stressed, depressed, losing the plot .... am i just dwelling?

[annandcait]

Hi there, a brief overview if i may ...

I was a married mum of 4 till november 2008 when my husband suddenly upped and left. A week after i told him i was pg ... he was uninterested and suggested i terminate (having had 3 mc's that wasn't a consideration for me). In the last year i have attempted to raise my kids alone and in aug 09 i had my ds ... so now mum to 5!

Ex has little ones for 7hrs once a fortnight ... he does nothing with them (sits and watched tv i'm told by my little ones while they mooch abt his gf's place doing nothing very interesting so they say). Oh - and he's made it clear he has no interest whatsoever in the baby which is very sad.

He has never offered any physical help .. and when asked ... he said this is the way it is ... he will never do any more than he is now (which is, respectivly, nothing)

I moved to where i am now to be with him so all my family are a long way from me. I have no freedom, needless to say money is tight. I can;t move because - well - i could just never do it financially.

I do have a new partner, he is great - real good company .. but not hands on iyswim.

I previously ran my own business and that has fallen to pieces since my ex left ... soul destroying as i'd put alot into it.

so - where is this all leading?? Well - as you might've guessed i'm pretty low. I don;t havea car (ex took it) and i am totally stranded here .. just getting through each day by wokring my backside off from 5am till midnight every day ... i am so unbelievably low ... suicidal actually ... and totally losing the plot. I'm certain it is only a metter of weeks befoe i have driven my current boyfriend away.

I just don't know where to turn.

You know that old saying 'laugh and the world laughs with you - cry and you cry alone'? well that's me for sure. It feels like no-one is interested. It amazes me since i am the sort that would be straight round ot see someone if i thought they were having a rough time and i'd have my sleeves rolled up and would get stuck in. i realise it's unrealistic to expect everyone else to take the same attitude - but, really, i just don;t get it.

If tiredness doesn;t get me first - i'll certainly be committed at some point when the last of my marbles are well and truly lost!!

When there is no-one to help and no-one to talk to - what do you do? My kids are the only reason i'm here ... but, as wonderful as they are, they are wearing me down to the point of - well - i don;t know, but it aint good.

Guys, what do you do when you reach rock bottom ... who do you turn to ... is anyone interested? who or what has been your saving grace when times have hit really tough?

I'd love to hear how youve dealt/are dealing with your 'issues' as a lone parent ... i'm totally lost!!!!!!!

Sorry for the long rant, thanks for reading

x

[chelle38]

my god your ex is a twat, have you tried applying for a council property to be closer or semi close to family? To be honest I would have cracked up by now and kicked his arse for the lack of interest. Sleep dep does have a lot to do with feeling low, it takes the smallest thing for me to burst out in tears nowadays whereas before id not even bat an eye. your not the only one who thinks society are a bunch of "you know whats", before i had my baba i was blisfully unaware of what idiots bus drivers, shop assistants and old people were and i swear old people are on my last nerve, the look you get if you dare be out between 10am and 11am, its like thats there time, wheres the granny catcher when you need one its like zombie land in sainsburts, i have vision of running them over with my buggie, i always make a joke to my mum its 10 points per old foggie she runs over. Being a parent can be very lonely some people dont understand but you feel its just you and thats it, apart from jeremy kyle and thats depressing enough. Ive started going to parent todler groups and its unrealy how many other mums have the same thoughts. Your doing a fab job if your holding down a full time job and raising 5 kids, id call you super mum cause one is enought for me, i think i would be bald if i have more than one right now, dont knock yourself, there are pleanty of people out there to do it for you.

[newyorkshire]

Hi annandcait,
first of all dont be so hard on yourself! Be and feel proud of what you are doing, what you have produced and the fact you seem to be the only decent parent your children have.

Three children and a child under 1 years is a massive feat on your own and then to have run your own business aswell...need I say anymore! I think you probably deserve a medal.

I also have lived far away from my family and friends, can you not phone people and tell them how you are feeling? You may be suprised and they should be sympathetic to your position and call you back. I always find a good chat on the phone really helps [just speaking to adults helps!] me get by sometimes. Other people do ''roll up their sleeves too'' and they certainly do on here!
I'd also say that things get easier with time, so hang in there, plus it's still early days and with younger children it is even harder.
Poor you, hope things get better for you soon.

[ChangesAhead]

I think you are amazing and your exh is a twat.
As the others have suggested, you should speak to family and look into the options for moving close to them i.e. council house, share housing scheme or something.
Don't under estimate your coping skills - you have done amazingly well, but no doubt it's all very tiring and you're bound to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
I hope you manage to get something sorted soon, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before things improve for you.

