How do you deal with not being the fun one?

[ChairmumMiaow]

H and I are just in the process of splitting up, and we're starting to work out the details of how things will work. This is supposed to be to give us time to sort things out but H doesn't really want to try and I can't see that changing so I'm working on the basis that this is it between us and the best thing I can do is learn to live with it (and quickly as I'm due DC2 in June)

I'm understandably down at the moment (although having some good days) and DS isn't getting as much attention as he should. H seems fine most of the time, and I'm the SAHM who has to get through the day like this, he just has to do a couple of hours of fun in the evenings. We've agreed that when he moves out he'll have DS 3 evenings/nights a week, plus one day at the weekend.

DS has woken in a great mood and has gone off to walk the dog with H, who is then going to take him out to a farm park place for the day. I don't drive so I can't do stuff like that with him, and once I have 2 kids nobody I know will be able to give me a lift anywhere. We happily do stuff on the bus on our own in the week, but again, I'm going to struggle with 2. (And already struggle because of being pregnant)

I can see a future of being the boring mummy who does all of the day to day stuff, but can't find the time, money or energy to do the fun stuff. Its not that I don't want DS to enjoy his time with H, but I feel its going to be hard.

I'm hoping that before the baby comes, I'll be able to take the time to recharge myself while H has DS, so I can be more fun with him when I have him, but once the baby comes, I can't see how I'm going to manage. I worry DS is going to start resenting me

Anyone else in a similar situation? How do you cope with it all?

Your little one won't resent you, kids know how much mummy loves them and a mothers love is the most important, secure, stable love a child can have. That's why even though it might seem like dad is having more fun with your DS, it is the time you spend rearing him that is the most important. And kids enjoy nothing more than mum's cuddles.

I really hope so - I know DS is very securely attached to me, and to H, and I know that is a good thing, but as he gets older I worry he'll appreciate H's carefree time more.

He's going to be so jealous when the baby comes, and it was going to be hard even before H dropped his bombshell.

Feel for you, I'm still in that sort of position. Ex takes them on expensive holidays...
But we have 'quality' time together and have fun in our own way.
I look at it that ex seems to tire them out 'doing' stuff and they unwind and can be themselves relaxing with me.
I don't just do nothing though, we do do the occaisional thing together but as they are getting older they don't really want to do anything with either of us any more , just their friends!

Just be there for him and about the jealousy, I used Holly Bach remedy for that, and constant reference to ds that he was the clever big brother and his little sis/bro really looks up to him, baby can't do what he does etc etc.

Good luck

Really feel for yu in your situation but my only advice I can offer is to perhaps be more inventive with ideas on being the fun one.

Doesn't need to be days out fr example my DS and when I couldnt drive used to catch a train to newark it was just £3 return and we went and fed the ducks and played in the park and castle there that was free. Simple and cheap but DS loved the train ride.

And then more at home play like making dens and art stuff.

And I am certain yu DS wont resent you, maybe get them involved with helping with the baby?

Echo all the above, plus - what about learning to drive? Doesn't have to be expensive if you can get a friend to teach you and it makes being a single Mum much easier.

Tanga - I've tried twice, and my problem is that I freeze when I panic - and traffic makes me panic. I've always said its not worth killing someone or myself (or now my kids over)

I don't think I know anyone that could teach me, and I couldn't afford to run a car anyway.

Nice thought though.

Not sure if this helps, but my parents were divorced, and my Dad always used to "do things" with us like go to farm park etc, we went on holiday to Spain (not had a foreign holiday with my mum ever) and yes, those things were fun, but I am closer to my mum now, I feel like my Dad never took the time to sit down and talk to me, find out who my friends were or what I was doing at school, or what I was interested in.

And I agree that you can do fun things without it being flashy. I go out for lunch with DS sometimes - only for something cheap, but a proper grown up cafe, which he thinks is great. Or we go for a walk along the canal to see where it goes. Just going to a different park to the one you usually go to is exciting for a child, or going on a train or a double decker bus (sit upstairs at the front) to somewhere not too far away - all things done occasionally, so costs don't mount up, and I don't get completely worn out. There are things you can do at home too - make a den with a tablecloth/bed sheet and an airer, pull all the sofa cushions on the floor and crawl/climb/jump over them, get lots of pots - saucepans, washing up bowls, baby bath - full of water/sand/soil/bubbles (lots of washing up liquid) and play in the garden.

