Ahhhhhh!! What do I do? Adice/support needed.

[pollyh]

My husband of nine years has just walked out on me and our three children tonight. I have a beautiful 3 week old baby, an 18 month old and a 3 year old.

How can he? What kind of man is he?

I feel so vulnerable at the moment, big and fat and full of hormones!!

I always thought I had one of the good guys, in fact my friends have always been envious of the kind of husband/dad he was.

Then two weeks before I gave birth he told me he wasn't happy any more.

I feel mortified, I don't want to be that tale of woe.

When he was leaving tonight he told me he hasn't been happy for years (in which time we have had two more children - oh why didn't he tell me sooner).

I'm a strong person, so I know I'll cope, but I don't want to cope, I want to live, I want my children to live.

I thought our marriage was for keeps, I wanted to grow old and have grandchildren and be a happy normal family, the kind I grew up in as did he.

He just keeps saying he doesn't feel like his own man. Isn't that part of being in a family, where you have to consider and make sacrifices for your children / partner.

I now have the task of telling my little boy who idolises his dad in the morning that daddy doesn't live here any more.

I feel sick at the thought of having to share the children with him, I know it's what the children will need, but I hate the thought of having to live a life which is not the life I choose.

I guess I want to know that happy endings are possible. Not necessarily with him, but with someone who will be happy just to be with me and my children.

My poor poor children, particularly the baby, how will I ever explain that daddy didn't even stick around to get to know him.

He said tonight that he resents me for the third baby who wasn't planned. I never tricked him, I had been breastfeeding and a month after I stopped we conceived. He said I should have been more responsible, shouldn't we both have? We always said we would have three children, so I didn't think it was a massive problem. How wrong I was.

I'm so confused as this is not the behaviour of the man he has always appeared to be.

How will I ever begin to rebuild my life with such a demanding life with the children. I wouldn't swap them for anything. I feel sorry for him that he won't be part of their everyday life, and I know that it's them that will get me through it. But one adult and three children so young is a tough ask. I can't even take them out for the day by myself at this age as I don't have enough hands.

Who would take on me and three children. The thought of seven days a week and seven nights a week all by myself seems so much to handle.

Everything seems so bleak.

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful family who will support me, as will his family, but it's not the same.

How soon is too soon to make things official. I'm scared things will get difficult. Should I take legal advise now, or let the dust settle.

How can he walk out on his children, he was in tears as he did it, which makes me think that this is a permanent thing and not a blip as it was hard for him to do. I could never walk out on them.

My head is in a whirl, I need to focus on today and just get through that, but I can't switch off from the thouhts of the future.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

How could anyone walk out on a 3 week old baby? Sorry for what you're going through. Yes, I would take legal advice as soon as possible.
Did he give a reason apart from not being happy? Is there someone else involved?
Please just get all the support you can from family and friends. Don't think too much about the long term future right now.

polly - I'm so sorry you're going through this. How awful for you, especially with such young children and a new baby. Do you have someone with you now? You say you have a supportive family - make sure you lean on them for emotional and physical support now that you need it.

You're bound to be very confused at the moment and it is probably best not to think too far ahead. Don't worry about next week or next year, just get through tomorrow for now. You will cope and eventually you will 'live' too. Your children will get older and easier.

I've been a single mum to two DSs for almost two years now and it does get easier all the time. Things seem bleak now but they won't forever.

How are you today Polly?

Ivana is right - just get over the 'todays' for a while and come to terms with it all.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been sleeping around and was 'in love' with someone. I remember lying in bed night after night cuddling my tummy crying uncontrolably, wondering what on earth was going to happen and that I didn't want to have to do this on my own.

Finally when my ds was 2 months old, I left my exH and moved back up North to my family. I rekon it took me a year to really pick myself back up and get on with things, but then I only had one lo.

In the end, my feelings sorted themselved out and although the future still seemed bleak, it was copeable.

