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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Have i got a cat-in-hell's chance of coping as a single mum of four??? :(

13 replies

ManyMonkeys · 16/02/2010 15:37

Been single for a while with 3 children, but after a horrific relationship with a very abusive man, i now have a 2 week old dd too, and im finding the prospect of being on my own with 4 really daunting and scary Is there anyone else on there own with 4??? Do you feel you cope ok? Am i worrying over nothing? I know i have no choice, and of course i LOVE my kids enormously, but it alot of pressure!!!

OP posts:

lilacclaire · 16/02/2010 15:45

My pal was a single mum to 6!
Think she managed better on her own tbh, but some of the kids were teenagers and able and willing to help with stuff.
How old are your children?

nickschick · 16/02/2010 15:51

I think you will cope - your a mum yo have no choice [smile but we are superhuman and we really dont know our capabilities until theyre tested.

course you can do it anything better than being emotionally abused and i bet your new babys gorgeous .

Theres help and support for you to get through.

cestlavielife · 16/02/2010 15:56

you will be fine...call in help - get everything you can from sure start/home start; eg regular volunteers; ask local college - offer your baby up for newborn training sessions etc (will get you extra pair of hands in the house etcetc) .

call in favours from friends family and be "good enough" with the housework...

Ivykaty44 · 16/02/2010 15:59

Yes - you will cope, and the more organised you are and the less you worry about the little things the more you will be ok.

Don't worry about the ironing - just fold everything and get your dc to put there own clothes away.

get the older dc to help the little dc as much as you can.

Let the dc know that you are all in this together and you will all help each other

you will be fine - honest

GypsyMoth · 16/02/2010 16:16

i have 5 and its overwhelming at times....no local family support,but i have a boyfriend. bloody hard work,but you can make your own choices as welk as mistakes.

i find the responsibility of bringing them up to be decent human beings harder than the day to day slog

mine are ages 15,13,11,7 and 2. they are all responsible for making their own beds and keeping roms tidy. they all have extra chores too....no excuses at all

the eldest does the ironing,the 11 year old ds is responsible for washing floors etc..they all pitch in,and they know that sloppy work/cutting corners etc results in them starting again

i'm strict about grounding/confiscating etc...i'm no pushover,which i know they recognise and i think are gratefull for. the eldest has friends who do nothing at all in chores...and i mean nothing (spoilt little madams)

i'm starting to get remarks now from other parents and teachers about how capable they are,so its working. and compliments are great,but its really because i run such a tight ship!

i also make sure they do sports and we go out like we would if their dad was around. we are no different.

mathanxiety · 20/02/2010 22:07

Another with 5 here, and again, no family support except I can feel their love daily.

The DCs all do a certain amount around the house and I think this is important for morale as well as just keeping up with it all. The sense of being all in it together is so new and positive for my DCs, because their father had a divide and conquer approach to them.

I'm pretty strict, no pushover again -- I hope reasonable too (in contrast to their father). Well, what I hope most of all is that it works and I don't end up doing everything. They are all picky eaters, so I just cook a rota of meals that they are all reasonably happy to eat. I guess I pick my battles.

I actually find it's much easier to be a single parent than having to negotiate everything with my ex around or pick up the pieces after his hissy fits and tantrums he was someone who needed to have the last word, was always 'right' about everything; he was a terrible parent as well as husband, and a lot of the time after he left I found myself dealing with the repercussions of his style of parenting, which was to shout at everyone from the couch and threaten and inflict harsh punishment he ruled through fear. They DCs kicked up and went a bit wild when he had gone, but once I reined them in and we talked about things that had been making them miserable everything improved.

I am more relaxed without him around, and confident too, without someone constantly criticising and second-guessing my decisions, and that makes a huge difference.

Tortoise · 20/02/2010 22:13

I have 4 and have been single for 4 yrs. I think i cope OK. Kids do help out with a few things which makes it a little easier.

I'm sure you will manage just fine.
lonelyness can get to me a bit but my brother has been staying with us the last few months which has been great.

No other family support nearby.

chubbasmum · 20/02/2010 22:23

i know i cant compare myself to you ive got only 2 (13, 2) but i can tell you life is much easier because you are more independent and raise the kids the way you feel is best without arguements and disagreements from anyone , how old are your older 3? as someone said they can help out around the house. Its gets better when you get used to it goodluck

CarGirl · 20/02/2010 22:25

YOu've just had a baby, it's not surprising your feeling a bit wobbly!!!

rosieposey · 20/02/2010 22:37

Congrats on your new baby. Of course you can do it! I know it may seem a bit daunting but you will be fine because like you said you have to be.

I was on my own for 6 years or so with my 3 dd's (they were 12,9 and 7) and i managed, i did a full time uni degree and found that we functioned much better as a family unit without all the crap and arguements that went with my abusive exH.

You are going to be great, dont think about it too much at the moment just concentrate on your DC's and being kind to yourself - good luck with your much happier future

emmygreen · 27/02/2010 12:32

Yes, in some ways it's easier not having an unreasonable partner around to trip you up. You can cope better in that regard. But as for society and it's failure to address the needs of parents and children. Don't expect much there without really standing your ground and demanding your rights.
I've noticed, (and I don't mean this in a judgmental way) but British people don't stand up for themselves much, but accept situations which is too bad cause you get really taken advantage of. Learn to complain a bit, when it's justified!
Join groups and get on board campaigns that are working hard to get a better deal for people.
Start local, neighbourhood groups where people do things for each other not involving money, but a barter and trade scheme. You watch my kids, I'll watch yours or teach them an instrument, whatever.

It takes a community to raise children and this is something that we've all forgotten.

Scorps · 27/02/2010 18:04

I'm a single Parent of four, my youngest is 8 weeks. I cope with them fine - their dad sees them alot, my family and friends help. Yes I feel lonely sometimes.

Ask away if you want to know anything

manda1982 · 27/02/2010 21:55

yes you will you just get on with it and from experience i find my life 100 times easier without an abusive ex. havi9ng him out the picture makes my 2 kids 1 disabled a doddle. my friend has 5 but was on her own for a long time with 4 boys 18 months apart and the youngest newborn. she was strikt as hell but she coped im sure you will too. sometimes you worry about things so much you build them up to be more of a problem than they really are.

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