Seperated. . .not sure if want divorce

[VickiEB]

I have been separated now for 1 yrs. Have two boys 9 and 4. I am in the family home and he has moved out. neither of us seeing anyone else although have both had a few dates over the last year, no one I really want to persue a relationship with. We have had a date together last week that went OK although too much alcohol meant that the usual bickering started towards the end of the night!! Have been getting along quite well as friends and he has the kids when I work away. I am happy to make an effort here and see if we can get things back on track but at the moment it seems to be me doing all the running. We separated as I was frustrated by being the bread winner but also the one that organised everything from childcare, holidays nights out etc. I still have to arrange all the access even now he doesnt seem to be pro active in any way at all! Advice needed, am I best off just moving on and getting on with things or trying to give it one last shot!! Confused and new to this site so any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Hi vickie, welcome to MN!

Have you tried any counselling with your ex? It sounds as if you have quite an amicable arrangement at the moment, but I'm not getting the feeling that you've still got any spark there, more that it's comforting and familiar. How would you feel if he dated someone else he did have feelings for?

Sounds like your husband is totally fixed in his ways, has never been proactive and is unlikely to change now. Separation hasn't made a difference and I doubt counselling would either. You can either carry on making all the running, trying to change him and getting annoyed that he stays the same (which seems to have been the story of your entire relationship) or you can cut your losses and start fresh.

I'd go with the latter.

Thanks guys for the advice, councelling hasnt been an option so far and Im not sure it would do any good, think the best thing is to walk away and at least then no longer disappointed!!

OK, so over to the minefield that is starting to date again! LOl!

Has your ex always been like that? ie. laid back? If so then it's a bit unfair to expect HIM to change, if he's always been that way.

After you answer that, I guess the question is, are you willing to put up with that? Or just move on?

My point is that leopards rarely change their spots. He won't change who he fundamentally is. If you dont like that, its time to move on. Trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole is no good for you and not fair on him. Give him the chance to meet someone suitable for him too. Don't waste your time or his.

Hi Niceguy2

Yes pretty much it was always me that had to arrange and organise everything which was one of the reasons we split. However we were getting on incredibly well again and seeing how things went could have been an option. I get frustrated though when it still seems to be me organising everything, especially him seeing the kids. He never calls to say can I have them on this day etc, as he worked rotating shifts we cannot organise set days. Access has basically me calling him to say "do you want to have them on these days" and its either a yes or a no. My eldest is also starting to notice this now, and has commented that he never calls them when he is not with them, yet if they stay at their dads then I always call to see how they are doing. Just an indication that he is always going to be liek this and that perhaps when we were together it was hidden??