[pickgo]

Sorry you're having such a pig awful time. You do seem to be doing really well though getting through it so far - so hold on in there girl til it gets easier.
Some survival strategies that have helped me -
Get as much sleep as poss.
Train kids to let you have bit of peace for half hour after lunch or tea - do it every day then they know its coming.
Give yourself treats 1 big one every week, 1 small one every day.
Make sure you talk to any supportive friend/family in eve on phone.
Work out what really matters (feeding/clean clothes etc) pat yourself on back for getting these done and do others when poss. Get kids to help.
Remember lots of others in same situation now and in past.
You can do it!

[Megancleo]

Lifes so bloody awful sometimes. Hold on in there Annandcait..for your beautiful children and for yourself. One day it will get a little bit better and then A LITTLE BIT MORE!Six years ago when I was preg with my DC3 my husband decided he didn't want a third child and left. After the birth I begged and pleaded, desperate to keep the image of an intact family. He came back and I spent the next six years shutting my eyes to what our marriage was about and getting more disengaged from reality. Something snapped six monthes ago and I seperated, at first I was bloody relieved but then reality soaked in, unendless debts and not enough to pay the rent even, alone in Germany and no chance of going back to UK in near future and an ex who, because he originates from the middle East,had me very worried about the possability of him taking children. Things seemed to always be getting worse he'd pay no maintenance, have children for a few hours in pub, son would be crying for him etc, etc. Christmastime especially seemed to pass with me functioning outwardly and inwardly, I was thinking morbid thoughts. Of course there are nice people at all levels and sometimes a good chat on phone to UK or a good neighbour here helped and I was thankful but do you know whats the bloody bottom line? No-one can save you, only yourself.and thats sooo hard sometimes. Get all the help, care, love you can but try to also accept that bottom line philosophy because it kind of helps. Two weeks ago I finally started to wake up without that gutted feeling, I started to look forward again and not be quite as scared anymore. I really think its because yes, six monthes makes a difference and also I'd been to hell and realised that only I could drag myself out again Sorry if that sounds brutal.Enjoy any minute, hour or day possible this spring and be proud of what you manage on a daily basis!

[symone]

Hi annandcait,

I just wanted to add my support for what it's worth, as I really, really feel for you.

Coping with 5 kids on your own, no matter how hard it feels, is in my opinion a massive achievement and I'm totally in awe of you for that- you must be an incredibly strong person to have got this far.

I am in the early stages of pregnancy with my first and am quite depressed, even though I have always wanted to be a mother. One of the things that gets me down most is the thought that i am quite possibly going to be a single mother, as my partner is not overly supportive at this stage and there is a big problem with where we will live as we're from different parts of the country. Anyway the point is I totally get your sense of isolation, and how you feel like you would support someone in your position yet no one is there for you- I have been unspeakably lonely myself at times recently. I don't know if it is any help but if you want to keep in touch I would be happy to offer support via this if it helps you at all just to offload every now and again.

Your ex sounds like a selfish idiot and you and your kids do not deserve this. I'm so hormonal right now I'd happily track him down and, well I'd better not admit what I'd do, but thats probably not so helpful to you right now.

AS far as hitting rock bottom goes, please please speak to someone if you get that low- even the bloody samaritans or come on hear and talk- do not suffer in silence you deserve to be listened to and your life is precious.

Let us know how you are getting on, and if I could do more to help you I would x

[annandcait]

Hi everyone. I'm not quite what to say except THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words of support and encouragement.

I have made the positive move of resubmitting my divorce petition today. I submitted previously with very vague arguments because i didn;t want to bad mouth my ex ... but of course the courts said that my reasons for divorce were not good enough.

Putting together my petition has been quite cathartic even though i know my husband/ex will turn around and say that he will not be made to feel guilty for what he has done ... he seems to be the only person who cannot see how unreasonable and downright mean he is being. I feel most sorry for the children in all of this ... especially my son who will grow up knowing his father wants nothing ot do with him. I will endeavour to be both mother and father to my son.

Yes, you are right ... the bottom line is that only i can control my own life and destiny ... and it is good to hear that from other people sometimes as it can be a kick up the arse ... which i guess we all need from time ot time.

Sometimes i just want someone to put their arms around me and look after me and tell me it's going ot be okay. My bf is great, and i know i must make an effort not ot take all of this ex/divorce stuff out on him. but it is a stressful time.

I'm still hanging in there tho ... so, thanks to all of you for your replies ... they mean alot to me.

xxx

[symone]

Incredible isn't it how men will refuse to be "made" to feel guilty, yet we women seem to have a limitless capacity to take on guilt and self blame for bloody everything whether its actually our fault or responsibility.

We all need someone to look after us sometimes, especially when you are doing so much to look after others. Maybe try and use your relationship with the new man as a bit of a distraction from all this sometimes if you get the chance to do nice stuff together, and it may lift your spirits....I'm seeing my partner for a few days and want to be able to act strong and independent rather than flinging myself at his feet and begging him to look after me (what I feel like doing).

