advice badly needed

[crunchieaddict]

Hi everyone,
My Husband of 12 years has decided that he doesn't want me anymore.
We have had ups & downs like most couples,but we always seemed to get on,so when in January he said he wanted a trial seperation,it was a huge shock.
We live in the same house,as there's no way he could afford another place,until our home is sold,but although the atmosphere wasn't great,at least we were trying to talk,even had a few cuddles.
3 days ago he looked really sad,and finally told me that the marriage has come to a natural end.
I'm trying to get my head round this at moment,and were telling our 9y,at the next school hols,we are really trying to be amicable about this but im so confused.
He keeps telling me he will always love me,but it's not enough,he's refused relate,and has said he will do everything he can to make sure we have a nice home somewhere else,i was abit shocked that he said that after sale of home,and debts are paid,that profit would be split 50/50,but as i said i'm trying to be adult about this.
Told my sister today,and she said i should stay in home until youngest (4y) is 18,i explained that after mortagage,bills,debts etc my Husband is left with nothing,so i no thats unrealistic,she said i should be entitled to more from house sale,as im looking after the kids.
My Husband & i had already discussed that we will try to do this ourselves,rather than the courts.
He is a lovely man and a fantastic Dad,so now i just dont know what to do as my minds all over the place.
What would you do?

you would get more if you went through solicitors, usually 60/40 (60 to you)of what every was left and in some cases a 70/30 split but very rare.

you may be able to stay in the house if you can afford the mortgage etc and he could take a charge over the property until you cohabited with someone else, remarried or youngest reaches 18 but he may not want to agree to this

sorry to hear about your predicament im with your sister on this one, i was in the same situation as yourself 5 years ago my ex was a lovely man and a fantastic dad too when we discussed our divorce, he had to be because he wanted me to agree with his sensible way of thinking as soon as i said no mr niceguy turned nasty, seek advice first before you agree to anything remember you and the kids come first accommodation wise whats the rush in putting the house on the market . Why doesnt he want to go to Relate?

If I where in your situation I would go and speak to a solicitor.

Presumably the children will be living with you and you will be their resident parent? I tihnk you should have the option of staying in the house and buying your DP out of his share of the house.

Go and speak to a solicitor. I'm afraid that a man who has said he doesn't want to be with you any more and then says 'Let's sort this out ourselves' means 'I am going to fuck you over financially or at least put my own interests way ahead of the DCs or of yours.'

I would personally sit down with him and try and work out a higher portion from the house sale for you and the kids, plus what maintenance he will pay you etc. If you feel happy with what you agree, then go and get what you have both agreed legally written down 'quickly!'. If he refuses to budge on his 50/50 split I also think he's being very selfish. Unless you are in a position to buy your own house, have a good career behind you etc its not an easy ride for a single parent and every penny counts.

Only use Solicitors/Court to battle this out as a last resort - it can make things very nasty and turn even the nicest of people against each other! We had already amicably verbally agreed all the figures but his friends/family got to him and told him to follow the legal route straight away - from that point on it was hell and we still have problems communicating with one another a few years down the line!

I agree with chubbasmum - I had a 'lovely man/husband/father' too - at the time you don't realise some of them are only 'nice' to be manipulative and when you don't agree with them they can turn nasty (had never witnessed his temper before this!) - an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone!

Good luck x

Solidgoldbrass is right.

A lovely man and fantastic dad DOES NOT walk out on his family.

Mine was a "lovely man and fantastic dad too" I thought until he left us for a younger woman and then he turned into a twunt.

Sorry to be hard but you're going to have to grow some balls, fast.

Don't trust him he's relying on your good nature to get as much as he can out of this.

Fight calmly and with dignity for what you and your kids need and deserve.

He's broken his vows and your heart.

Don't leave your house.

Go to a solicitor ASAP

Good Luck. x

What an awful position to be in, I really feel for you, and have nothing but admiration for your dignity - I think I'd probably be throwing things.

I understand where the other posters are coming from but sometimes a fight is the last thing children need at times like this. Your hubby hasn't comitted a crime, he has fallen out of love with you and at least had the balls to tell you so. People can't force themselves to love someone. Maybe other people would rather a man stayed for the children, and pity for you, but you don't sound like you are that sort of person.

You could fight for the house (if you feel that is what's important to you and the children - and I don't mean that in a judgey way) but I'd sort out what is happening with the children first. Perhaps the 50/50 is because he wants to be able to provide them with a decent place to live when they are with him, too?

All the best to you and your children, and trust me, you will survive and be happy again.

So you have a 12 year marriage behind you, a 9 year old DS, you have had a comfortable relationship where you get on OK, yet he says that's not enough and won't go to Relate.

I just don't get what men are after in life. Just what does he think is waiting for him around the corner?

Either he's a romantic idealist yearning for the impossible, or he has someone else lined up.

you can both go through mediation and that way have someone else go through with both of you what you both think is fair

it is all very well me saying well I think you should get this because of this and that, the same with your sister or best friend or work mate.

it needs to be you and your ex that decide what is right for you all at the end of your marriage but at the begining of you both caring and sharing parenting for your dc

tbh it is very very rare for a man to leave a marriage if there is not another person envolved.

What you need to do though is decide what you both want at the end and not try to worry to much about whether or if there is antoher perosn - it is not going to change things at this late stage and you still need to divide your home

SGB is right, see a solicitor. You can still decide if you want to take their advice, but at least you will know what you are entitled to, and why.

If your ex is genuinely a nice person who has your interests at heart, he won't want to see you come off with less than the law says you are entitled to, will he?

I sold and split 50 50 with my ex, financially it was a terrible decision, that is still having an effect on the children and me - we can't afford to buy our own house with the amount that we got from selling the old one. Like you, I didnt want a solicitor, tried to keep everything as nice as possible, etc.
On the other hand, ex h got his full share straight away - pity he didnt use it to help support his children though.

If it's a situation where both partners agree that they have outgrown the relationship and want to make the split amicable, that's probably manageable without solicitors.
However, when one partner has dumped the other, that partner will either make a very generous offer (if s/he can afford to) in order to walk away with a cleaner conscience, or do his/her best to persuade the other partner to shut up, accept being dumped, ask for nothing and be grateful for any crumbs s/he is given.
CHECK with a solicitor or advice centre what you are entitled to, OP. If the offer your XH is making is fair, he won't mind. If he goes cuckoo at the mere thought of you seeking independent advice, then he is ripping you off.

You are under absolutely no obligation to play nice. This is a business deal and you owe the DC the best you can get from this man.

Get a solicitor to talk with you about your rights and his responsibilities. And try to find out all his assets. Get copies of all finance-related paperwork, all debts, all assets, accounts, pay stubs. This is not personal, it's business. Divorce is not about who did what, who is right or wrong. It boils down to money and property.

SGB - that's a good analysis.
I would just add, that by the time ex and I couldnt wait to be rid of each other, I did the former (cleared my conscience) and he tried without success to do the latter (get everything).
Probably it would have been in the childrens best interests if I had hung on to more, as we would then have our own house again.

Firstly I'm wondering if you're ok? It's a horrible place to be, having been through a similar thing myself...sounds like there are a few of us here, and judging by the good advice given so far, it shows that you can get through this in one piece and all the stronger for it. My XH walked out six years ago and I felt I had to make sure I got a good deal financially to make sure my kids had a decent place to live and an acceptable standard of living. The idea of that, helped me, as Pinksmarties said 'grow some balls'. I went straight to a solicitor.

crunchieaddict how are you ? Its all quite overwhelming isnt it.

Hope you're ok love. x