Where do I start?!

[mummybookworm]

Hi all. I am new to Mumsnet. I have read some of the posts and I have to say, what I feel I'm going through is nothing in comparison to you ladies and I think you should be very proud of yourselves! I would be grateful for any advice please, if only as a fresh pair of eyes. I am single. My DD is 2. I work 30 hours per week. DD is looked after by my wonderful parents while I am at work. DD's dad has not seen her for 3 months (and I have not heard from him). He appears to not want to have anything to do with her and it's screwing me up completely but that's a whole other story. I am just generally struggling with everything, keeping the house tidy and on top of all the chores. I am so shattered in the evenings when DD goes to bed that I really resent doing chores, however when I wake up the next morning I get angry at myself for not having done them. Then, at the weekends I feel bad for spending time doing chores when I should be spending time with DD. I can't really afford to get a cleaner. I feel like I am in a downward spiral. Does anyone have a plan of things they do in the evening to keep things in the house ticking over? I would be so grateful for any helpful tips you could share. Thank you so much for listening. x

Hi and welcome! the first thing to do is lower your standard and dont iron a thing!

Is DD cared for at your house? Is not thats a bonus as its easier to keep it clean.

Dont let washing pile up. A load every other day is the key.

Also dont have too many clothes as that actually creates more washing.

Do you have a slow cooker? Great way to free up some time.

Hi, thanks for responding. I don't iron much as it gets folded straight out of the dryer. DD goes to my parents' house while I am at work. To be fair, I don't have piles and piles of washing, it's probably one jeans/darker load, one white load and one light/pinks and then sheets and towels every week. I don't have enough to do a load every other day. I have thought about the slow cooker thing, I will give it a go I think. Thanks for listening.

welcome!!

sounds like you're doing well! try some of the 'flylady' threads,think they are in housekeeping section

maybe divide your house into sections and tackle a section a day...take an hour in one area.

Another think is to look at how many days a week you are working. Is that 30hrs over 5 or 4 days? If possbile over 4 days would mean more time with DD.

Also could parents have DD overnight once a week maybe to give you a break? Would make the mornings easier and give you a chance to really blitz once a week and leave weekends free...just an idea.

Thanks. I work 4 days a week. Since DD's dad ended our relationship she has got into the habit of getting into my bed in the small hours. I didn't mind at first as I was too shattered and fragile to do anything about it. If she wakes up at my parents and I am not there, she would get very upset and wouldn't settle and as they have her all the time when I am at work, I feel it's not right to ask them to do this for me as well. They are also not getting any younger and doing what they do for me already is tiring enough. They are fabulous and I so much appreciate what they do for me and I don't want to pile any more on to them.

Thats fair enough mummybookworm. Have a think about the sleeping arrangements...long term that may be a real drain on you.

Also have you looked into the cost of other childcare? May be worth knowing cos of how tiring it is for your parents (maybe tax credits will pay up to 80%)

DD goes to nursery 2 mornings a week and I get tax credits for that. When she is 3, I will be putting her in 5 mornings a week (when we get the government voucher thing) and I know that will take the pressure off my parents. I think I am having a low spell and finding everything very hard at the moment. The thing with DD's dad not on the scene is really screwing me up and I suspect overshadowing many things, including the housework thing. I am not sure if people consider that I have high standards for myself (all I want is a clean and tidy house, not necessarily spotless) but day after day this just seems totally unachievable. Also, as I am the only person who is responsible for this, the thought sometimes is overwhelming. I guess I am just sick of having to do everything myself while he does f-all. That is not a reflection on DD though, as she is so good and I love her so much, she brings me the most immense joy and just totally rocks my world. I have been on the flylady website tonight and I will print off lots of tips tomorrow, I am already inspired, but too tired to do anything tonight! Thanks again. x

Just keep telling yourself it will get better. I did further ed plus part-time work when DD was 4, and some nights I was so tired I fell asleep on the living room floor.

Try to make a record of what you think needs doing compared to what is achievable and then CHEAT. Clean round the sink/toilet while she is in the bath, make sure you have loads of cheap storage you can just shove her toys into at the end of the day. Do chores together.

Also it is very important to give yourself a break - have at least one evening a week when you don't do anything (other than see to DD's immediate needs) and you don't feel guilty about that.

DD is quite young, so things will definately get a little easier as she gets older.
Try not to do everything at once, stick to one task a day or whatever is realistic but don't punish yourself over things that don't get done.
As for DD's dad for not wanting to get involved, that's his loss and he will regret it one day.

First thing to learn is that life is all about compromise. Do what you can, leave what you can't.

No-one is going to criticise you but yourself for a bit of clutter or a big ironing pile. So why put pressure on yourself?

As for DD's dad not being on the scene. Again life is not perfect. In an ideal world you'd be in a solid relationship sharing the task equally. It's not perfect and the only way to deal is to accept it and carry on regardless. Yearning for an ideal will get you nowhere. Trust me, been there.

hello mummybookworm, I could have written your original post! I too work full time, get home, swing into the supper, bath, bottle, bed routine and by the time I have finished I am too exhausted to do anything else. As a result my house is hardly a Martha Stewart-style palace.

I wake up in the morning and think gahhh, why did I not deal with this last night. But my dd is also a terrible sleeper and wakes up most nights for sometimes a 2 hour stretch! The only thing that has made me feel a bit better about all this is trying to cut myself a bit of slack and to be honest sometimes I look at my married friends and see that they also struggle and hey, there are 2 adults in their house to (hopefully) share domestic tasks, whereas I am trying to do everything - work, raise dd, cook, clean, wash... and then I realise I'm not doing too bad a job really!

Your post is very familiar to me too, mummybookworm. Keeping an immaculate, ordered house just isn't an option I'm afraid. Lower your standards, keeps you loo(s) clean and in the evenings sit amongst the chaos and put MN on to distract!

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard enough to keep on top of the chores when you have a DP/DH, but as a lone parent it's twice as challenging.

hi mummybookworm, welcome to lone parents! Time to drop your standards, file the guilt along with all the stuff you dont have time to do and just give yourself a break. We all get by doing the best we can. I find a bit of Mumsnet with the odd glass of sherry puts a much better perspective on it all, cheers!

Thanks everyone for your support. I have actually chilled out this week and thoroughly enjoyed myself. This website is thoroughly addictive! None of my friends are in a similar situation to me, and I guess I find it hard being the only one on my own, although I am aware couples can still be "lonely" or unsupported in relationships. I think I have stopped being so hard on myself. For the most part it's only me and my dd that see the mess and I think we can handle it! Thanks again. xx