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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Worried about bumping into abusive XP.

17 replies

Tortoise · 28/02/2010 21:47

Xp was violent to my DS1 and emotionally abusive to him and me.
He was removed from my rented property 4 years ago.
I haven't seen him (apart from once he drove past me) in 3 years.
He has recently moved about 4 miles away but another of his XP's is about to move closer to my house from further up the road. He has 2 DC with her and will pick them up for contact at his flat.

I don't know exactly what days he has them, although normally a Saturday as far as i know, but i am so worried that i could be walking past there when he picks up/drops off.

I have always been scared of bumping into him since he was removed but knew he had no reason to be near my house. Now he will be coming closer than before. And i often walk past where she will be living.

I want to move away but don't know how to. Looked into HA exchange. Would i be able to apply for housing outside my area or go on the housing list in another area?

Is there anything else i can do? I don't think he would do anything in particualar but if i had DD's with me they would want to see him (They haven't had contact for 6mths, waiting for space at contact centre)
Hope this makes sense. TIA.

OP posts:

AMAZINWOMAN · 28/02/2010 21:50

Would it be possible to have a "comment" ready just in case you bump into him? Just something like, "Hello, i have to dash as I am late?"

Original poster

Tortoise · 28/02/2010 21:56

I'm not sure. I feel sick at just the thought of seeing/having to take to him. I know DD's would be excited if thy saw him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tortoise · 28/02/2010 21:57

Can't even type properly now!
Talk and they.

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 01/03/2010 10:21

oh tortoise i understand how you're feeling. can you go to housing association and let them know what's happened? maybe ask them to move you quicker than normal (if ot#'s possible fo ryou to move)?

Original poster

Tortoise · 01/03/2010 12:25

thanks, I could try ringing HA see if they can help.
Trying not to let it get to me today.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 01/03/2010 12:31

understand the fear but agree on need to plan something to say if you do meet in street;

and ways to be bright with dcs ("we will be seeing daddy soon at xxx centre" ... but move on...

my ex had letterbox contact (used to drop things on door step) at one point - got it fixed to agreed time but once i was coming back one hour after that time (dcs with babysitter) and he was sitting there outside ...was soo spooky.. i hid behind tree waiting til he had gone...

another encounter he followed me onto tube and started being verbally abusive...ugh.

first times meeting on street accidentally were awful... now has settled a bit - takes time.

hope contact centre starts soon - at least is controlled situation then and maybe gradually you would be able to cross paths ok?

i started off contact centre avoiding him and they supported that (separate rooms etc) but by last few sessions i was ok about crossing paths...

mrsmharket · 03/03/2010 10:28

hi tortoise were you able to get through? (((())))

Original poster

Tortoise · 03/03/2010 10:33

Haven't got around to phoning. Been helping friend whose dog died Monday.
Probably putting it off as i hate making phone calls like that.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 10:39

am in a similiar position tortoise....my ex has been assesed by MAPPA as a high risk to women and a medium/high risk to children.....my HA say no extra points can be allocated to help me move away....even though he's extrememly dangerous,has extensive mental health problems,and frequently attempts suicide and has threatened to take out 4 dc with him......

nothing can be done to move me

private rental with rent assistance scheme is only way

mrsmharket · 03/03/2010 10:42

oh no

what's mappa??

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 10:49

its to do with probation service. stands for multi agency public protection araangement.....dangerous people are assesed using these guidelines

he has just come out of prison for breach of bail conditions (he threatened police with a replica firearm whilst trying to kill himself!!) so was on probation for that,but left his bail hostel to move in with a girlfriend who had young kids...i had contacted her via facebook,which i do with every girlfriend i find out about,but she then got beaten badly by him. he was in prison,released few weeks ago....not gone back to a bail hostel,nobody knows where he is

is he going to come after me?? probably....he might be watching me now...i wont ever know...

Original poster

Tortoise · 03/03/2010 10:51

Threeblonde Sorry to hear that.
My XP was assessed as a significant risk to children, although he hasn't been stopped from having regular contact alone with his other DC. That is up to their Mum and she isn't worried about them. I think with him it is more risk if they aren't his own children.
I have thought about private rent but worried about the risks of that plus not sure how housing benefit works with private rent.

I would be happy with an exchange, even if it was still 3 bed property, although i think we need 4 bedrooms really!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 11:15

well with 5 dc i also need 5 beds,but we arent a priority and cope well enough with a small 3 bed.....would be happy to move to same size

so no house swaps look likely for you? have you posted on a swap site? i was approached by someone who wanted a 3 way swap,but wasnt right in the end

do you have the bidding system?

i'm going to try and get social services to help me...am in court on monday to get last of access sorted. cafcass say letterbox only now,but i'm aware my address is flagged wuth ss in case he tries anything,so might try that angle

Original poster

Tortoise · 03/03/2010 11:53

4 DC here. Almost as manic as 5 i should think!
Yes i think we have bidding system, i know nothing about it!

Looked at house swap sites but not joined yet. Think i need to do some work on my house first to have any chance of a swap. Ones i have looked at, most want within the area they are already in which doesn't help me as i want out of the area.

Good luck with SS. I don't have a sw anymore.

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 03/03/2010 14:11

oh no three
hb and private rent in my area (sw) - i think they look at how many bedrooms you are 'entitled to' and then decide how much hb to give you. if you have more bedrooms than you need, unlikely , then you won't reeive the full cost of rent. possibly. instead of taking my experiences as the truth, it may be worth you going to your local citizen's advice bureau to find out the current legalities of it.

hth

Original poster

Tortoise · 03/03/2010 20:57

Thanks. Hadn't thought about CAB. (SW here too! Somerset)

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 04/03/2010 10:10

no probs
(i used to be fransmom and now you said that it rings a bell lol- am in W)

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