seeing your abusive 'ex' in your child?

[GypsyMoth]

does anybody else experience this?

do your dc have the same traits?

i am beginning to realise one ,possibly two of my dc are starting to behave in a similiar way to how their dad did towards me.....they have had no contact with him for 4 years but i'm starting to feel uneasy...

left him 5 years ago,but beginning to think that that was the easy bit,the teenage years are now upon us,and its getting harder

hope i'm not alone...

no you're not alone sweetheart
i have wondered that from time to time and dd is only 4, i just have to try and concentrate on their positive qualities (iyswim) tho it is very hard sometimes

Not alone. The thing is, nobody stopped your ex from behaving like an overgrown toddler or self-centered teen or whatever age he was when his emotional development was halted. You have it in your power to promote the normal emotional development of your child.

Every child goes through patches when they are heavy going, selfish, inclined to be ratty, mouthy, inconsiderate, etc. It's not the end of the world. Every child has an open-ended future and most grow up just fine, give or take, because they are guided to maturity by sane, involved, and normal parents. Don't give up on a child or think the worst of them because they're going through a phase. Hang in there and try to guide and mould them, and get them to talk problems through with you.

would never give up on them,but its hard standing by,watching them behave as he did.

just hope it really is just a phase

he has a personality disorder

I think the jury is out on whether personality disorders are genetic or the result of environmental factors. But I don't think you can't go wrong with your DCs by trying your utmost and persisting in good parenting. I see a lot of my exH (NPD out the wazoo) in the DCs, but those traits they have exhibited have come and gone in phases, then come and gone again sometimes. I think I have have been diligent about stamping them out and calling them on it each time I have seen N traits rear their ugly heads beyond the age when such traits are considered a normal part of a child's personality development. There's always something new to deal with with DCs, it's often two steps forward and one step back.

My ex reached the emotional age of about 3, maybe 6 in some respects, as far as I could tell. My older DCs (one now in college) had more experience of living with their father in the house than the younger ones did, so they didn't exactly have a good role model to follow, but their behaviour seems to me to be within the bounds of normal most of the time, although they have their moments. Most of it I can ascribe to teenage pig-headedness.

thanks math....i find that reassuring.strangely the eldest,who saw the most of his horrific behaviour,is the one who is least like him.

its the one who he treated badly who is most like him.

his behaviour which i see repeated is the anger...violence (mild at the moment) same attitude....but i see his good qualities too,he did have some. what worries me greatly,isw he deals with any rejection,by attempting suicide. 15-16 attempts which i know of...

thats a huge,huge worry....but so far,dc dont know he's attempted this,at least i hope they dont.

I too have kept secret from the DCs their dad's mental health issues (including a suicide scare and some serious self-harming) because I think any talk of suicide is hugely upsetting and worrying to children, and also because I don't want them thinking this is the path they are predestined to travel.

I am also concerned that they would be inclined to latch onto the 'depression as an excuse for abuse' idea instead of recognising they didn't provoke that sort of bad treatment and didn't deserve it no matter what the cause, and they can't use that excuse for themselves if they treat people badly. I have talked to them about acceptable and bad behaviour towards partners as part of generally talking about growing up, so the examples of temper tantrums and promiscuity, etc., have come up. They have all seen exH in full flight, shouting and cursing, foaming at the mouth, and I felt really obligated to tell them that they are never to repeat such a performance themselves under any circumstances.

I intend to level with them, at least about depression, if they ever need psychiatric care themselves at any point, or if I think they are clinically depressed and could do with help. Until then, what they don't know won't hurt them, imo.

My ex expects everyone to fawn over him and interprets every other kind of response to him as rejection. Strangely enough well, not strange really he seems to fear and respect those who ignore him (reject him) and walks all over anyone who is prepared to give him an inch. So he fears oldest DD, who hasn't spoken to him since she was about 15, and also second DD, who has also kicked over the traces where he is concerned. DS has suffered a lot from his dad and seems to really loathe him sometimes but keeps a lid on it. He can see 18 and freedom just ahead, and maybe this is what keeps him from telling his dad where to get off.

My ex wasn't really abusive but has some less than desirable traits and sometimes I see the odd one in LO, but I think it's more LO's age - I like to think he will grow out of it, unlike his father!

I have this too. One DC is 18 and one 17. The 18 year old I have no worries about at all. The 17 year old is a different kettle of fish.

Before I left my ex-H 3 years ago DC2 treated me in the same way as my ex did. My ex has a PD and is I believe an N. As I have these PDs in my family too I have been worried sick about dc2. I do believe genetics has a part to play in PDs.

I have always pulled DC2 up on poor behaviour, disrespect and bad manners. I have tried to be consistent and give praise where it is due. I was constantly undermined and ridiculed when I was still with my ex for any kind of normal discipline with DC2. My ex idealised DC2 and devalued DC1.

My one fear was that DC2 would end up the same as my ex and his parents: nasty, selfish, rude and miserable .

After three years of hard work away from the influence of my ex, and a great deal of love, I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

If I can bring up normal, kind and happy DC with the background and genes both sides of their family donated, and the depression I have suffered all my life, then anyone can.

Just stick with it and love them. That's all you can do.

All really good advice so far - and I wanted to add this (I guess it's quite obvious - but for anyone reading) - it's really important never to say anything like "You are acting just like your father" or "You have got your Dad's temper" - XP always used to go on about how his mum said he had his Dad's temper and he almost seemed to wear it as a badge of pride at times, at others used it as an "excuse" for his behaviour. I think it's really sad that he felt labelled like that at such a young age

i feel like this about dd which im sure why we dont get on that well
she is not at all abusive but I do see other traits which really set me on edge like smirking, making inappropriate comments in front of others to embarrass me, general attitude of not caring about anything because someone else will always sort it out (e.g. who cares about work when you can live off the state in a council flat).
I try to install in her the good morals that me and dh have but sometimes I think some of these things I just cannot change

wow. I don't know where to start. I've been in to the school twice about my dc1 bullying. She's only 7 though. I still believe in nurture over nature. but she's not very emotional and doesn't understand other people's sensitivities. she's constantly chipping away at me to get more, more, more, of everything. Whatever boundary I set, she'll push at it. She talks to me as though I am her slave. I don't do what she asks, and I always tell her that it's unacceptable to talk to me like that. Hopefully it will sort itself out...

I never say 'your father talked to me like dirt too' though, or 'that is your father's bad temper'...

BB, gettingagrip on the npd thread thinks that npd is hereditary.... heaven forbid... it's my dd I think might be more likely to have it, and it's far rarer in women so touch wood it will all work out.

math, you're very wise..... seriously. My Dad is a big softie, not a bully at all, but he apparently contemplated suicide once when he was depressed. Even hearing about that years later really made me sad. It didn't unhinge me or distort the way I saw things. It just made me sad.. I was about 17 at the time I discovered that he'd been badly depressed.

Bertie, good advice there.

I compare notes about my teen DCs with other mothers -- as far as I can see they are not saddled with abusive Hs, and a huge amount of the same irritating and worrying behaviour that crops up seems to be bothering them too. It's hard to separate what's normal for a teen from what's imitation of an abusive ex sometimes, because in many ways the self-centered behaviour is so similar.

yes. like marrying a man who stays like a teenager forever. and that's unfair to teenagers for some of us!