Husband is leaving me for younger woman

[celticfairy101]

Hi new here and need to talk. Have already spoken to my mum and sister and they are giving me all the support I need.

I was very ill for a couple of years and had two big operations which required 3 months of recuperation each. To cut a long story short, sex wasn't really on the agenda for me. Thought my husband, who is three years younger (46) would understand but he has met someone through work. She's married but with no kids, 37. He's had the snip. He's been 'flattered by her attentions'.

He told me 'I was his intellectual inferior' and his girlfriend is all he has ever wanted. I've no idea if she's leaving her husband but I believe the marriage was heading for the rocks.

I have three kids 2 girls and a boy, the eldest almost 17, then 14 with the lad 8. He's autistic.

I know we had our hands full but I feel totally abandoned though I'm going to stay in the house. He's moving 200 miles away to be closer to her.

I'm determined to face this on - I've gotten through the illness and now back on form but I've no idea how to get back into the work place after such a long break.

Any help would be a help. Thanks

Just to add, my sex drive has finally returned, which is nice!

I don't really know what to say, it's not easy. I returned to work having had a 9 year break, I'm a nurse so returning wasn't a big deal really, I had to do a 3 month return to nursing course and didn't have a problem getting a job. You sound positive, have you thought about a job in school given the ages of your dc.

It sounds like he's your 'intellectual inferior'. What a nasty thing for him to have said, especially as he's moving 200 miles away and you have a teenage kids and a son with autism. You must have a lot on your plate. Unfortunately so many people are like this when they're in 'lust', but reality will soon catch up with them. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

In the meantime, not having been married I don't know the ins and outs of it all, but you need a solicitor to sort out your financial requirements from your husband re. maintenance and child support.

I found that once the initial shock of seperation (although my xp was only with me for 4 years so a completely different kettle of fish I admit) what really gets me down is lack of support from him. So you need to make what you want clear from the very beginning. Don't let him piss you about. You have to be hyper-assertive because my experience with my xp is that he tries on all sorts of excuses as to why he can't pay the agreed amount of support.

It's great that you're getting help from your family because that is so invaluable at a time like this.

Other people have also had help with counselling, although again I have no experience with this. It might be a good idea just to work you through the process of separation especially since he's had an affair or at the very least left you for another woman.

And finally all I can say is that it is always a shock when a man/woman walks out on their family in times of stress when really they should be working through it. But that is their weakness, and not yours. I think the women they leave with always have it in the back of their minds that they are with a bit of a loser.

And things will settle down for you. Make your life one of strict routine for the next few months at least and don't leave time for yourself to worry, but this is easier said than done. It's a bit of a cliche, but things do get better with time and you won't feel like this forever.

Hope this helps in some way and best of luck for the future.

Ps what was your line of work?

You are his intellectual inferior!?!?!? he said that. Wow, he is your humanity inferior.

You'll get through this honestly. You have three children and you have your house. And you won't always feel like his going as a loss.

I give it 6 months before they split.

Hmmmm.

He has a remarkably high opnion of himself for someone who is prepared to skip out on his wife and kids without so much as a by your leave, doesn't he?

I'd say that he is your inferior in every way, celticfairy.

Thank goodness for your supportive family.

wow, can't wait to read your thread about meeting a kind man who wants to make you happy...because it will happen.

Get busy, get out and get financially sorted. Make provisions now on the basis he will not play fair. Record everything.

Agree with Niceguy2. My Dad said the same thing to my mum (amongst other things) when he left her for someone 15 years younger. The whole thing lasted a year. He would have come crawling back given half the chance.

You sound very strong and you will get through this and be even stronger. What did you do before you had children?

I bet you £50 that she never even leaves her DH for your exDH.

TBH, and I know this is easy for me to say, you sound well rid of the arsehole.

How about ringing the job centre? They have "get back to work" courses.

Thanks so much for your kind messages of support. It helps so much. I like the idea of setting a strict routine and leaving no time for worry. I'm still raw about this as he told me last night and I got about half an hour kip before the alarm went off - I sleep with my little boy now.

What did I do BC? It's so bloody long ago now I can barely remember. I left mainstream work, secretarial, PA communications administrater in 1995! Ancient am I! Though I don't look it...

