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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I cant cope anymore

17 replies

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 17:31

Hi i really need some advice right now.Im not coping at all at the moment.I have two ds aged 3.10 and 5.3 years.I was in an abusive relationship with exp and i still feel like he controls my life he will not have ds's overnight and rarely sees them we have a contact order but he doesnt stick to it and always cancels.None of my family want to help out as ds1 is autistic and they find him to hard to cope with.

I just feel really selfish right now and i long for my old life back.I snap at ds's all the time,i dont enjoy any of the time im spending with them.They are healthy and happy and im doing all the things a mum should be doing but its like im on autopilot without any emotion.Im being treated for depression as well.

I dont know whether to let exp have ds's as he has said its either have them full time or nothing basically.Has anyone been in a similar situation?I just feel like im stuck and this is my only way out.I have had a few brief relationships since exp and i mean brief because i never have any time to myself and so things fizzle out.Im so lonely.

OP posts:

coldtits · 09/03/2010 17:34

Oh sweetheart.

Like you, my ds1 is autistic, and like you, I was in an abusive relationship.

Give yourself some time but also, exert some control over when your ex may and may not see the children.

He knows when the contact order is, if he doesn't stick to it then record that but do not pursue him for contact.

Could you get together with any other single mums and do a baby sitting swap?

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 17:49

sure start maybe?

no,dont persue him,its his choice.

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 17:54

I dont know any other single mums.What is sure start is that the childrens centres?

Just lately all i do is cry like now so i feel that surely the ds's would be better off away from me

OP posts:

sausagepastie · 09/03/2010 18:05

i think handing them over suddenly now would really be terribly hard for all of you, especially your little one with ASD.

I find things come in phases, I feel crap for a bit, then things turn round and seem fairly OK for a while, then abck to crap again and so on and so on.

Perhaps this is a particularly low point for you. don't imagine it will always feel this bad, because it won't - I realise that's not much good to you when you are in the depths.

benbon · 09/03/2010 18:07

hi... i know how you feel... the only thing getting me through today i knowing im gonna send my two to bed early lol!!!

where abouts are you beautician?

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 18:10

Thanks sausagepastie.I have been on my own for three years now and have just plodded along.I wouldnt say i have ever been 100 per cent happy but have never felt this low.I dont know what has caused it and i wish i did.I know it would be hard for ds1 you are right.Im pretty sure eventually i would regret it as well it is just that right now i dont see my feelings changing and thats not the boys fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 18:12

Im in bedfordshire.I dont know how i get through the day i was even going into the loos at work to have a cry but im signed off for two weeks at the moment.

OP posts:

coldtits · 09/03/2010 18:12

Don't do it. He was abusive to you, he probably would be to them if left with them full time.

coldtits · 09/03/2010 18:12

where is bedfordshire? Is it anywhere in the midlands?

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 18:13

i have 5....but 2 are teens,so no early bedtimes here!!

i find getting out...just walking,walking,walking helps....just being away from home

little treats for me...choc,wine,new book etc...

a chat with friends and a coffee..

mumsnet! and other sites...

housework...loud music on and do a room from top to bottom...makes me happy to see results!!

just music or a good dvd...

make small plans....a weekend away,daytrip etc...

any of those maybe could help you? it makes life more bearable. i have a boyfriend too,so its not like you have to be alone forever

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 18:14

i'm in bedfordshire too...roughly where are you?

its near herts/bucks/northampton areas

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 18:21

ThreeBlondeBoys im in luton.Gosh you have five and a boyfriend.I cant even go out on a date.I have been excercising loads as doctor recommended it.Im just so full of self pity at the moment its hard to get motivated to do anything plus i havent been sleeping and i know the tiredness is the reason behind a lot of my shouting and general grumpiness.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 09/03/2010 18:27

five yes,but the teen girls are great with the boys. so i can get out and about a bit and do things.

i'm up near Bedford...in the roadworks!

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/03/2010 18:32

I will try and motivate myself to try some of the things suggested and maybe get back to the doctors too.

OP posts:

IvanaPavlov · 09/03/2010 20:41

You poor thing!

Ask your GP to refer you to the disabled children team at social services. My GP did and I now have a project worker to give me some respite with my eldest DS who is also ASD. Barnardos are also AWESOME and provide playgroups and day trips for autistic children. My DS loves it!

Stay signed off til you're better and don't be afraid of ADs - they can be a helpful short-term solution.

I don't think for one single minute that the kids would be better off with him. You're low and exhausted but you will get stronger if you seek the help you're entitled to. A man who demands 'all or nothing' is a disgrace - you're better off without him, but believe me, you're kids are not better off without you.

Keep strong and seek support

Primroselady · 09/03/2010 21:54

He would not be better with the kids, he is using kids as another way of controlling you. My ex uses legal aid to threaten me, takes me back to court as often as he can, only in court in feb and he has already written to my solicitor to see he is taking back again. You must go see your docter and explain how you feel to get the support you need.

I have always found great support from other mums at nursery/school.

It gets to us all, sometimes I think there is no life for me, other times I think he is not going to beat me, even though I may lose my house to legal fees.

Keep positive, I walk the dog and meet loads of different people that way, always cheers me up.

Good luck, you know in your heart you are a great mum and your kids know it too

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 10/03/2010 11:21

Thank you all your kind words have made such a difference and are hugely appreciated.I spoke to my boss this morning and blubbed to her on the phone but she was so so understanding and i have decided i will go back next week and take it slowly a few hours a day.I just need to keep busy i feel like im wallowing at home.

OP posts:

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