alone and confused

[ciacia]

Hi this is my first time on mumsnet.
I am 15 weeks pregnant and single. I was engaged to the babys father, we had a turbulant relationship which i ended on boxing day. my partner was very controlling and emotionally abusive. he has a drink problem which he disguises well.

i have a 14 year old son from another marriage and have managed to bring him up on my own since he was six months old. my son has a posotive relationship with his dad and i have always promted and facillitated contact between them.

i was with my partner for 18 months and had fallen madly in love with him, he was kind, loving and funny, this changed as soon as he moved in...... i tried supporting him and even attended relate with him for 3 months. He became increasingly abusive towards me, and in the end i felt i had no choice but to end the relationship as he scared my son so much, he contacted a friend to say how scared he was at 3 in the morning, and they came and picked us up.

my ex has a 5 year old from a prior relationship, he took his ex to court for contact as she was stopping overnight stays due to his alcohol intake, and he had been abusive towards her too. My ex is very clever and articulate, he lied to the court regarding his drink issues and accused her of awful things including saying she had threatend to commit suicide and take baby with her. he also accused her of having mental health issues. the court decided it was tit for tat and granted him custody (and alot of it)

when i told him i am pregnant to begin with he was lovely and wanted to get back together, when i said this is not an option he became verbally abusive and harrased me constantly. this past week he has changed tactics and has asked for corraspondence only via email, he has been appropriate and caring in his emails, and i know thathe will be using this as a evidance base for taking me to court in the future, as he told me that he had saved his ex's emails/letters as evidance in thier court case.

i have no evidance regarding his abusive behaviour as i was to embarrased to tell anyone, all my friends and family had thier suspisions but i never let on and just isolated myself.

i am worried that he is going to try and take my baby away from me once it is born, he keeps on saying he 'wants what is rightly his'.

i have no intention of stopping contact, but it has to be right for baby. is it fair for me to offer 2 hours contact every other sunday to start off with once the baby is born? i am hoping to breast feed on demand, i struggled to express with my last baby so am reluctant to try this time, so contact would need to be with me near. does anyone know of any orginisations who can help plan contact schedules?
any advice would be much appreciated, i am really confused and worried.
thanks xxx

Didn't want to read and run.

Someone will be around to offer advice.

Bumping for you x

thank you, am just thinking this is probably a subject thats been done to death, just new to me (blush)
x

My gut reaction from what you have said is to keep copies of an correspondence he has with you, and save texts etc.

See the CAB or a solicitor to gain abit of perspective on what I see is intimidation and bullying.

Keep strong and keep yer chn up! x

thank you.
much appreciated, cant seem to think clearly at the moment! will contact CAB tomorrow x

you have got someone else who witnessed his behaviour: your son, and the friend who had to collect you both at 3am.
also he can disguise his drinking from the courtroom but you can ask for him to take a liver function blood test, which will give an indication of his intake, before agreeing to unsupervised access. for example 'yes of course i will agree, when he has been tested by a doctor, who will be able to verify whether my ex can or cannot control his drinking'. that leaves you sounding reasonable and responsible.
try and get to a legal aid solicitor, CAB will point you in the right direction, and tell them everything about the abuse.
good luck

you need to tell your GP, your mid wife; and when baby is born health visitor.

yes speak to CAB.

keep all records of emails and texts from now on.

does your ex take good care of his son?

thank you for your advice, i have made appoinment with CAB for next week,am due to see midwife next week so will talk to her then.

ex is ok with his son during the day, although a little impatient, its at night really, he starts drinking @ 6pm,, when we were together and had little one my ex never woke when his son came in during the night, and didnt get up with him in the morning, if i told him tha his son had got up he was amazed and sometimes didnt belive me!

i am worried if he is granted contact with the baby overnight he would not be able to look after it properly!

i remember a couple of times his son asked for his astmha inhaler when he had a cough , and he refused to give it to him until i made him. This is because even though the Dr prescribed inhalers for his son, he refuses to belive he has astmha, instead he states that it is in his exes head as she is 'crazy'.

thank u all for your support and advice, i find it hard to talk to friends and family as i feel embarrased to have got myself in this position!!!!

Sorry I dont have anything constructive to offer, but I just wanted to say good luck and also I would speak to your family or friends who ever you feel most comfortable. you have nothing to be embarressed about and I would hope my friends would talk to me if they were in similar situation.

I echo what other people have said.

Get legal advice (I dont think he can have a baby overnight before a certain age, anyway?).
Can you get together with his ex, if it comes to a court case?
Manouvre him into situations where he will give himself away in front of witnesses.
Be careful in your emails and phone calls.
Get evidence that he drinks.

My ex is also very manipulative - I won when I started taking the fight between us seriously, and planning to beat him.

And dont feel embarrassed - congratulate yourself on having escaped at an early stage!