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denying paternity but demanding custody!!

19 replies

manda1982 · 27/02/2010 20:08

im really hoping for some advice please?? what would be the consuquences if i cut all contact between my son and his father??

i was in an abusive relationship with him for 8 months and ended it when i was 4 months pregnant he smashed my house and stole alot of money social services were also involved due to the large poliuce involvment. i never pressed charges. anyway when we broke up i tried to stay civil for the sake of the baby and my daughter who is now 4 and was very close to him. as the pregnancy went on he became very manipulative and abusive but was at the birth. at that point things turned. he completely controlled my every move if he couldnt see the baby when he demanded sometimes with 10 mins notice he threatened to kill me steal the baby tell social services i was a drug addiuct. i was even griving him around within 24 hours of giving birth despite telling him i didnt feel well enough. anyway his demands were getting worse he was saying he was telling me i couldnt take kids to doctors/ health visitor/ hospital if it didnt fit around him so at 3 weeks i was so exhausted ( he had seen his son 7 days a week from the day he was born i went to a solicitor weho wrote to him and advised one day a week for a few hours in town. i was thwere too as i was breastfeeding. he demanded my daughter wasnt present. (after threatening to kill me for seeing a siolicitor. i only did as he said he had one who was in the process of arranging full custody for him) anyway he became more damanding and abput 2 weeks after the first meeting in town was very drunk in my car. constantly was talking about when he moved back in when we got married. i pulled over and shouted there was no future we werent evenm friends. he shook up a bottle of coke threw it in the kids faces (son at this point was about 6 weeks old) and threw the bottle at me. something snapped and the monthe of abuse and accusations just made me see sense (he accused me of sleeping around even as far as accusing me of things with a doctor on the maternity ward who i had a laugh with at 42 weeks and any man who walked past me or cousin!!) so i got a non molestation order which he breached twice in the first week and recieved a fine!! back at court a few weeks later he wanted it dropped i refused so he contested it. till the next court date i allowed him access to both children. he saw my daugher once then said he didnt want to see her again and would not change sons nappy when with him.he would tell solicitors all was fine for contact then would get a call from his father when at drop off point saying move it back an hour of change place. he also at this time accused me of sitting outside his flat for hours in my car when at solicitors!! (he had moved onto street where my solicitors was) anyway one day when i was dropping of son he came towards me shouting police said i had put myself ion danger droppiong off son and not to do it again. this breach got dropped in court as my word against his!! so he contested order in court judge made order watertight and extended it for a further 6 months and advised supervised acess. so mother started taking baby to contact center nappy never changed baby came back every fortninght with nappy rash. as ex told to arrive same time as baby my mum often ends up in lift with ex and walking along corridors. he tells alot of lies and brags about life and holidays. at this point he had moved miles away and got a good job. well csa contacted him he didnt respond. they wrote saying they would take money out of wagews he walked out of job that week! so back in court the other week judge asked for a section 7 cafcass review as i had evidence he is teling people he is having me killed and going to kidnap son. also has been telling other parents at daughters shool im an unfit mother, im a drug addict, that i sold the kids christmas presents for crack!!. anyway i called the csa yesterday to find the £11 i had been awarder??? had not gone into my account they advised he had contacted them to say the baby wasnt his. however despite sayingthis to the csa he can still take me to court for parental responsability and apply for full custody?? does this sound crazy to anyone else??? anyway when my mum takes him to the contact center i have to give her £10 petrol. and pay a friend £10 to take daughter out as she becomes incrediblyu distressed screaming wanting her brother (she is disabled with poor communication). anyway out of £40 a week ioncome support every othwer week it costs me £20 for my son to see his fatheron top of me providing food bottles nappies baby wipes ect.

as ex is now denyiong baby is his and my father no longer wanting my mother anywhere near ex she can no longer take son to center. i have no one else to take him. center said i can take him but might bump into ex (police have said this is too dangerous). no one not even my solicitor will understand the position i am in i cant afford to send him to see his father anymore why should my kids have to go without, so im going to see my solicitor on wed and say im not taking him to contact center anymore for a number of reason. infact im not allowing him contact in anyway. what consuquences will this have for me and my son?? will i be punnished?? would loves some advice please

sorry for such a long message upset and rambelling.

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chipmonkey · 27/02/2010 21:05

Oh, you poor thing! Sorry, don't have any legal advice but I'm sure someone will be along soon who does.

