Advice on separating... (long sorry)

[JammyK]

Hi. My husband and I have decided to separate after 11 very long and (mostly)miserable years together. He is in the RAF so I am currently in Armed Forces accommodation. We have very little money and no assets to share (apart from the car which he's agred to let me keep). We have 2 children aged 5 and 3, both boys. As I have no where to go, I have applied for a council house. I have also applied for income support, just waiting to hear about that now. I don't work, I am currently doing home study and looking after the kids.

Just wondering if any of you have any advice at all. I feel totally lost at the moment and on my own.

Part of the reason for our split is his lack of parenting skills and lack of interest in our children. He's a very selfish man. I am worried though that he's going to kick up a fuss about having them every other weekend. I really wouldn't be happy for this to happen. The last time I went out for the evening both of them were allowed to stay up until after 11pm watching 'The Matrix'. Most of the time they're in his care he is on the computer and pays them very little attention. He can't be trusted with them. Anyone know what my rights are here?

I have never been through anything like this and all of my close friends and family are happily married so I don't really have anyone I feel like I can talk to about this.

Would appreciate any replies. Thanks.

Hi. Sorry to hear what you're facing. Is there anyone in the RAF you could speak to? I went through similar but we owned a house and I worked so siuations different. FWIW my ex only sees kids every Sat 9-5 with O/N stays at my discretion as hiw partner is a nuter and it's what kids wanted. He also dodn't see them at all for a while due to putting hem in danger. Your x may ask for more than he actualy wants as he'll pick up on this being your weak spot (it was my only weak spot) but it will soon wear off. he will get fed up with DC spoiling his time. You need to get advice on finnaces etc and hope things work out for you. Loads of us have been through it and we all get there! Take care!

If you can't agree with their dad about how to sort out contact post separation, then you will either need to try mediation or make an application to the courts for a defined contact order.

If it does get that far, you need to understand that the courts do not look at such situations as a case of either mother's or father's rights, but they start from the presumption that regular and frequent contact with both parents is a child's right and very important for their healthy development.

Of course, you can argue that long periods of contact/overnight stays wouldn't be in their best interests at the moment but unless you have some fairly convincing evidence that they are likely to suffer harm in his care, the court is likely to order contact.

Its always better if you can avoid this as court proceedings are draining and can drag on for years. Would the RAF help you with mediation or something similar? It is definitely worth trying to sort something out between you if you can.

3 and 5 is quite young for full on every other weekend staying contact, so you have an argument for building up slowly, but in a year or so, if he asks for that, the court is likely to order it.

There is lots of research about how damaging it is for children to grow up knowing that their parents are fighting over them, so it is well worth trying to sort something out. I know it is very hard, but hopefully once you have got into a rhythm and got over the misery of splitting up, it will get better.

I disagree that 3 & 5 are too young for every other weekend contact. I can't see any reason why he couldn't.

There are some harsh realities JammyK that you will need to get used to. The main is that what you believe is unacceptable parenting is rarely what a court would accept. So things like letting the kids stay up late, not paying them attention. None of that would matter a jot.

Spero is right though that if you can avoid court action then that can only be a good thing.

Lastly, you may find that when he has the kids on his own that he has to step up. He can't simply ignore them and stay on the computer as he will have to entertain them and cook etc.

I realise he's not an abusive father or anything but he's not a good Dad. How can I leave my dc alone with him when I know that they won't be looked after properly? Maybe I won't have a choice but I will do whatever I can to stop it from happening. I don't mind them having regular contact so long as it is supervised at the moment.

Thank you for all of your replies. It's hitting me hard, the fact that I am going to be on my own. It's great to know that I can come onto this forum for any answers I need and support. Thanks again ladies xx

I understand how you feel but a good lesson to learn when you are a single parent is to pick your fights carefully.

"Properly" is a subjective word. What you deem as properly is not what he will. And vice versa. I'm sure your ex can point to times you've done things wrong or not to his standards.

I would try mediation, can SSAF (is that how you spell it?) help you. Also see what help you will get locally, are you in a Sure Start area or anything like that.

They have a right to both their parents, it's really not about us as adults. Have either you suggested every other weekend? It's not a set pattern, its about what works best and is practical.

If he stays local, he could for example pick them up from school/nursery on a Wednesday and give them their tea and then maybe a day at the weekend. I'm assuming if he's in the forces and they provide your current home, they might move him to something smaller.

I completely agree that the most important thing is to separate the end of your relationship from your co-parenting plans. And it is co-parenting, even if you don't feel he steps up to the mark.

I was very nervous about my ex having DD at first but it's been fine. He'll either get it together or slowly drift away, but that is his choice and as your boys grow you need to be able to tell them you did everything you could to let them have the best possible relationship with their Dad.

Keep posting, we'll help you.