Looks like its taken me about 7 months to realise this but I AM LONE PARENT, there, I've said it

[TrinityIsFuckingTrying]

now I'm scared shitless

hiya trinity. It's scary isn't it, yet, we are here, all of us, doing the best we can for the little people. I remember becoming a lone parent, and htinking, fuck sake this is not what i asked for, or wanted, orplanned. i know it's not exactly the same or as bad as what you have gone thru me love, belive me. Yet it's a feeling of being abandoned and then having all the responsibility. We are great tho, and have our love to spread.
xx

sorry - I am a single parent by choice but it's not exactly what you signed up for is it? Just don't think about it too much (being "lone" that is) and focus on the day to day stuff and soon enough you're some way down the road and nothing that you're scared of has actually happened.

Hi
I've been a single parent since DS was 2 months old and I am very, very happy. He is 4 now and sometimes I have twinges of jealousy when I see 'happy families' but not often. Do you have friends and family for support, or just to have a moan to on the phone? Are you at work? I found that was my saviour as I was going crazy at home with a little one. There is lots of financial help from the government ie. reduced nursery costs etc...x

There are so many reasons why we are lone parents aren't there. Not choosing, to be one hurts alot and at times makes the responsibility seem monmental when it's all mixed up with the other shit we have gone thru.

I just feel like, well time will keep ticking whatever i feel at that moment in time, and my dd will keep growing and learning, as will I. (hopes and fingers crossed emoticon!)

I'm hugely sympathetic to people who are lone by choice. I'm sure the added emotion involved makes it much harder.

Having said that I wouldn't be single by choice if I thought there was a realistic chance of being a dual parent. It is easier to have two adults.

One important thing is to have someone to discuss the bigger decisions with (even by phone) - choice of school etc.

Do you have someone like that Trinity?

I guess I just still feel married
we were going to grow old together
we were forever

I can remember walking out of the orphanage with DS in my arms so early in the morning that it was still dark and -20 degrees. It was the first time he was really mine and I though "what the fuck am I thinking? I can't do this"

But I could and I did and you can too.

Of course you still feel married. Why wouldn't you? If neil was in the navy and away for months at a time - you wouldn't feel not married just because he wasn't physically in the house with you.

Trinity, I've left some info on fences on another thread - sorry to interupt

I think I feel similar but haven't had to go through what you've had to deal with. However, that sense of your life not being what you planned, it not being fair, that sense of injustice can just be overwhelming at times.

It's really hard dealing with your own grief while trying to support your children. Especially when they are less able to express how they feel and tend, therefore, to act out. I know how I feel and the impact that can have on my children when I am raging at the world. I do, at least, get some time 'off' from children and try to take time to grieve then. It makes for pretty miserable periods when I barely function but does allow me to wallow for a while.

The hardest thing to start with was my desire to disengage with life, which meant switching off completely and just hiding myself away. And away from the children too.

The children, in the end, started complaining. Which was really hard to hear given where I was but I have really tried to make myself more available. If nothing else, I try to give each child around 1/2 hour at bedtime for stories, cuddles etc. This has helped them, but it has also really helped me to re-engage with them. Also, the more engaged I am with them, the more I re-engage with life in general.

For me the sense of achieving things does make me feel a bit better. Even managing to get a wash on in the morning can change my perception of the day. I now try to look ahead a little bit and plan nice things for the children (and me, if I'm feeling particularly strong). Nothing big, more just like having a friend over for one of the children. It changes the dynamic a bit and I tend to clear up in case the parent wants to stay for a coffee - and if they don't I've still got a calm, tidy space!

This is all great, until I fall over, which is still a regular occurence. I try to keep to the bedtime thing (helped by a demanding DD 10!) which helps bring me back. It's not easy, I do try to take it a day at a time and at times I've had to take it an hour or even a minute at a time. But planning things does help, if only as it gives a sense of something to look forward to.

I took on a job (part-time) a month after we separated as we had no money coming in. On one level, that was way too early but it has also been enormously helpful. I have to put on a good face, I'm treated like a person in my own right (not wife or mother) and, if for no other reason, I have got to get up in the morning and go to work. It wouldn't suit everyone but it has been a really good discipline for me. It also means I have to be really organised the rest of the time which simply doesn't leave too much time to brood.

So I have learnt a lot about myself, some of which I already knew but had perhaps forgotten. I am resourceful, I am a (mostly) good-enough and loving parent, I am happier when I am achieving, I am strong and capable. I am a loving and caring person who needs to put myself higher up my priority list. I need structure to both my week and my day. I need to keep present and avoid activities that help me to dis-engage (telly being the worst). I eat when I am angry!

Only you know who you really are and what you need to do to re-discover the strong, determined, loving aspects of yourself. You are really hurting at the moment and that will not change for some time. As DD said to her counsellor who suggested she would get better 'No, I won't, it'll never change, but it will get easier and I will find a way to live with it.' Out of the mouths of babes.

