Giving up / Letting go?

[SJ80]

Me and the ex were together for ten years. Whilst the marriage didnt work we stuck together for H and he was always a good dad despite him being around very little due to his work. When we split up it was all amicable and he saw ds on a regualry basis

Then ex met a new women and he slowly whittled it down to nothing, went throw hell and back wont bore yu with details but it went on a long time him lying and messing DS about and not seeing him for weeks at a time.

Then in Aug last year he repeatdily said he never wanted to see DS again, giving no reason at all as to why, he dumped all DS Stuff in garden and told DS it wa his fault as he didnt like the new gf, we left him for a while to cool off and sort life out and then contacted him he was still adiment he never wanted to see him again I offered him everything to see him, no maitenane the house whatever. Now this year he has started sseeing him again but its only the odd hour here and there. And I just dont understand why someone would do this to a son they loved for 9 years.

But I need to somehow give up and let it go, the stress led me too a nervous breakdown last year and I lost my job.

I just permantly have this pent up hate for him and I dont know how to let it go, I dont think i can fight anymore to get him to see him normally so how do I get rid of this hate and anger and resentment and accept the odd hour here and there is all I am ever going to get. Or should I keep trying?

I know some dads are a lot worse than this but he was never like this, even his family don't know why he is acting like this.

I think you have to stop taking responsibility for your ex's relationship with his dc
I know this is easy to say but it was the key for me to letting go a lot of the anger I felt at his shortcomings
concentrate on your role as his mother, and let his father make his own mistakes

I don't understand it at all either, but its happened to me and to a few other people I know. It's just baffling that fathers can walk away from children they've lived with, and presumably loved.

It is really hard to let go of the hate and anger but it is very disabling to live like that and it won't make any difference to his behaviour. Is there anyway you can try some counselling? I couldn't afford loads, especially with babysitting on top but I did find it helpful; sometimes just being able to talk about it outloud and letting of steam can be useful.

I have my second counselling session next week I was refered to by the docters after being ill. I am hoping this will be the answer but I dont know what to expect.

I just find it unfair, I find it unfair that he gets to have a perfect little life with his job and new misses when I lost a really good job because of him and dont even get any free time to try and pursue other things. And I know life isnt fair and that karma will hopefully get him. But karma takes to long and I have spent far to long this evening plotting ways to get vengance, I wont carry any of them out but the fact I am thinking them worries me. I just want to let it go, but I can't

I feel like a shadow of my former self and life has just crumbled around me because of him and he get no compupance.

don't go there sj80
when it comes to his life you need an off switch
I do know how it feels (my ex will let down dc to go skiing at drop of a hat) but thinking about his life is not helping you
you will be painting an untrue picture anyway, nothing is that perfect
concentrate on yourself and be kind to yourself

Stop trying so hard. What you resist, persist.

He is the one responsible to keep a relationship with his son, you can't force that. You can help by being flexible but if he doesn't want to, there's no point.

That behaviour sounds incredibly hurtful to your child, why insist? it may be that the only outcome of such contact is that your child is hurt even more.

Give it time, the anger will subside once you reduce contact between you and your ex.

What ninah and UptoMyTits said.

It is fantastically hard and I spent about a year being constantly angry and bitter, thinking about the perfect life he was having. But.... after a year, he split up with his girlfriend so things obviously weren't as perfect as I was fantazing.

Time will help but you can also help yourself by trying to stop falling into the pattern of thinking of his perfect life and what he has dumped you with. Whether he is happy or not should not impact on how you feel and how you chose to live your life. I know it is very easy to say, and very hard to do but you have to try.

I think it was Carrie Fisher who said that 'being bitter is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the other person to die'. So true.

I hope the counselling helps, sometimes I think it can be very helpful as I know my friends often felt embarrassed when I was very upset and didn't know what to say. So I felt I couldn't talk to them and in these kind of situations I think you do definitely need someone to talk to.

I have to agree with whats already been said. Whilst being angry and blaming your ex is convenient, it really doesn't help you at all.

You are the only one responsible for your happiness. You can either spend it being angry and bitter at the fact life seemingly has dealt you & DS a bum deal. Or you can make the best of what you have, teach DS that life is sometimes unfair and move on.