Why?

[talie101]

Fed up with men being allowed to treat you like a piece of sh't, do exactly as they please and get away with it!

Start at the beginning - get married, he still leads 'single' life, out with mates, pursuing activities most weekends - while I'm home looking after the home, yes I still go out but not to the extent he does.

Decide to have a family (his suggestion after a big bust up about him spending so much time away from home - maybe I should have realised then!) - promises me he will stay home more, help out blah blah - does he hell as like so I'm home stressed out looking after the kids.

More arguments, treating me like sh't and it all comes out he's been cheating on me for most of the marriage. Kick him out! Now the real sh't begins - he turns verbally, sometimes physically and most definitely emotionally abusive (in front of the children!!) Hang on a minute - who cheated on who?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the OW and her kids paraded in front of me just to really turn the knife. Lots of smirks from both which I could really wipe off their faces but I rise above it when in their presence - to be a wreck behind closed doors!

Goes out of his way to do the exact opposite in the upbringing of the children just to spite me and cause unnecessary fights between them. Is this in the best interests of the children? NO!

Access? Forever changing to suit himself but threats of Court if I rearrange! and access to me that means HE spends quality time (what little he does see them) with them NOT his family!

Why do I have to put up with his sh't?

• is there a law to say that the OW shouldn't be rubbed in your face to make it easier for us sh't on people to get over the hurt - NO, still have to grin and bear it.

• is there a law to say he should be respectful and civil to the mother of his children (as long as she is the same back), especially in front of them - NO, he can say and do exactly as he pleases - even when harmful to the children - but not considered harmful enough to stop contact!

• is there a law to say he should be the carer of his children when he has been granted access by a Court - no, he can do exactly as he pleases by giving them to whomever he pleases!

I know there's some sh't women in this world too (I can think of at least one - the OW who not only split up MY family but took her own away from their father too!) but I think sh't men far outweigh them! THEY NEED TO F'ING GROW UP!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

yes,true....BUT....we have to take responsibility for letting them treat us this way.

This is going to sound really unhelpful but truly the best thing to do is move on and be happy.

The more you let him get to you, the more he will see it and enjoy it. We all have an inner desire to want to see the ex not do as well as ourselves. The same applies for him.

If he can make your life hell, see you are suffering, he can take solace from the fact the problem was you and not him.

Once you move on, being happy and not caring what he does, his control slips. He will react by trying to up his game but ultimately it will fail cos you dont care.

Unfortunately there's no way to tell you how to get to that place. Its different for everyone. But if you allow him to push your buttons then he'll just carry on.

i did this niceguy....disengaged completely....changed phone/email all of it.

stress free,much better...and i have a 'no order' too....no contact at all.

Yup, my ex was like this. Did anything she could to get a reaction out of me. Agreed to something then changed her mind. Pick holes in everything etc. etc. I was SO angry. I was bending my friends ears, moaning online to all & sundry.

In the end someone pointed out that what she wanted was the attention. The issue was irrelevent. The more I reacted, the more I fed that habit. So like you TBB, I disengaged. She tried everything. Even used her own kids (not mine thankfully) to emotionally blackmail me. Chased me down the street screaming abuse. Eventually after just being met with silence, she gave up. She still sends me the occasional message every few months in a feeble attempt to see what I am up to. But since I disengaged, life's been SWEET!

Thanks for the comments, I understand what you're saying and know it's true but believe me I've come a long way from the time he left till now (he had driven me to the point I wanted to end it all) and for the majority of the time I do hide the fact that he still gets to me after all this time. But what I find hard is his continual chipping away at me to bring me back down to those dark days that I never want to see again. I do not understand (if he was so happy with his life) why he continues to want to affect mine?! He chose the life he leads - I had no choice. All it does is affect all concerned and cause unnecessary stress and tension which I don't want.

I only 'care' about what he does when it affects the balance/stability of the children's lives that I have worked damned hard to re-build after the sh'tty abuse he put onto us for quite a few years and is in complete denial about, especially the affects it has on the children, but unfortunately he never sees.

I can't see that I will ever truly be free of that one black area of my life until such time the children are old enough to have access without me having to ever have anything to do with him or her again.