I think what I'm trying to say is, don't force your feelings or rush into legal advice, simply because, in my experience, if you wait till you're emotionally a bit more sorted with it all, the course of action will be obvious and you won't keep thinking 'what if'.

Also, then if in 6 months time he realises he's been a t*"t and begs forgiveness, you'll know your own mind one way or the other, and make the right decision that you can stick with.

Hang in there. Get all the support you can from everywhere. Take it day by day. Look at the dcs and remind yourself that you have them - he doesn't.

You poor thing I hope you're feeling ok today. Can you get your mum or a family friend to move in with you for a while?

You don't have to tell your 3 year old his daddy has left. I left it for a while before I gradually explained to my 3 n a half year old that her daddy now lived with Nana n Grampy and she just took it all in her stride. She hardly ever asks where he is and if she does happen to I just say 'he's probably at work or at nana and grampy's'. That's all they need to know. She's quite happy and relaxed with the situation.

What is more important is how you are and how you get along day to day.

And like WheresMy said you don't want to rush any legal decisions because frankly you aren't going to make the right ones at the moment.

As for your husband's behaviour, it is unfortunately a common trait with a lot of men (and women) that they get their head stuck up their backsides thinking about some sort of midlife crisis 'am I really happy' thing instead of putting the needs of their family first. Some people get frightened that their life has continued without their control over it and that they want to get off the rollercoaster for a while. I'm not making excuses for him, he is making a totally idiotic mistake that is putting you under extreme pressure and affecting innocent people like his kids and the wider family. But it seems that some people are just weaker and more selfish than others.

Best of luck and I hope you are getting plenty of family and friend support.

Thank you for your posts. It's amazing how much it helps.

I didn't get too much sleep last night so am feeling drained and less sure of my self this morning. I was feeling quite strong last night, but I guess thats the way it'll go for a while. The future keeps dawning on me in waves and I just don't want it to be my future.

I completely know that one day I'll be happy again, these things happen and we learn and grow and move on. I guess I just have to be patient till I feel actually want to move on.

I just hate what he's done to all of us, especially his children. My son was asking for him first thing this morning as daddy normally gets him up and gives him breakfast. I tried just to say he'd gone away for a while, but the questions just kept coming, so I explained that daddy had gone away to live somewhere else for a bit but he's still his daddy and he'll see him lots and he's still daddy's favourite big boy. He seems ok, but every now and again he stops what he's doing and looks up and says I want my daddy. It's breaking my heart. I'm sure he'll be fine, I just wish he didn't have to go through this. How can my husband do this?

yes,how could he do this?? why do you think he did this.....what was his driving force last night? and where has he gone?

anyway.....as for your question 'who will want me with 3 children'?.....i ended up with a boyfriend when i left my ex with our 4 dc,i was in a homeless hostel when i met him!! and 5 years on still together and have a ds of our own!! real men are not phased by other children!!

but dont worry about that yet....concentrate on you and the dc

whats going to happen about finances?

where has he gone?
when is he planning to visit the 3 year old (who clearly needs him most - or needs to know that will have regular contact - doesnt matter if not so often but he needs to know "daddy will see you on saturdays" .

as they said - concentrate on getting thru the day and getting whatever help you can eg surestart volunteers? speak to health visitor.
is the 3 yr old at nursery?

leave him with his feelings - is his problem. he doesnt realise what he is losing...

but - you need urgently to ask him eg by email -

1. when is he going to see the children - best to set up regular times eg every saturday to see the two older ones (dont worry about baby for now! - i wouldnt want toand over my new baby to soeone who is so ambivalent) - so you can show 3 yr old on a calendar. if he knows will see him regularly then the rest will fall into place

i want daddy - you will see him on saturday look only five sleeps to go etc.

and explanations dont need to be complicated.

1. what about finances and where you and children going to live?

Hope things are going ok for you today. Keep your chin up and make sure someone is giving you plenty of rest helping with the kids etc.