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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Need some advice, am trying to stay "reasonable"!

16 replies

iwillmakeit · 09/02/2010 21:22

Hi all, Have posted before but not for a while. Just wondering if any of you can help. H left in august, I initiated mediation as he kept making excuses about money and didnt really want to go down the divorce mud slinging route (but am rapidly changing my mind!).

He sees the kids (6,4 18mths) for 6hrs a wkend, this time they told me about daddys friend! This thurs we have a meeting again, he reduced payments to me by £200 last time as he was struggling, but have snooped and know that he is planning a £2000 hol to cuba in june, now we have to give copies of accounts on thurs but am damn sure that wont appear!

Advice/strength needed on "new friend" situ and lying about money as I often feel like superman(mum) but he is my kriptonite and I just agree to anything whislt boiling gently inside!

I dont know just help me please!

OP posts:

chippychippybangbang · 09/02/2010 21:38

hi there, in a spookily similar situation (but with a 3 week long 5k holiday, ouch!) so will watch this with interest. It does make your blood boil, doesn't it? Especially as they don't even have the decency to consult us first...

Original poster

iwillmakeit · 09/02/2010 21:59

Hi! Aren't they odd, ex's!

Have realised why so many break ups go bad, one party always morphs into an arse!

I say morphs cause pretty sure he was ok 15yrs ago!

I will vent after thurs session and let you know how it went. Am off to write a list as will go blank otherwise!

OP posts:

chippychippybangbang · 09/02/2010 22:31

Please do as I have mine next week!!! I need any help with this one I can get..

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2010 13:51

Is it worth saying, in front of the mediator 'But I know you are going on an expensive holiday'? Or is he going to claim his new GF is paying?

MaggieTaSeFuar · 10/02/2010 13:54

tell him that if he doesn't keep the payments the same, you may have to move to a cheaper area such as orkney, or merfer tydfill.

Original poster

iwillmakeit · 10/02/2010 20:15

Dont think that will bother him tbh!
SBG - apparently she is just a friend!
Dont know what he'll say as doesnt know i know and has strung such an amazing web of lies its unbelievable, i just dont know this man

But i have written a list of things i want to say and will try and stick to it

OP posts:

chippychippybangbang · 10/02/2010 20:43

Feck, iwillmakeit, have we been married to the same man??

I was also planning to reveal about the holiday in mediation - especially after H bleated about having more quality contact with the dc's rather than regular contact - interesting as he's booked 4 of his 5 weeks leave to go away with OW already.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 00:21

I am not sure about this, but can what's said in mediation be referred to if things have to go to court? Because if one person is lying in mediation, then mediation isn't working and it's probably better to go to court.

Fruitysunshine · 11/02/2010 00:32

What if she is just a friend? And if she is not a friend how much of that is actually your business? I am not trying to be argumentative but if you have separated romantically then all that matters is that you learn to co-parent together.

Your ex has his own life now, if he has friends and introduces those to your children then surely that is acceptable? And if she is a romantic interest then introducing her slowly is probably a better way to go?

As for maintenance, I agree he should be paying but you are making assumptions about who is paying for what and who is who in this situation.

If you are going to build a successful parenting relationship then you need to improve on the open communication. "Snooping" around to find out information about him perhaps makes him more determined to keep his private life private.

FeelingOld · 11/02/2010 10:07

Fruity - Just because we find stuff out does not mean we are snooping!! My ds often comes home and innocently tells me things such as exh and Ow going on holiday, or exh getting a new car or exh has bought Ow a diamond ring!!

I have moved on and i dont care what him and Ow do but it does make me cross that he is doing all of this but has not paid me one penny of maintenance in 2 years.

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2010 10:13

go to the csa.....the maintenence and contact need to be kept separate. but generally,with men like these,its best to have csa collecting it. its too wasy for them to cut it back otherwise

a regular pattern of contact is in childrens best interests,and thats all that is important here....not what he thinks is best for him....its not about him,its the childrens rights to a relationship with their father,nothing more

do be prepared for him moving on by trying to infroduce new girlfriend to the children too

Mongolia · 11/02/2010 10:41

If he is lying at mediation forget it... to be honest, IME mediation with a liar is an absolute waste of time. Sometimes you need to "force" them to disclose what they have and even when ordered by court, they lie... they know they can easily get away with it as not even the judges are expected to read the file before the hearings.

Additionally, the mediator is not a judge, he or she doesn't need to be convinced about anything because her/his thoughts have no bearing in the situation, and agreements can only take place if the two of you agree. I used to think of the mediator as a totally uninformed person, who wanted to be neutral but who only was there to prevent arguments exploding. They don't give a veredict and nothing that is said in mediation can be used in court.

Take him to court if he is giving you less than you deserve, involve the CSA if he is paying less maintenance than he should. And if you have not separated the assets yet, be grateful that that new woman is there, as that may give you a way higher chance to keep the house.

Fruitysunshine · 11/02/2010 23:07

Feelingold - I used the term "snooping" as that is the term the OP used in her post. I was not inferring that ex-wives generally behave like this - I am an ex wife too so am not judging.

Original poster

iwillmakeit · 14/02/2010 20:18

Apologies to those who think im being unreasonable, but occasionally even my halo slips!

I think telling me he plans on intrducing our children to his new woman is just common curtersy to someone he was with for 15yrs and has left only 6mths ago.

I went through my points on the above at mediation where he was expected to respond and apolgise as none of my moans were unreasonable. He arrived sat early, took the car seats and used his own car so some of it was worthwhile!

Holidaywise he forced his own hand there as had conveniently forgotten to copy his ccard statement so i was able to helpfully produce this months....

That produced a little coughing fit!

And i disagree it is my business as it affects the children, hes off 4 2wks so thats maybe 3wkends he wont see them, but hes just a liar, claimed he wasnt sure if it was 1 or 2 wks, until i pointed out hed paid a deposit so must know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am angry, we had these kids together we should be parenting together, even if apart but he has got a new life and cut them off as well as me, and all his old friends from wayback. This is all new and too raw for me and him moving on so quickly REALLY hurts!

Good luck Chippy, hope you get through the mediation ok, keep me posted. (ps i managed to use my anger to stand up to him, so snooping was worthit in some ways!)

OP posts:

pinksmarties · 14/02/2010 21:38

iwillmakeit, you're not being in the least bit unreasonable, you're situation is very similar to mine and the hurt is unbearable.

You're ex is a twunt just like mine and you're morphed arse comment had me pmsl.

Thank fuck for wonderful, funny women x

Mongolia · 16/02/2010 15:44

"we had these kids together we should be parenting together"

That's the theory and what it should be, unfortunately, sometimes reality is quite different. We had a model co parenting style. Now we don't even talk to each other. It is a disgrace... unfortunately, I have seen that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't change that. And when it happens, you need to make the best of it...

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