Need a plan for this weekend.

[ambientcoast]

Hi all - I'm very recently separated (few weeks) from my wife of 10 years, and we have 2 kiddos aged 8 and 5.

Parenting is split as close to 50/50 as poss although I have them slightly more than she does. I'm picking them up from school tonight and will have them with me until school again on Monday where she'll pick them up, so this is 'my' weekend so to speak.

However, with it being Mothers Day this Sunday, I'm not sure what to do here. My wife hasn't indicated at all that she'd like to see the kids on Sunday (so I don't know whether she actually does or not!?) and I need a plan on how to approach this with her.

The last thing I want to do is get sucked into going out for a 'family' meal, but then I don't want the kids to miss out, either. I'd also quite like to take the kids to see my folks at the weekend.

Things seem to have returned to a fairly amicable level after getting tricky the last couple of weeks. However, I'm conscious that anything could trigger another fight as I have absolutely no idea where her head is - or has been for a few weeks now, come to think of it.

It feels like working in a bomb disposal squad - do I cut the red wire, or the blue one? Ask her what she wants to do on Mothers Day or not? Could go either way!

So, anyone got any ideas?

Hi all - I'm very recently separated (few weeks) from my wife of 10 years, and we have 2 kiddos aged 8 and 5.

Parenting is split as close to 50/50 as poss although I have them slightly more than she does. I'm picking them up from school tonight and will have them with me until school again on Monday where she'll pick them up, so this is 'my' weekend so to speak.

However, with it being Mothers Day this Sunday, I'm not sure what to do here. My wife hasn't indicated at all that she'd like to see the kids on Sunday (so I don't know whether she actually does or not!?) and I need a plan on how to approach this with her.

The last thing I want to do is get sucked into going out for a 'family' meal, but then I don't want the kids to miss out, either. I'd also quite like to take the kids to see my folks at the weekend.

Things seem to have returned to a fairly amicable level after getting tricky the last couple of weeks. However, I'm conscious that anything could trigger another fight as I have absolutely no idea where her head is - or has been for a few weeks now, come to think of it.

It feels like working in a bomb disposal squad - do I cut the red wire, or the blue one? Ask her what she wants to do on Mothers Day or not? Could go either way!

So, anyone got any ideas?

why dont you ask the children?

why don't you ask your ex by email? that way her response is in black and white. you could offer to take them to her for a set amount of time, if that's what she'd like, and make plans around that timeslot. i'm sure she will be pleased you asked. if you're worried about getting dragged into a mothers day event with her, make it clear from the off that the offer is for her to have the children for the specified time. if she would like to reasonably alter the time at the time of the offer, fair enough. but if she accepts, then chops and changes nearer the time make it clear you have made plans around the arrangement etc

Just keep it simple. Send her a text and say something along the lines of "I know its my weekend but since its mothers day, do you want the kids on Sunday?"

If she doesn't reply then assume she doesn't.

What niceguy2 says - make the offer but keep the text short and pleasant.

Meanwhile make arrangements to go and see your folks on Sunday. If your ex doesn't want to see the kids on Sunday then take them with you, if she does then you still get to see your own mum on Mother's Day. Everybody wins!

I agree with Snorbs and Niceguy.
And in this case I'd say seeing their mum is more important than seeing your family.

It is raw at the beginning, if you can become amicable it is a much better enviroment for the children.

My daughter is 50/50 with me, and my son more like 90/10 but they can come and go as they wish, but we are 3+ years down the line.

Good luck

I have no problem with them seeing her - just curious as to why she hasn't asked or mentioned it.

I've sent her an email asking her what she wants to do (along with a couple of questions about other practical stuff I need info on), but had no reply yet.

To be honest, there's been a pretty big disconnect between her and the kids for years (remember, the first time she pulled this 4 years ago she left the kids with me entirely, and they were then aged 5 and 2).

And a couple of weeks ago when were were trying to agree on a parenting schedule, she emailed me a list of all the weekends/holidays on which she wanted the kids, and right at the bottom it said something like 'you can have them for Christmas this year'.

That totally threw me because I'd mentally prepared myself for my wife to want them with her - as we'd all stayed at my mum and dad's for a few days over the Christmas just gone (and had a great time, too).

So, is Mother's Day with your kids less or more important than Christmas with your kids? No idea, and yeah, I'm probably over-thinking this. Hmmm.

Ack.

Who knows. You can drive yourself mad wondering what motivates our ex's. All you can do is do what you think is right and what you can live with.

A friend of mine, his wife is going to Butlins this weekend on a girly hol without the kids so I guess there's one example of someone who doesn't think mother's day is that special.

It's possible she isn't that bothered. It's also possible that she's thinking that as it's 'your' weekend with the children then you should offer to change the schedule. There is also the (small, but real) possibility that she's hoping you won't offer so she can then say to friends and family "What a bastard my ex is, he even refused to let me see my children on Mother's Day!!!"

I agree (again) with niceguy, though - her motives are none of your business. This isn't about you and her, it's about the children and the chances are they'd like to see their mum on Mother's Day so it's your job to find out if that's achievable.

One final thought - keep notes of this kind of thing. Just in case your ex decides to go to court for residency, examples of where you have tried to negotiate in good faith are worth keeping hold of.

it my exP with kids this weekend - but as they dont do overnights yet they will be with me on sunday morning anyway till 11.30.

so if he wants them the rest of day that;'s fine by me.
if he manages to take all 3 i will get a chance to do "me" stuff...

Well she's replied and they're going over to her place on Sunday morning for a few hours. She's picking them up and dropping them off again.

Thing is, the only people who I think might listen to her 'What a bastard my ex is' rants are all her buddies from work - and they don't know me from the next guy. So no skin off my nose there.

All our friends and family (including her family) and anyone else who matters are completely shocked by what she's done, and they all know me damned well - so there's not really anyone that she can whinge at about me.

sound good arrangement!

this looks like a useful book...

www.separatedfamilies.info/families-1/handbook/