Get a sling for the baby so you can still do things with DS - e.g. going upstairs on buses will still be possible. And don't stress about doing "fun things" all the time. Another good tip is to build up a rainy day box. Keep an eye out in charity shops/supermarkets/market stalls/second hand sales etc for little things that your DS might like to do/play with like a colouring book, a DVD, or something silly like I got DS some balloons with LED lights inside for about 79p for 5 from Tesco and he has had great fun playing with one today, I have put the rest away for another day.

Bertie - thanks.

I used a sling most of the time with DS so that was already on my plan of action. I have a pushchair that either of them will be able to go in (although not really suitable for taking on the bus).

DS will only be 2.4 when this next one is born, so although he is a pretty good walker some of the time it can be quite stressful, and the bus is the same so at the moment when I go I am folding up the buggy for it.

We do things he would consider fun, but we have a routine of stuff that we do every week, so its not very special. But I guess he will appreciate the fact that I get out, and so long as I can walk a couple of miles, we'll be fine to keep doing that with the baby (I have friends who will help out while we're there)

At the moment I'm very down, but I know I've been much more fun for him in the past, and hope that once my antidepressants kick in, and H is out of the house giving me space, I can start to be more fun with him. I just remember how tired I was with him, and how I just let myself relax and do only what had to be done - its hard to imagine trying to fill a little person's emotional needs at a time like that!

I wasn't a single parent - technically - when dd was born, ds was 3 then but I may as well have been as exh was either working or off on one of his benders. Used to get horrible panic attacks as well, which weren't a lot of fun. I can drive but couldn't afford to run a car. I made up my mind that my dc wouldn't miss out on doing things just because their father was a selfish arse. He often let us down at the last minute on stuff so I used to do it anyway. Took buses and underground all over London to various parks and activities even when they were both quite small. It could be stressful at times but it certainly used to wear us all out!

I am taking them on holiday by myself in a couple of months they are 7 and 4 now so a little bit easier.

Your kids are only little a walk down the road to the local park will probably be enough excitement until you start feeling a bit more up for things.

Himy son is 14 now, i have brought him up on my own since he was six months old. his father has money and a lovely home, i have struggled financially putting myself through uni, and now work full time.

my son spends time with his dad which is filled with activites and treats, he goes on a luxury holiday with him once a year, and has every gadget going (they all have to remain at his fathers house). despite all this, if you ask my son his idea of a perfect day, he will say a 'pj day at home , with dvd's, monopoly and ice cream.

i may not have money, and be the one that sets routine, nags about making bed in morning and doing homework, but i am also the one that knows what he dreams to be, what he is most scared of, who his best friends are and who he really is under the 'teen' image he presents to everyone else.

to me that means more than money, treats and being the 'fun one'. (btw it took me a few years to come to this conclusion) i am sure your children will feel the same about you xx

Three things have helped me with this which I think is a real problem for single mums. We can't afford a car either. DD (3.3) is often talking about all the things that Daddy has or does, but I just try and remember that it's both natural for her to talk about it, and for me to find it painful to hear.

The first is watching friends with both parents around and seeing that even in healthy relationships there is often an element of this, just due to how most couples share things out.

And the second is to choose to be as fun as I can be. I too get very down, but I still make myself be the mum that gets on the climbing frame/soft play with dd, and will run after her bike, etc, - harder with 2, sure, but still possible.

The third is to look at and value what you do and your ex doesn't. My dd doesn't swim bake or do arty things with her dad. We do those and enjoy them, they are mine and hers, and hopefully she will remember that amidst the treats and toys.

When my lousy marriage came to an end six monthes ago and I found myself stuck penniless in Germany with 3DC, one of my biggest fears was how "sugar daddy" would continue to be so and I would be even more of just a functioning mum who had no car, couldn't afford an icecream etc. At first it was like that, I was too drained emotionally to do more than just function. My DD1 told me that I'm the one they can talk to though, who helps with h.work, who listens-that helped alot. And now 6 monthes later I'm beg to enjoy life again, dance around the kitchen, paint and colour wih my heart and soul and know thats what I give my children. There are times (pregnancy, new babies, seperations..) when we don't manage it but on the whole we don't need to worry about giving our children valuable memories. Jiust think, what are your most valuable memories as a child?