GypsyMoth · 27/02/2010 21:12

contact centre shoukd be able to ensure safe drop off/pick up where you dont meet.

but if he thinks he's not the father then surely contact wont be necessary....

can court/solicitors organise dna test?

Littlefish · 27/02/2010 21:15

Manda - that sounds like a very difficult and distressing situation.

I think you might have more responses if you copied and pasted your initial message in smaller chunks. It's quite hard to read in one long section.

heQet · 27/02/2010 21:15

If he's denying he's the father I can't see how he can make any demands. That wouldn't make any sense at all!

Of course, he'd be asked to take a dna test by the CSA to establish whether or not he was the father.

I think you need to discuss it all with your solicitor - who will be able to understand your position and what you're saying, they deal with all manner of situations day in day out.

And go back to court if you feel you're in danger.

Does he really want to see the child because he loves the child or does he want to use the child to get to you?

If he just wants to use the child to hurt / annoy / upset you, then being as helpful as possible and really pushing contact as something you want would probably make him disappear. I think it's called reverse psychology or something!

manda1982 · 27/02/2010 21:21

hi thanks for the responses talked to solicitor yesterday who advised that denying he is a father to the csa has nothing to do with his demanding custody. it seems like a joke to me but i really dont know where to go. will try reposting shorter version. first post so a bit new at this xxx

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manda1982 · 27/02/2010 21:27

sorry also contact center said they are short staffed and altrhough some weeks they can pick him up from car park other weeks i will need to bring him and collect him myself. he is nearly 9 months and with car seat and changing bag im pretty slow.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 21:28

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 21:30

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manda1982 · 27/02/2010 21:38

thanks for that. he isnt allowed to contact me in any way other than through a solicitor. there have been many issues which police are dealing with recent breeches of the restraining order but have been waiting since the 5th of december and police are still waiting to find out who phones i get weird texts from are registered too despite him having that number on his facebook!!! he uses his facebook which is available to the public to talk about driving through my window to steal the baby and hiring a hitman to kill me also that i am an unfit mpother. although police and solicitors said and easy libel case i would need to fund myself and find a solicitor who would try it!!! basically he can make all kinds of accusations to me to people i know and im not allowed to comment!! (i had to delete all friends we had in common and change email now phone number and probably move house to stop him contacting me even though i have a restraining order!

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 21:43

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manda1982 · 27/02/2010 21:48

not at all any help would be really appreciated. [posted a brief in chat but seem to just be getting that im doing my son a diservice if i dont let him see his father.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 22:00

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 22:07

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manda1982 · 27/02/2010 22:07

thank you. i have always allowed him access to his son but im at the point now where im ready to scream and cant see any good coming from it. the post i have put above is a brief outline. i cant help thinking that if something happens to him io will only have myself to blame as all my instinkts are telling me not to send him. my barrister says its clear he wants parental responsabilioty so he can snatch him and refuse to give him back. not cause he thinks the baby is better off with him but because he is playing games with me. butr he is doing it and the kids expense.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 22:15

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manda1982 · 27/02/2010 22:23

cafcass were involved and should have done a report but nothing at court in december or feb so now doing a section 7. i have had a lovely social worker who is well aware of all the crazy. also helps that my daughter is bisabled so have medical profesionals in my house a few times a week who all think i deal fantastically well. also a report from social servioces before i met my ex when i was asking for help with nursery funding saying my daughter would gain more being at home with me than any nursery they could pay for. he also in court papers said i was violent and abusive towards the kids but only wanted joint custody??? judge pulled this and said surely if ypou thought someone was hurting your baby you would not want them around your child at all???

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EasyEggs · 27/02/2010 22:24

Wow. I think you have been more than fair to this man by letting him still see ds.

I think you have been given some fab advice here and can't really add to it I'm afraid.

I most definately don't agree that contact with a father like this is helpful to the child in anyway at all.

I have a similar situation with ex h that will soon be going to court but if they haven't stopped your ex seeing ds then doesn't look like I have a chance

I hope you manage to make some calls etc asap and can get things moving in the right direction for you and the dc's. Good luck

manda1982 · 27/02/2010 22:40

thank you i just need a line drawn under it. i know there was a recent case where a father was awarded custody of his son after mother ignored court orders but surely the father must have to show he can look after and support a child before that can happen also by refusing contact and going to court which costs me a fortune in child minders could i just not and run out his legal aid. i dont want to sound like a bitch but know he wouldnt fight to see the baby if he had to pay for it!!

hope you get your issues sorted easily.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2010 22:45

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