However I trained as a volunteer Parental Supporter for parents of children with special needs and having been doing that on and off in the last three years, fitting it in between operations and recuperations. I also volunteer for the mother and toddler group my son went to as well as helping out once a month for the senior citizens lunch (which is fun believe it or not).

I do online reviews for a book chain. And none of these are paid though I get free books and expenses for the parental support volunteering.

I do get paid for invigilating but this is not weekly work.

Other than that I've got good typing skills - you never loose that.

I did have my own gardening business for two years before ds arrived.

Jack of all Trades then. I don't know if I could work in a school as it requires a level of fitness I'm not sure I have at the moment - though I sure I'd get used to it. I've got good local contacts and that's a bonus.

Once again thanks - a million.

Celtic-- You sound multi talented, once you get over the grieving process for your marriage, you will sail away from that useless heartless b .
Try not to focus on or feel guilt about the breakdown of the marriage, your children need you to be strong for them.
Lean on your family they will always support you. Ignore your H's nasty comments, men always assuage their guilt by making it the womans fault.
Even if his new relationship doesn't work out would you still have him back? If the answer is no, you can move on more easily and not keep looking to the past.
Lots of hugs and best wishes to you.

well, I don't think you'll have any trouble getting back into the workplace health permitting because it sounds like you never really left it!!

To meet someone else, fall in 'love', get a divorce, that's one thing. (Notice I didn't say what kind of thing) But to leave 3 kids to go 200 miles away is utterly despicable. Could he not just get a motorbike or a sports car like all the other midlife crisis pillocks? Presumeably he thinks you are his intellectual inferior because he's thinking with his knob and you haven't got one.

See a solicitor, get a good deal, set up your own business? Bet you'll qualify for all sorts of start-up grants...got a nice garden? Why not set up a nursery (plants, I mean) with a special section for SN kids to have a mini-farm and employ SN adults to work there. How's about that for bringing your skills together?

After a year you'll be like, 'DH who?'

Celtic, I bet he's having a total midlife crisis.

Next thing you know, he'll go get a convertible and go on a expensive holiday to go "find himself".

Later after his kids hate him and the borrowed money runs dry he'll split from the woman who was "all he ever wanted" and spend his time thinking "Crap! I've really fucked up here!"

celtic, i think you are in a really good position to get a job. don't ever underestimate the benefit of having volunteered, particularly in a caring or supportive role. you will get work with any care agency in the land. also if you look on your local govt website there will be a wide variety of roles for which you do have the relevant experience, as volunteering counts as experience. you could apply for something part-time while you get yourself back on your feet healthwise, then consider topping up your income with some gardening work.
i wish you all the best

"Later after his kids hate him and the borrowed money runs dry he'll split from the woman who was "all he ever wanted" and spend his time thinking "Crap! I've really fucked up here!"

Actually he'll be blaming the OP for "poisoning the children" but fortunately by then neither she nor the children will give a monkey's ball what he thinks.

I would say try an agency, if you fancy getting back into the secretarial side. Particularly if you have a specialist area like law or medicine - temp jobs dried up a lot last year but there's always the odd thing around, plus they might give you a chance to do some refresher stuff on their software. Once they know you and your skills/maturity, you should get plenty of work, and an agency shouldn't care about your recent health record, which a permanent employer might.

If anything agencies are even less friendly and helpful than they used to be, though you might be lucky with your branch - just don't take it personally - times are a bit tough financially!

Have you ever done something like applied behavioural analysis with your son? There is often ABA tutor work about for younger children, maybe during afternoon school hours, and it's better paid than a lot of other things, though it wouldn't be much of a break for you!

Very best of luck. I notice that you don't say much about whether you would actually like your husband to come back, which may or may not express how you are feeling. I hope things take a turn for the better soon.

He is an utter wanker. Blaming you and putting you down is pretty much standard behaviour in this situation unfortunately. It allows him to justify his own awful behaviour. Have been there myself and fought my way back. Get a solicitor and a counsellor for support. Allow your self to get angry and then cut contact with him and start to rebuild your life. You have so many talents you can do it!

Hi Celtic Fairy. Try your local hospital. Ask for the admin/secretarial manager and ask if they have any hours on a zero hours contract. It's a good way to get your foot in the door. Good luck. x