Thanks for all your replies.

We manage to get on ok if he stays for a cuppa after dropping kids off and we did parents eve together so not really going to spend whole day rowing. Not something we ever did anyway - part of the problem?

I think I'll go for a compromise of spending short day out together. Maybe afternoon walk where focus is not on us. I'm not ready to play happy families. Would't do it if it wasn't for kids so always going to be bit awkward. We'll see how it goes

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 00:56

I think it depends a lot on how/when you broke up, and why - and also whether one or both of you has a new partner.
My situation is a bit unusual in that DS dad and I were not a couple when DS was conceived, and haven't been at any time in DS life, so he is used to the fact that Daddy doesn't live in our house. We do have family days out, quite a few of them, and do family 'occasions' like weddings or major birthdays etc together. But at present, both DS dad and I are single. If he gets himself a girlfriend then some renegotiation may be necessary, he has had a couple of GFs since DS was born but nothing very serious. I would be happy to continue the family occasions with any new girlfriend coming along as well TBH (at DS 3rd birthday party, his dad's then GF did attend, everything was fine).
But if one of you is still keen to resume the couple-relationship, then this is a bad idea, in the same way that it's a bad idea to try to be 'friends' with a partner you have just split up with when one of you hadn't wanted to split up.

Flip