access arrangements for baby

[Curtail]

Hello Everyone
I am looking for a little advice regarding access arrangements.
I split with my partner when I was 5 months pregnant. Since my son was born my ex has been very keen to spend time with him and bond. My son turned 1 last week. Up until this week my ex has been seeing the baby 2x during the week at my house 5.30pm-7pm (as he chose to live quite a distance away from us) and taking him out for 4.5 hours every Sunday. He is moving closer to me next week, into his girlfriend and her son's house, so we have agreed he will have my son 4.15pm-6.30pm on the two evenings through the week and Sunday will remain the same.
He is now wanting to have my son overnight- which I don't feel comfortable with to be honest. I feel like my baby is too young.. on the few occasions when he has stayed at Grandma's over night, I have put him to bed (which obviously I wouldn't be able to do if he stayed at his Dad's). Also he is still BF morning and bedtime- though I am thinking about weaning him off this.

Basically, do you think I should let him take baby overnight? What is the "norm" for amount of access for a Father to see a child in this situation?

I'm finding the situation really hard (agreeing access arranegment) though I have generally let him do what he wants in terms of access apart from the nightnight thing.

Thanks in advance!

There's no set rule really for a "norm". Ultimately I think you need to take a step back, look at the situation as if you are neutral in the matter and not let your overwhelming desire to nurture and protect your baby to take over.

I'd be asking the following:

1. Is there any valid reason other than the fear of "what if's...." that ex should not have son overnight?

2. Can I trust ex to keep him warm, safe and fed?

Don't let little things like "Oh he might cry for me" deter you or something even more stupid like "Oh he'll wake up confused". Kids cry, fact of life. At his age he will get over it.

Overnight can be built up over time, it doesn't have to be big bang.

Its a good thing that your ex wants to be involved and if he's a reasonable person there's absolutely no reason why DS cannot stay. After all, I was left with my son at 1 years old and managed fine.

I think it's acceptable for you to ask for a little time for your DS to get used to your dad and his GF living together and also to him getting used to being around her son (I am guessing, right now, this doesn't happen so much)

Maybe a few months.

I also think it would be acceptable for you to ask / expect your DS's Dad to be alone for the first (and perhaps second) visit - so that your DS can have some quality time at his dad's home (though this obviously depends on how well he bonds with GF and her son)

Finally, I think it would be acceptable for you to ask to meet the GF (she can arrive with your Ex and her son, you can arrive and leave with your son)...

In fact, i think if you can meet like this a few times, it will do alot to settle your child.

And, hopefully, it will give your ex space for him to readjust to his new life too.

Good luck!!

Hi

I can totally understand where you are coming from Curtail. DD is now just 2 and has not yet stayed over with her dad. Whilst you are obviously entitled to not feel comfortable about the possibility of him staying over at dad and new girlfriend's, it's probably best to ask why (I get the "what ifs") and what is best for your child.

For example, the fact he is still being BF is quite a compelling reason for him not to stay over! Other reasons- do you know the people/pets etc he will be in contact with there, is the house child proofed, does dad have appropriate knowledge/skills (bearing in mind you presumably have done virtually all of the rearing),

My ex has never asked to have DD overnight. He asked to take her abroad on holiday for a week about a year ago, and I said no way as she has not stayed with him here for 1 night which must be the starting point.

We have similar arrangements, ie dad sees 2 eves a week and most of day on sat. I think it works - he gets benefit of seeing quite a bit of DD and doesnt have to do early mornings, night terrors, sacrificing his social life.

Not sure if that helps. A one year old is still a baby ... I feel a lot less anxious now about the "what ifs" than I was a year ago, and I think a lot of that is because DD is no longer a baby and I feel ex is better with her now she is bigger.

My DS is sixteen months and does not stay overnight with his dad - like your DD he is always put to bed by me and when my mum etc has looked after him overnight has been a lot more difficult to settle.

"Don't let little things like "Oh he might cry for me" deter you or something even more stupid like "Oh he'll wake up confused". Kids cry, fact of life. At his age he will get over it."