Or you never know I may be lucky enough to meet my knight in shining armour (a 6ft beefcake would be nice ) who one day out of the blue just opens the door with the children in his arms to hand them over to him - I know he'll feel some of the pain he puts onto me then and may give up his games! God, now I'm turning into a spiteful cow and that's the last thing I want to be!

you are enabling him...

he needs to collect/drop off in a neutral place,not your home,possibly by a third party..

why are you even communicating with him? is it text/email/msn/facebook??

seriously,you dont NEED to...'chipping away'at you? how exactly does he do this?

I tried a third party/different place etc when he was at his worse but felt it important for the children to have as normal a handover as possible and to hide the fact that my exh still affects me, to be a responsible parent here and show (pretend to) the children that things are ok?!! between me and their father - the verbal abuse (with the exception of being attacked via text sometimes) has stopped but the 'adult' signs are still there eg him choosing whether he will speak to me or not, me talking and him totally blanking me or talking through the children back to me, etc etc - I do think my eldest is picking up on some of this though but I continue to do my best.

I HAVE to communicate with him re access issues ie cancelling, rearranging, illnesses etc - apart from this I am capable of switching off from him and have no other contact.

'Chipping away at me' - (if I explain all we'd be here forever) but like having the OW pushed in my face - is it too much to ask for her to just not be around on drop off and pick ups? - I accept she's in his life now but what I don't see doesn't hurt me - yes, it does still hurt, but I hurt more that my 'family' has been hurt, not for the loss of him.

Like him messing around with access - I agree to all reasonable changes he makes because I feel it only right to have a certain amount of flexibility, as I would expect the same - but if things don't suit him I have to suffer solicitors letters and threats of Court on a regular basis - this is extremely stressful and draining.

He has a habit of being 'nice' to me (usually with an ulterior motive) and I'm too trusting and 'hope' for the day when he is being 'nice' genuinely for the sake of the interests of the children and for things to be better all round - just to be taken advantage of again and again.

Don't want to give too much away for fear of being identified and not too good at explaining what I mean.

I see what you mean in that i'm 'enabling him' but I don't see a choice when I'm trying my best to keep things good for the children. Maybe this is part of the problem because I have to pretend everything is ok and lock away everything that hurts me and that all builds up inside!

Call his bluff and go through the courts about visitation. They are there to make jerks like yours stick to a schedule and get off your back. They are there for you just as much as they are there for him.

Get yourself a solicitor and stop trying to be nice and flexible with this man. He is not playing along and never will as long as there's scope in your current agreement for him to make life miserable for you. Find out what other legal recourse you have about restricting his contact with you or presence in your home. I have an agreement that covers every conceivable visitation wrinkle that could possibly come up, except that the DCs hate visitation with exH -- however there's a provision for annual review.

He won't change whilst you are giving him opportunity to get under your skin. You can tell yourself its because you are doing whats right for the kids but deep down I think you are doing it because you are scared of him. He's bullying you and the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.

Yes you might get a bloody nose but in the longer run it will pay off.

Let him take you to court, see how far his threats get him. What exactly would he take you to court for? It will cost him a small fortune and unless you are regularly denying him contact, he is on a hiding to nothing. Its just a hollow threat cos he knows it makes you cave in.

I think you're right about me being 'scared' deep down and yes he is a bully but puts on a good front to everyone else. I come across as strong and probably arsey to people who don't know me and he is always outwardly an overly nice person, so people get totally the wrong impression (few have seen his temper and would never believe it unless seen first hand!)

As for Courts/solicitors - I think I fear that more than him and he holds that knowledge and power over me - it was such an horrendous and extremely expensive experience (even being entitled to legal aid!) and was the point where things turned VERY nasty between us (we had already amicably agreed access/monies but on listening to advice from his family/friends got himself a solicitor and it all went downhill from there!) - I don't want to EVER go back there. I have nothing, earn little and another costly session would destroy me financially and more importantly emotionally.

I just pray for the day I can break free properly................................

other people manage to break free.....so you've been to court already?

let him take you back,represent yourself if cost is an issue

you are doiing your kids no favours,your eldest is picking up on it.....has probably been doing so for a while. you are giving alot of excuses here....i did it with 4 kids.

noe i have no stress from the ex

he does NOT need to be able to text for re arrangements....take away that option and he will be forced to stick to YOUR schedule.

Breaking free will not happen with someone like this unless you do the breaking. It's so worth the short term stress.