Sorry for the long post!

wow thankyou for sharing

I'm sorry if I already know but what are your circumstances, if you dont mind sharing more

i feel sad for my dc that they dont have a dad....the girls,now teenagers,they see their friends having good relationships with dads....my ex is an abusive nutter who the girls have shut out entirely

am in court on monday to finally erase him completely from our lives....am hoping the jughe will ban him from re applying as we are asking for a no order

Separated from H in the summer. Been together over 20 years and married around 15. 3DCs, 12, 10 and 5. Things had been going wrong for a long time, at least 6 years (DC3 not exactly planned!) but had thought we could work it out. My parents separated when I was small and it was simply the worst thing that happened in my life and still has repercussions now nearly 40 years on. So it was the very last thing I wanted for my children.

To start with I was fine. Lots of energy etc, the relief that you feel when you stop hitting your head against a brick wall. But when the grief hit, it hit hard. I felt that my life was over, that I had failed my children, that I would never live through this. It hurts worse than when I was a child because, even then, I knew i would be able to leave home. But I can never leave this, this is my life now. But, at the end of the day, I simply don't have a choice. The only choice I have is how I face it. And how I help my children to face it. To be honest, I try not to think too far ahead as that way madness lies.

God I sound strong now, don't I. But I'm typing this still in my dressing gown, surrounded by mess!

Besides, this is supposed to be about you. How are you doing? I guess, from what I have read, that you do have some support. Though I also know that sometimes it can be hard to accept that support or find it intrusive. Do you have some structure to your day? Things that you have to do, come what may? I work well with rewards. So I'll have a cup of coffee when I done X, or I'll save a good book for if I get to bed early. Sleep is a big issue for me: I know I cope better if I get a good night's sleep and yet find it difficult to go to bed. Are you managing to sleep? How are your children coping? And how are you coping with them?

Hi trinity. For me, it's the fact that I did not choose or plan this, sometimes I feel so responsible even though their dad is very involved. I even feel guilty for them. I have 4, they're 7,5,1 and 9 weeks. I find my routine, family and friends are my saviour ATM.

Keep going xx

hmm not sure really

they are definitely feeling better for the house being tidy
I can see that
I'm reading to them at bedtime
and trying to hug and listen to them as much as I possibly can

I feel exhausted constantly though

all I do is get up, use all my might not to shout at the kids, get them sorted for school, come back, nap, clean tidy, ewashing, wash up, collect youngest kids, lunch tidy, wash up, clean, play with kids, pick up oldest girl, tea homewpork, clean tidy,, wssh up, talk to/play with kids, bedtime routne, tea for adults, wash up ,clean ,tidy opanice its not tidy enough
slump in from of the telly crawl off to bed to be woekn every two hours by gecko

I know everyonw has to do all this
BUt i mean seriously I cant do anything else as I have to constantly be in the house and thinking about keeping it tiday and doing a bit regularly throughout the day or I dont keep on top of it

someof my friends are wondering why they dont see me anymore

I dont know how it could ever change

and I miss him so much
it pyhsically hurts

It sounds like a routine to me. And one that is working up to a point. And that is probably the best you can do at the moment. It is exhausting dealing with all the emotional turmoil you're feeling. You will feel exhausted.

If your friends want to see you, they could always come round and help. There is something very companionable about cleaning and tidying with someone else. You also get the work done much much faster. In our house (again, when I remember, on a good day, with the wind in the right direction) we put on lively music and all race round to tidy a room. Everyone helps, even the 5 year old, and it's amazing how much you can get done even in the space of 1 pop song (3 mins) when everyone really helps. We usually end up dancing afterwards which is great for lifting your spirits even when you really don't feel like it. Sometimes, with children especially, you just have to fake it at times.

It's interesting that your children feel better for the house being tidy - mine do too. Not quite sure why but it just feels calmer to me if the place is organised.

Try not to spend too much time thinking about the future in the longer term. You aren't there yet, you're here. In the here and now you are doing what you need to get through. Just think about today, the next hour, whatever. Try to think of one nice thing to do next week, if your up to it. If you're not, wait until you are. Your friends will understand.

And yes, it does hurt. Of course it hurts. It hurts like hell. You are heartbroken. Nothing can change that. And it is painful, physically painful.

I left my abusive ex last summer with DD (5). So my situation is not the same as yours, but a lot of this stuff is common to most lone parents.

I echo a lot of the above and, personally, I think working helps. It might not be suitable for you but even voluntary work once a week might help. Also make sure you're getting all the benefits and help your eligible, check with your local council.

What struck me about your routine is that there is nothing in there for you - try and find something you enjoy, even just for ten minutes a day. Also having a pet is good, my adopted stray cat sits on my lap in the evening which is very comforting.

I also know that sense of exhaustion, it makes things a struggle. Things are hard for you, but you're not on your own with this. My practical tip is to have less stuff; the fewer things you have, the less there is to get messy and needing tidying.

Agree with Queen about time for you - going to aqua-aerobics once a week when my mum babysat was enough for me to retrieve enough of my sanity to pass for normal...