Feeling trapped - splitting money.

[mpuddleduck]

H and I seperated a year ago and he moved out of our privately rented house.He has been lodging with family but is looking at buying a house. We are now discussing splitting our assets and it has been suggested a 50/50 split plus child maintenance from him. (we have 4 children).
But I want to move house and can't see how I can purchase a house big enough for 4 children with the same amount of cash he has to purchase a house for himself only.
Even to rent would be a struggle as my current rent is very low compared to anything else I have seen advertised, Iam beginning to feel trapped.

I'm sure others will be along soon who can give better advice, but I'll bump this thread for you.

From what I've seen on these boards, the money usually follows the children. Who has suggested the 50/50 split - him?

Will the children be staying for him for access visits? If so, presumably he needs also to be able to accomodate the 4 children wherever he buys

Get some legal advice before agreeing to anything. If the children are to revise with you then a 50:50 split is not reasonable as it doesnt allow for you housing them. You will probably be massively worse off than your H, as you will end up keeping everyone and his maintenance wont cover your costs - it never does . After we split I worked out that with my earnings and mantenance we now have the same income and I keep 4 people on mine, his just covers him!

I am aiming for better than 50:50 as my H earns so much more than me, I work part-time, poorly paid, his salary is 6 figures. He has offered me just 50:50, I have obviously said no way. Let the lawyers sort it. I am.

He has had 3 of the children for 1 night in 10 months.There is a considerable distance between us now. He has only been to see them twice in that time, I have taken them to be near him twice, so that they could see him. This obviously cost me a lot more to travel with 4 children than it did for him to travel alone.
My solicitor says that a 50/50 split is normal. He has said he would be happy with a 50/50 split.
I don't have anyone to talk to and am feeling increasingly helpless and desperate, even wondering if I have done the right thing seperating from him.

Get a new solicitor that is a load of rubbish

At first glance it would seem 50-50 is not reasonable but much depends on the specifics such as length of marriage. I'd get a second opinion but the starting point is 50-50. you also need to think about the cost of fighting too. Ie is it worth it to fight if the best you can hope for is 60-40. What's that in real terms? If another 10% is 5k say, that soon is eaten up in legal fees.

If it wasn't for the children I would walk away with nothing and start again.We had been married a long time which adds to the insecurity of splitting up, even though I know it is the right thing to do.
I think I will ask the advice of another solicitor, If I was to stay where I am it would be easy, but it is complicated and I feel that moving would benefit the children and myself.
I am worried about the legal fees, because we have a wee bit of money from the house we sold before splitting up I'm not entitled to any kind of help with this.

The fact you have a lengthy marriage and presumably you are the one who didn't earn because you were bringing up the family etc actually goes in your favour in gaining more than 50/50.

He has an obligation to house your dc until they leave full time education in addition to maintenance for them.

Cargirl you are right - my solicitor also says length of marriage, 21 years for me and lack of career due to child care, which is what we both wanted, is paramount. Anyone should qualify for spousal maintenance and if you are dependent on him for this then you will also be entitled to a share of his pension and future earnings.

I've not heard spousal maintenance mentioned, is that relevant if I work part time?
And how do you find a good solicitor? I have never used one before and don't really know anyone who has that I could talk to. Just feel like things are going from bad to worse.

My understanding is that the norm nowadays is for clean break settlements rather than spousal maintenance.

Check with a good sol but as I understand it, spousal maintenance is usually for the realms of like the rich, not the riff raff like us.

Thank you, I will look in the yellow pages, I have been putting all this off, and had no idea they would all give different advice.

Oh god yes, put 10 sol's in a room and you'll get 10 different opinions. The only thing they will all have in common is that they will all cost a fortune!

Mutt, how long have you been divorced may I ask?

Sorry, just one more question, Iam guessing solicitors also charge different rates? My plan to stick a pin in the yellow pages might be slightly faulted here. How do I find a good one that isn't going to cost me a fortune, if thats possible?

My MIL got a 60/40 split and they had no children at all. she just didn't want the divorce and he did.
You should be asking for 70% at least and bear in mind they can go back to court to get maintenance reduced if he goes self employed or really does earn less.
a neighbour of mine was getting £700 a month in child support so accepted 60/40 split, the wanker has sold his business and gone back and got maintenance reduced to a fiver a month for 3 children.
He lives in a £700k house and drives a brand new beamer to court and they fell for it.

Mpuddle, get yourself into Wikivorce.com, there's an asset split calculator tool there that takes in consideration many different factors and gives you an estimate of what can you expect in terms of maintenance and % of assets.

There are a lot of things that could be considered when splitting, and although "clean breaks" are very popular now (I suspect because many couples have similar earning power and because most people look for a "cheap and quick" divorce which leave them in the dark of things they are entitled to), they are definitively NOT the best option if you are in a very disadvantaged position WRT your ex husband's.

But, as niceguy said, you have to consider what you are splitting, if the difference between getting 50% and 60-80% is less than 10-20,000 pounds, perhaps it is not even worth fighting.

BUT your spousal maintenance IS worth fighting, not because it is for you, but because it makes up for the meagre allocation you will get for the children. So get yourself the best solicitor you can pay, "The Which: Guide to Divorce", and fight for what belongs to you and more so, to your children.

It is not fair that so many men think that they can bless us with their children and then bog off paying a "symbolic" maintenance. Don't forget that if he has got to a good economical position in al these years you have been married, it is because also because you were supporting him and taking care of that family.