is it really possible to be the mother and father figure??

[ineedaman]

my childs father has had nothing to do with him ever i havent had a 'serious' partner since giving birth and am finding it hard to be the one who punishes yet comforts at the same time. how does everyone else cope with it??

Hi - I was just looking through unanswered posts and saw your message.

Being a single parent is tough (My mum raised 4 of us alone with no relatives here in the UK) but it can be done. It takes guts and energy, sure, but it can be done.

Don't give yourself such a hard time about disciplining you (obviously very much loved) child. As long as you feel OK about the way you discipline, ie, not losing control of what you say/do and are emotionally there when comfort is needed, I am sure you will be OK.

Remind yourself that explaining to your child how to behave/interact/share is a really important part of parenting and bothering to do this makes all the difference to his/her social development.

Wishing you well. x

I think it is hard. I wasn't overly worried about my ds (5 and no contact with his father) until I read an interview with a sleb in his 30s who said he had difficulties growing up because he had no male role model (child of single mum). He also said he had difficulties with relationship with women because he had never known his mum to have a partner or even kiss a man. From what else I read his mum encouraged him to be the success that he is but obviously there is a gaping hole in his life even in adulthood.

I've started worrying more about ds as an adult than I had done with the issue of him being the only single parent child both he and I know.

I recently saw Sir Richard Bowlby talk about attachment and he talked about the two different main types of attachment which generally fall to mother and father.

To greatly simplify he said the father generally provided the excitement and 'danger' part of the relationship more than a nurturing role (although they do some of that too). He basically said what was important is that someone was able to fulfill both of those roles rather than that there was a mother and father figure.

So I guess a close friend, grandparent etc that your DC is comfortable with could fulfill the same role.

Does that make sense?

never thought about it really. I am def the fun and danger role model although admittedly I hate sport - I could really do with a bit of input on the nurturing side, emptying the ironing basket and so on
Seriously, though, I'd rather worry about something I CAN change, like our standard of living etc. Not all live in dads are involved, hands on role models, I remember mine spent most of his time behind a newspaper. These kind of prescriptive generalisations ie msut have male and female parents make me god knows how much worse it's going to become if Dave has his way
Punishing adn comforting? A lot of mums I know who are NOT single are doing this too
At least you don;t have to cope with being undermined by an unsupportive partner
two sides to every coin - you can be consistent, fair and you don't need to compromise your views

It is hard but i do my best. I have 2 boys 9 and 11 and their dad sees them 1 night every 2 weeks. We have built a treehouse, have taken up climbing, I take them skiing, quadbiking etc. In fact, they do far more exciting stuff with me than their dad who has 3 very young step kids. I am the one discussing the facts of life, explaining rude words and also giving cuddles and support every day. I do think our relationship is better than ever and much closer since their dad left us. But I do wonder about the lack of a male role model. I think I am lucky in that I am not a very girly girl. I was the only girl with 2 brothers and have worked in a very male dominated world for years so I am used to a boys world.