how to discuss divorce with DD age 7

[helenlucyp]

Hi, advice please, am heading for divorce and have DD1 who is coping amazingly well with her dad leaving us. She is 7 and mature for her age but am aware 7 is still only little girl. Want to make sure I get this right. DD2 is only 2 and less of an issue trying to explain stuff to her at the moment. XH is eejit IMHO but am keen to make sure we stay on good terms and get the co-parenting right. Am a bit rambly and not sure what to do

Hi helenlucyp, I just wanted to say you are brilliant because you are 'planning' what to say.
I unfortunately blurted it out to my 9 yr old ds just after I walked out on exh.

He was shocked of course, and cried, and the way kids do, was watching Simpsons and playing 20 mins later.

In the days after this, and weeks, months, I have found it just better to make it clear they can ask you ANYTHING. You can answer simply but honestly - this has worked for us.

My 3 year old dd is fairly oblivious.

Just keep talking and don't push her if she just wants to quiet or cry. Plenty hugs. x

i rushed that and have missed bits, but hope you understand what I meant to say x

Hi. My dd was 8 when we split & has been fine, I told her in quite a low-key way - think I said that daddy & I just don't get on very well so we'll live in separate houses & she will see lots of us both etc.
She did seem to appreciate knowing what was going on, & tho she's been sad missing us at times at least knows she can trust us & we all love her etc etc...

Hope that is some use.

thanks all, nice to know you are there and have gone through similar. I have been honest with her about him leaving (he left start of Nov) and refrained from slagging him off etc but I am now facing the prospect that separation will turn into divorce (TBH I am ok with this) and realise this may need more of a specific chat with her... or not? Could it be better to just quietly let it happen and only repsond if she asks specifically?

and thanks Jane for the vote of confidence! Am a control freak and the leaving came out of the blue so ever since have been planning planning planning to try not to get completely derailed.

Hi Helenlucyp, I agree its great that you are giving this some thought. Its a really really tough one. I pondered it for a while when DP and I had a split hen DS was tiny- I wondered how I would explain it. We patched things up so I never actually got there.

My parents divorced when I was 4. I'm not sure how they explained it at the time but I can remember some of the things they said in later years which helped clarify things:

Mum told me that she and dad didn't love each other anymore, but they both loved me more than anything. She explained that a parents love for each other can end but their love for children never does.

She deflected any questions from me as to who had done what and whos 'fault it was'. However, I knew it was OK to ask whatever I needed to. My parents never said a bad word about each other to my face (which given that I now know Dad ran had an affair with Mums BF must have been hard). I have masses of respect for that- it allowed me to have a guilt-free relationship with my Dad and realise for myself that he is far from perfect!!

You could try to make sure any anxieties she has are spoken about by gently asking her if she has any worries about it.

How would you feel about telling her together? Or maybe arranging for her to see or speak to EXH after you have told her.

I hope it goes well.

wheres, thanks that's v helpful and chimes with my instincts which is always good!

I would prefer it if we talked to her together, and will suggst this to XH. Part of my prob is that I am really angry with him for how he has behaved, running out on his responsibilities. He is not the one who has to deal with sad little girl who misses her daddy and can't understand why he doesn't turn up every weekend like he said he would (suddenly all sorts of excuses about stuff he has to do.....). I have given her cuddles and carte blanche to ask me anything at all and I have been totally honest with her (minus unnecessary adult details) which was hard at first but much better in the long run. He is coward and I can't see him having the cojones to discuss this stuff with her but I can ask at least.....

would you believe he told me one of the reasons he left was because he felt I was insufficiently interested (sic) in the children and him and that him leaving would force me to take an interest. That he could think this of me after 15 yrs speaks volumes about why we may be better off apart. argghhh, sorry, bit of a rant

You must be very angry- what a hurtful and confusing thing to say. Its obvious how committed you are to doing the best for your DCs in the face of some very questionable behaviour from their father.

I guess the objective is to tell DDIn the best way you can and if EXH is not as committed to that as you, or if it will be really tough on you to do it together, maybe its better to tackle it yourself.

