I think I need a kick up the proverbial.

[ambientcoast]

Hi all...

To cut a long story short, my wife decided she wanted to split (with no warning, no talking, no discussion, nothing) about 2 months ago. It was literally one day she was trying to book us a family holiday, and the next she was off. That's how sudden it was from my point of view.

There's no-one else as far as I know, and the only reason she's given me that makes any kind of sense is that she needs to 'get her life back'. Not that it makes much sense anyway.

She couldn't move out for 6 weeks (the flat she'd found for herself wasn't available until then) so we lived in separate rooms until around 2 weeks ago when she moved out. Ugh.

We've got two kids aged 8 and 5 who are now splitting their time between each of our places (with slightly more time with me) and it all feels wrong on just about every possible level.

Now, in my head I know there's no way back from this, because she's already done it once before when the kids were 5 and 2 - and that time she actually moved out and left them solely with me. She did come back after about 4 months, and it was marked down to PND, stress, etc.

But now that she's done it again and with the same circumstances, I can't risk the chance of it happening a third time to me and the kids... however I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with that line of thinking.

What's really bothering me a lot though is the loss of my family unit - and whether I'll ever get that family 'feel' back with someone else - whether they also have kids or not. I'm talking about holidays, christmases, weekends away, days on the beach, nights in with a DVD, big homecooked meals, etc, etc... just all the simple family stuff that was/is super important to me.

Now that my original family is split, can you ever build something else as special as that? Am I worrying too much about this? Do I just need someone to kick me up the arse and tell me to get on with living my life with my kids?

Jeez, this is so tough.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I don't know the answer to your question.

But, yes, perhaps you need a gentle reminder to concentrate on life now and to try to enjoy a little bit of everyday even though you might not be happy all day everyday. Worrying about a future that you can't forsee is wasted worry. Worry about the things you are dealing with now rather than things you have no control over.

Also you still have a family unit it is just a different one.

These are the things that got me through and seven months down the line I am doing okay. I still don't know if my family will ever be bigger than DD and me, but I am not scared by the prsopect that it might not. If that makes sense.

Hi ambientcoast,
I understand where your coming from, my husband and I seperated 6 monthes ago and finally, in the last week I've actually started to wake up without that gutted feeling again. I finally have hope again yet nothing has changed, I guesss just time has helped a little. I have 3 beautiful children and I used to have this fixed-idea of a big, chaotic family. When we broke up I continued to function but inwardly I was thinking whats it all for, the family doesn't exist anymore...grief, it was hard. Six monthes later I see it differently. The children and I are an intact family unit and we've got to be a strong one to face the world out there! Best of luck, give yourself time to heal and when possible forget your worries by enjoying your children!

Yep, I'm functioning... but only just.

What's just as hard as losing the 'family' thing, is having the knowledge that my kids won't be under the same roof as me for half of their lives until they're old enough to decide where they want to live.

Not sure that will ever feel right. Or normal.

sorry - that must be painful.

I'd suggest that you go take a look at the singlewithkids.co.uk site. Lots of people in the same position at different stages, some in new relationships, some not (and they run great holidays so you don't feel like a spare part.

And don;t forget that plenty of parents don;t see thier children for 2/3/4 days a week in practice (getting home form work after bedtime etc) and manage successful relationships with their children.

Not very helpful to you at this stage but I hope you can battle on and find a new way to be a family - there is more than one. It;s just DS and me and we very much feel like a family.

Hi Ambient

I still remember my early days. I hope I never forget. They were tough. My son was 1 and my daughter 5 when my ex & I split. We had them fairly equally with me slightly more. Over the years this has gone down to them going to hers once a fortnight.

Its tough but you will get over it. As hollow as it sounds time will heal. What helped me was realising that I was far from alone and there are plenty of single dads who were getting on with it. That and the kids adapted better than I did!

All the best

Niceguy2 - thanks for the note. How did the once a fortnight thing come about? Did she intentionally reduce contact?

Everyone who knows my ex (mutual friends/her family/my family) seem to think that I'll eventually end up with the kids pretty much full time... just trying to gauge which way this whole thing might go.

Hi Ambient
My DP has 2 kids with ex and they share, very amicably, custody split v evenly - but he does still miss them being here all the time.
Life moves on and it gets a bit easier with time, all the best!

hi ambient,,, honestly it will get better my husband left 8 months ago now... funnily enough because of the same reason your wife has left " he needs to be him, didnt want a wife or kids just couldnt say no

in the long run though you will know you are better off without...
it is tough but will get easier..

you sound like a great guy! actually like my perfect man!!!

"you sound like a great guy! actually like my perfect man!!!"

C'mon... you know flattery will get you anywhere!

Actually, though... sometimes I think I'm being a bit soft over all this. It's generally not the dads who have had the most to do with their kids, right?

But the more I do think about it, the more I believe I'll probably end up with someone with their own kids who's been through a similar thing to me.

At least that way, we'll be two people with our heads screwed on properly and we'll both be wanting to rebuild the family thing.

Hi Ambient. The whole once a fortnight thing came about over time. Its a really long story but suffice to say it suited her just fine until I decided to move. Then it all kicked off. We're over it now though and overall she's a good mum now. Bit too little, too late however. Sometimes she still makes me laugh as I offered her an extra weekend a few weeks ago and she told me she couldn't because it was "too hard" for her.

Anyway, without meaning to play down your situation, you are lucky in that you have regular access to your kids. Many vindictive ex's will refuse contact just to punish their ex. Its one of the things I am truly thankful for.

As for the future I think you are right. I have dated a lot of women and found that only those who had their own kids truly understood the world I lived in. A lot of single ladies want you to place them above everything. Something which when you have kids you know simply won't happen.

i try!!! lol
your not being soft. it just is really hard i still have moments when i think i might have a little cry but luckily they are getting fewer and far between..

so where abouts are you based ambient?