Feel like I'm in the wrong no matter what I do

[Janos]

It's another whingy thread from me I'm afraid...just need to vent and rant a bit.

At the moment I'm in the middle of mediation, sorting out access with XP. For once he is actually being OK, not acting like awful bullying control freak (prob cause there's someone else in the room) and we seem to be actually getting somewhere, Hooray!

However, I now have pressure - mainly from my mum but also the manager of DS nursery about access. They both have strong opinions
about what is best for DS and regularly tell me I am too reasonable, too soft etc and to be honest it is really getting to me. I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I'm being treated like I'm capable of deciding what is best for DS and need them to tell me what's what. I'm 35 FFS!

I must add that both were a tremedous support when I was going through a very stressful period - court case etc so I feel they do care and so coming from that POV I do takle their opinions seriously and give them a lot of weight.

Mainly much of this I feel is centred around the fact they do not like XP. With bloody good reason might I add, however, bottom line for me which overrides all else - he is DS Dad, DS loves him and enjoys spending time with him. He likes being there and is looked after.

If I reduce time DS spends with him DS is the one who gets hurts most. Am I doing the right thing being flexible over access?

I suppose the main issue is I feel 'got at' and as if I'm not a good enough mum so have to be 'told' what to do. Am I being oversensitive? Am I being too reasonable?

I really should check messages before I post. Third paragraph should read 'think I'm incapable'.

Rule #1 of being a lone parent. The buck stops with you.

Whilst others mean well, its you at the end of the day who has the responsibility and therefore only you should decide.

If you hand on heart think you are being reasonable, that access is whats best for DS and you are not being manipulated or bullied by ex then thats all that matters.

Other well meaning people should be thanked for their opinion and told that you will take what they say under advice but ultimately its going to be a compromise between you & ex.

Thanks Niceguy. That is my gut feeling..that the buck stops with me and I have to be the one who makes the decisions here.

I think in particular they are concerned that he is bullying me. He certainly has done so in the past and behaved very badly and been shown not to put DS' interests first.

However. My feeling is that despite out mnay differences, DS is happy seeing his Dad and enjoys his time there (Dad currently has him 2 nights a week, at the weekend). If I felt DS was unhappy or being treated badly then that would be altogether different - but he isn't. He seems happy, confident and full of beans.

I think he gets spoilt a bit over there and I am not happy with someo of the things XP does but then imperfect parenting is not the worst thing is it?

Janos I really understand!
Everyone thinks I am too soft/too enabling on XH with access, such that it makes me mad as well, and makes me feel bad about myself (XH did that for long enough dont need my family/friends doing it)!
I do it for the same reason you do, for my girls, they love him, they enjoy being with him, he looks after them (after a fashion but ok) and they get spoilt, there happy and it can never be said I stopped them seeing their dad!
I know absolutely that if I was awkward or stuck strictly the the "arrangements", he just wouldnt bother, I just cannot do that to them no matter how hard it is for me Or no matter what anyone else thinks either!!
Sympathies

janos,

i think what your doing takes a tremendous amount of effort and you are doing for your ds.

if you feel ds benefits from it.

then do what is right there.

no matter what your relatives suggest re bullying... end of the day... ds happiness is key. if its not a hassle to you and you can cope with it then might aswell agree to it

Thank you macdoodle! It's a relief that someone else 'gets it'.

My mum is one of these people who thinks you can manage men if you are a strong enough character...she is generally lovely and very supportive but I get fed up with hearing stuff like that.

Thanks to you as well Juice..x posts there!

You know I just haven't the energy to keep up the level of anger f&f have for XP, although I completely understand why they feel that way - you should hear what my BF says! However thats by the by.

I don't like XP as a person, it would be easier on me (not DS!!)for sure if he wasn't there but I do have to deal with him and co-parent so I don't see the benefit in being permanently angry and on the offensive. It's too wearing.

I know it is hard, but things got easier for me with ex when I let the anger go.

I've gone beyond feeling angry with XP pithyslicker..I realised long ago that was a waste of energy. It's just everyone else sticking in their (well meaning) two pennorth that's aggravating me at the moment.

janos knowing what i do about your ex i also feel that you are a v reasonable woman and that sadly he abuses you for it
however,i know exactly where you're coming from and your approach is the right one for ds

I when I read your post asbm. Yes he does behave badly to me and I think people's reaction is because they really don't like him. Which is entirely understandable! But what hurts I think is the implication I am not acting in DS' best interests.

Hi Janos

Its pretty obvious I think from your posts that you have reached that point where anger has been replaced with indifference. Its much easier to make objective decisions at this point rather than when anger clouds your judgement.

So your actions now are with your DS's best interests at heart.

You are the one who the buck stops with, you are the one who has to live with any consequences of the decisions you make. Tell the others you've considered it and have made up your mind.

Janos, I sympathize. When I told my father about the access arrangements I'd just negotiated with my ex, he told me I was like Chamberlain appeasing Hitler. Cue lots of self-questioning and anxiety on my part.

It's hard when you've always tried to be reasonable and an ex has a history of taking advantage of that. But does it help anyone to start being unreasonable?

For myself, I'm going to keep focusing on my dd, keep trying to act with integrity, and keep monitoring the situation.

Weirdly, I've never been properly angry with my ex, and I almost feel like it's a stage I should go through. Mostly I feel pretty neutral about him. He is what he is.

Bloody hell NicknameTaken, bet that made you feel great!

Niceguy, you are spot on. Indifference is my main emotion towards XP at this point. As long as he treats DS well and DS is happy that is all I care about really.

Everything said on here has pretty much clarified how to approach all this and you;ve been really helpful. Thank you.

That should say, you've all been really helpful!

Janos, I was there a few weeks ago. Then exh took the decission out of my hands and cut his contact days down. I was heartbroken for DS.

But, I have been very surprised that DS seems much more settled since he is with me most of the time. I had parents evening today and was also surprised to hear the teacher saying that he looks happier and more settled since the visits were cut short.

And in this time, I have also had other mums, from school, saying that DS didn't look well when he was returned to school by his dad. That he looked very withdrawn, and distant. I was also told by another teacher that every time his dad dropped him at school, after a night at his, DS was upset, feigning to be ill and demanding the teacher to ring me.

So, do as you consider correct, don't let anyone take the decisions for you, BUT keep your eyes open and your ears attentive in case people are trying to tell you that something is not exactly ok with the current level of contact.

God, Mongolia, your poor DS. Glad things are better now.

Janos, to be fair, my father did later say that DD seemed to be benefiting from contact with her father. He didn't exactly apologize, but he came close.

That's a very thoughtful post Mongolia and I very much agree with your POV.

However, DS comes back without showing any signs of distress. believe me, he used to get in a terrible state - screaming, awful awful tantrums - now he is fine.

I do pay a lot of notice to what the nursery say as they know him very well and I always ask if there are issues. DS is very boisterous and outgoing and can be a bit naughty but not more than any 5 year old I think. His behaviour is a bit more 'full on' after he gets back from Dads but hand on heart he doesn't seem distressed or sad.

There is a new baby on the scene and there have been some mild tantrums and wetting but nothing more severe. He talks a lot about his little brother, in a positive way..lots of games about being a baby animal and having a baby brother who he loves (he's mad on tigers so usually a tiger)!