If you think its time to have a talk with her, I think it might be an idea to make sure you have some support for yourself afterwards. Giving her the sugar coated version might be hard on you, given how angry you (quite rightly) are so it would be good to have someone to vent to.

yes, I think that is the thing. XH coming round friday eve to discuss future, very clear that he sees us permanently apart and TBH that's ok with me. I need to let the nonsense he comes out with just wash over me, no point letting it get to me, doesn't help me or the DCs.

This is where MN is good, venting to those who have been there, getting it out of my system and moving on. But have some great RL firends who I can discuss anything with and I think arranging for 1 or 2 to come round with a bottle of wine that eve is the way forward

maybe when the divorce is done we can be friends, for the DCs' sake if nothing else

and how cheesy is it, changing my MN ID to cheer myself up ??

When I told my 7 year old DD that her Dad and I were divorcing she went to her Garndparents house and refused to come home for 24 hours. Doesn't sound like much but at the time was the end of my world.

I didn't have the option of doing it together as X was away 'working' and threatening to tell her over the phone - but to be honest I think that approach can be a bit Hollywood and only works if completely genuinely on both parts (IYSWIM)

But I do think having some kind of arrangement organised beforehand so the kids know where they are is a good idea. So use Friday to get a proper arrangement thrashed out before discussing it with her - and make it clear he has to stick to it.

It was all a long time ago and I'm not sure I would say he is my friend, but we do talk about all the important issues concerning DD, attend parents evenings etc together, discuss parenting issues so we give a consistent message, and keep communicating no matter what. It's worth it and the best I could have hoped for.

DD, or course, thinks we are both 'sad'. Teenagers, eh?

Thanks Tanga, I do SWYM absolutely. I have to say I have been struggling to imagine how it would work in real life as there is a lot of tension between us and exposing DD1 to more of that strikes me as counter-productive. I think getting the arrangements really nailed down before telling DD1 more is spot on

I may well be posting on Friday night........

HLP hope things went ok on friday.....

Hi HLP, hope things are ok for you.
I told our kids with my ex. We both said we loved them very much but daddy was leaving as he didnt love mummy anymore. They took it really well. He was away an awful lot at the time and tbh I dont think they were nearly as bothered as I thought they would be. When I recently asked DS1 how he felt about living without dad at home he said it was absolutely fine, just a bit like when dad was on a long business trip!

On the friends front, however you start out, I think that as time goes on you will probably find you have little interest in being friends with your ex. It is difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who treats you badly

hey both of you, thanks so much for thinking of me

he bottled it... well TBH I didn't mind that much as wasn't how I would ideally spend my Friday night so we agreed to meet up f2f in the week in a neutral location which I think will be better.

elastamum, think you are so right about the friends thing - hard to be friends with someone you don't like for the reason you say. I guess I will have to see how things go with the divorce itself. He seems to think I owe him/should still be supporting him, as I have for the last 7 years of our marriage as I have been fulltime breadwinner. I want to do what is fair but am blowed if I will sub him (a fit healthy mid-30's adult with a degree and the same ability as any of us to earn a living...) when DDs are the main priority.

ANYway, maybe meeting on Weds so will let you know how it goes. Am not sleeping much with worry about it all but guess that is par for the course.

Ref telling DD1, am thinking actually the worst news for her was when I had to tell her he had moved out and then again when I had to tell her he was moving into another place.....As far as he is concerned he no longer lives here (have heard her say so very matter-of-factly to friends)so 'divorce' is pretty academic.... or am I being a coward ??

I don't think you are being a coward at all, far from it and I also think you are right that for DD, the technicalities of an actual divorce may seem like less of a big deal than the news that daddy is living elsewhere.

Your EXH's opinion that you should continue to support him seems very misguided to me. As I understand it you have taken on almost all responsibility for DCs, he chose to leave (whilst accusing you of being disinterested in your family). From the outside, he sounds v unreasonable and your instinct to put DCs first and let him stand on own two feet is spot on.

I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep soon.