• I disagree with this big time! I think that one is still very young, I am just starting to see more understanding in DS now he is a few months older and I still think he would find it hard - maybe I am being precious, but I'd rather protect him for a little longer than I need to than him be traumatised at a young age. FWIW I moved out from XP when he was 14 months old and he was unsettled at night for a long time because he was used to waiting for Daddy to come to bed as well - it has taken me about 2 months and lots of bf, lots of patience, to help him find bedtime more easy again. I know my ex would not have had that patience - obviously you know your ex and your DS so you can make the decision based on that.

niceguy Really
You don't undrstand that the op is not only thinking of her perspective but that of her ds too and indeed the whole dynamic.

If he wakes up confused and has bad memoires of his first stays with his dad then that will not be to anyones good.

You are doing the right thing thing to take at the pace you know your babty will take and it is great that he has two parents willing to look out for him and I hope your ex understands that and then explains to Niceguy.

With many parenting issues often there isn't any right or wrong, just people with different attitudes doing different things. This is even reflected in courts with judges and court advisory officers when some will award overnight contact with very young children and others won't.

It is important to be open minded, respect the other parents' views and learn to resolve differences constructively. In 20 years time it won't matter to your son whether he spent x or y number of hours with either parent, what will matter is how he feels towards both parents and the example he has learned from you both about adult relationships.

CAFCASS has a leaflet "Time For Children" to download in the publications section of their website which you might find helpful.

Mamas12 you took the words right out of my mouth re Niceguys comments.

My exH has just declared he wishes our ds to stay with him. Bearing in mind ds and I are in Sheffield, exH is in London, ds still sleeps in bed with me and will only go to bed for me (not even for Nana who we lived with from when he was 2months to 2 years old and therefore saw every day for 2 years), there are many issues we need to overcome.

Access / contact whatever it's called at the moment, has to be for the benefit of the child, and that benefit changes over time. Yes of course it's of benefit to spend time with the 'non-resident parent'. But as far as I can see, making a child spend a night in a strange room and house, with a different bedtime routine, no matter how often they see the person that's trying to settle them, is not beneficial to a child, especially one who cannot express that to do so is their wish (does that make sense?!).

I know you'll say holidays are different rooms / houses etc - agreed - but there will be a 'constant' - in our case, me putting him to bed.

I think you also need to explain your 'it's a Mummy thing' concerns to him too. The other weekend, my exH snapped at me when I suggested he put ds's shoes on from a different angle. I explained that I wasn't telling him he was doing it wrong, just trying to help, as I put his shoes on several times a day every day, and have found a good way of doing it. This he understood and then asked how I do something else later that day - a breakthrough.

I think I'd better shut up now.

Was ANY of that on-thread...?!

It is a tough decision, a real leap of faith. There are so many issues and concerns and different advice...

So just a few more thoughts. Firstly, and honestly, how involved do you want his Dad to be? A bit of a visitor, able to cope with a few hours here and there, but with an entirely separate lefr, as it is now? Or an actual parent, someone your DS can rely on and turn to whatever happens?

Clearly, bf raises difficulties. As you say, you won't be bf forever. So you need a plan. Even if you want to go on bf until DS starts school you could express. It wouldn't be impossible.

So back to square one. How much does the fact that ex has now moved in with someone else impact on DS? Will he mind? Is it logical that or beneficial to DS that Daddy is required to move out of his home in order to have the first and second visit 'alone' ? Well, probably not, and you certainly don't sound remotely like you are bothered by the fact that your ex has a new person in his life. All credit to you.

Does your child need protecting from his Daddy? Would he be horribly, irreparably traumatised by being put to bed by someone else? Will this change dramatically over time? Could you prepare him for this by allowing his Granma to put him to bed? If you were suddenly to need to go into hospital for an operation and you were going to have to be in for a few nights, how long would you put the operation off because your Ds's routine demanded that you, and only you, put him to bed?

It's all a question of priorities. If you were still together, DS would have had the benefit of overnight contact with his Daddy from the moment you came home from hospital. What is he gaining from not having that level of involvement with both his parents?

Sometimes younger children adapt better to contact than older children because they don't remember any difference. Also when parents are separated the relationship with the parent they live with can be very intense and the child grows up seeing itself as an extension of the main carer. The other parent acts as a bridge enabling the child to form another close attachment. Eventually the child moves into the rest of society and is capable of forming healthy friendships and relationships in adulthood.

Blimey - if I wasn't worried about the impact being a single Mum would have on my ds before, I certainly am now...thanks STIDW...!