We women are pretty tough, we have to be, so you will come through this. Just be really kind to yourself and try to take one day at a time- its all we can do x

[DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE]

annand - well done for keeping your head above the water... well... i would find that as the best way to describe the early months of a split.

what does strike me from your post is you are up from 5at till midnight??

why?

5 hrs sleep a night is not enough to function on.

why aren't you going to bed with the dc?

i'm guessing you are getting up at 5am with the baby? so not much option of going back to bed for a cheeky hr or so more.

you will find once you start getting more sleep your mood will lift.

also... you say your boyf isn't "hands on"... i hope this doesn't mean he is essentially another person you look after. a 6th child in essence? do you do cooking,etc when he visits? or does he help lighten your load with some of those things... cooking meals/takeaway

are you up till midnight as only time with him? or housework?

both of these should be ignored a few times a week if you really want to get to be treading the water with ease instead of just gasping for air stressed and depressed iykwim.

sleep is VITAL when you are a lp. both for the mind and the body to recover from the days activities.

[Megancleo]

Hi Annandcait-how was your day, did it at least have a few good moments or something funny happen? I find it helps me to try to look for those rare moments sometimes! I know totally what you mean about why is ex the only one who can't see hes unreasonable-the same here. The only consolation is that now i see it for what it is-his arrogance and pigheadedness. For years I used to drive myself crazy thinking if I was being unreasonable (yep, he goes out drinking all night and I have children all day..am I being unreasonable, I used to think, he works hard in the week..) Grief, it took me sooo long to get this far! My biggest worry on splitting was also my son (squashed between two sisters and a mum who'd "pushed his dad away" The first few monthes he was difficult and would constantly blame me whilst I was secretly on big guilt trips that he now had not even a dad in front of the t.v. The last few monthes its got enormously better though, hes not so macho and last week at school they told me that they had never seen him so lively and happy-he is! Because the whole stress has gone, previously his dad used to come home and shout at me and my son would copy that example and feel the stress of our homelife. Now we function without the shouting and stress so I think I can never be a mum and dad but I can now give a good example of parenting and a happy home. The few irregular hours he has with his dad (in front of the tv at his place) are enough. you being a mother of five is an amazing role to play, don't worry about being a dad too-thats his job whether he does it good, bad or not at all-children are smart!

[Primroselady]

You can cope and being a mum of five is awesome to me (with only one!)

This is a great place to have a moan and that in its self is a good release.

Remember that sometimes the boyfriend is MR RIGHT FOR NOW not mr right, so dont put more pressure on yourself. It is almost impossible to seperate ourselves from our problems altogether so relaxe and dont beat yourself up.

[annandcait]

Hi, sorry for being slow to reply. I so very much appreciate your supportive messages. Primrose ... how right you are abt mr right!! People keep asking me abt my fella - i guess they are fishing to find out where we are going. My answer ... nowhere ... and that's absolutely fine by me. He is a real tonic ... a distraction, yes, and we just enjoy each others company. Some days the anxiety is immense and i wonder if i'm going to crack ... then he'll send me a text or something and it just all floats away! So, it's very much one day at a time.

DTMSJ Yes, you are right about sleep. I admit that when my boyfriend is here we are often late going up - but it's the only 'kid free' time and whilst my ex is out doing exactly as he pleases ... the rare moments of 'me time' that i get are precious. I am endeavouring to get longer in bed tho ... last night i made it up by 10.30 ... a real achievement for me. Also, i have to be mindful that being vegetarian (though i do have a good diet most of hte time) and breastfeeding my 7 months old still ... i have many demands on my body (on top of the 5 pg's and 3 mc's i've had in the last 10 yrs) Also I've been bf'ing almost non stop for just over 7 yrs now (4 different children). That said - i was told my HB count was okay, so i guess i can;t be doing that badly.

Would you believe, i feel terrible about submitting the arguments on the divorce petition (i sent off the signed forms today so ex will see them soon i guess). I don;t know why i have a conscience abt it ... all the info i gave for applying for a divorce are true and very valid ... i guess he has just 'trained' me into thinking that he's done nothing wrong. The anxiety that accompanies this whole process does make me feel completely sick though. We still have hte consent order to go through and i just can;t take any more arguments. I've been told time and time and time again by all those around me that i should go to a solicitor and fight this thing out because he owes me ... but i just need closure ... and SOON ... before i crack up.

besides ... if i were going ot argue the figures with him it may be 10/15k difference which is probably the amt it would cost me in legal fees anyway - so at the end of the day i wouldn;t be any better off.

Sorry guys - i'm rambling again!

Symone and megancleo thank you also for your messages. Of course i wouldn't wish this on any other person but the support of people like you who have been through it all is of great comfort to me.

xxx