Struggling with my ex - how much access? and when? advice please!

[sunshinegirl]

Hi all

I would really like some advice please & also to find out how other people in my situation arrange access for their ex with the children.

Here is my story in brief..i hope! I have been separated from kids dad for 3 years now, initially he had nowhere to live so saw the kids at my house while I went out, then when he moved in with his girlfriend they were with him for one night a week for about a year which then went up to 2 nights a week at the start of last year. He has been having them overnight one school night so collecting them from school & dropping them back the next morning then having them either Fri night/Sat day or Sat night/Sun day so far. We have always managed to make it an amicable relationship & I have never stood in the way of the kids seeing their Dad. I now would like to change it to every other weekend as I am fed up with constant negotiations from week to week & not knowing what night the kids are going so therefore not being able to plan anything ahead either with them or without. BUT he is point blank refusing to do it saying he is perfectly happy with the way things are & he feels that he needs proper time with them every weekend. I saw a solicitor a while back who as I remember said I am in my rights to set that arrangements but he is a bully & can be very intimidating to me (one of the reasons we separated).

As I said I am just trying to gauge from other MN'ers what your experiences are please & if I am being unreasonable in my reuest too him.

Would appreciate your comments greatly, thanks

not unreasonable to have a full weekend each and a mid week contact....its a standard agreement with most courts as a minimum contact

Would he consider every other weekend from Fri pick up school to Sun or Saturday to Monday drop off school?

It seems fair if you're asking for the time to be spread over two weeks instead of weekly, that the time he does have is longer. Still keeping the overnight in the week on the week he doesn't see them at the weekend perhaps?

That ways it means he's having the same amount of time, 2 days in 2 weeks. Also emphasise the basis that it means you will both get a weekend each to do what you want and make plans.

Every other weekend and a night in the week is the "norm" if possible. It's what is normally awarded at court or what is built up to.

But they would look at how things are now and if the kids are happy, maybe wouldn't be too keen on disrupting the weekly contact.

If he insists on keeping it to every weekend, can you say you want it a certain day every weekend, not chopping and changing all the time?

Why does it chop and change? Is it due to work commitments or just because he wants to? If it's work, there's little that can be done ... but if it's just because he says so ... then push for it and try not to let him intimidate you. If you can't come to an agreement, invite him to mediation and try and sort it out there.

What I have suggested to him is basically what you have said Choc, pick up from school on Fri & drop them at school Mon morning every other weekend whilst maintaining the overnight stay midweek every week, thus as you say keeping the same amount of nights just with a different structure.

It has chopped and changed so far depending on what night he & I agree on during the week depending on if we want to go out one night. It has been ok so far & yes the kids do seem happy with it but when there is a clash or some perceived injustice on his part he is a nightmare. I feel that if things were more structured we would all know where we stand & when (including the kids!)and also would be much better quality time spent together for everyone rather than rushing around for the one day they are at home at the weekend. I would rather not go to court if it can be avoided...

There are other issues here as well tho, he chops and changes how much he wants to pay maintenance for them (as we have a mutual agreement not a court or csa agreement, again we have managed to be civil so far) he has reduced what he originally paid by a third & is now saying he will adjust it again if he has to buy his own clothes for them to have at his house. I am thinking of approaching the csa but again when I have mentioned it he threatens me with legal action

hmm yes mediation might be the thing... do you know how I go about that?

Firstly let me say that what you want is not unreasonable. You want a fixed routine so you can plan ahead. However, he's had for the last three years a flexible arrangement where he effectively gets to cherry pick which days he has the kids. What you are offering is to lose that "flexibility" so unsurprisingly he is not agreeing.

What I would suggest before going all legal and opening up a can of worms is to highlight the benefits of the new routine to him.

Maintenance is an interesting one. I'd check out the CSA calculator to see what he SHOULD pay then compare that with what he does. My advice is if he is regular, I'd forsake a chunk of maintenance in favour of getting it regularly rather than piss him off and get nothing for months and him dodging the CSA.

If kids are not staying reguarly, why not send the kids with clothes? Is it a big issue?

Lastly, what does he think he would take you to court for if you go to the CSA?

Ah it wouldn't hurt the bloke to buy some clothes to leave at his as and when is needed. We only see DSD once a week for a few hours but have bought a few clothes just in case because Mum stopped sending her with any. We wouldn't reduce the private agreement because of it.

I do agree with Niceguy with regards to the maintenance though. Sometimes it's worth accepting a slightly lower amount for a regular private agreement without the hassle of the CSA. But it's not on him keep reducing it for no good reason. Do you know how much he earns? If you do approx, go onto the CSA website's calculator to see how much he should be paying and advise him to take a look and reconsider the amount he pays if it is drastically less.

Also, same as Niceguy, what is he going to do legally if you go to the CSA? Ask to see them more? Is that likely?

Thanks for your replies,

Yes Nice Guy I can see what you mean about him not being keen as he will lose that flexibility. I have tried to highlight the benefits but he just seems to see it as me doing it to suit me. I also would like for the kids sake to have a regular arrangement so they know where they are going & when rather than it being a surprise every week!

I do send them with clothes but they don't all come back. One day I left his house with 3 large carrier bags FULL! He has been saying for ages he will get some but hasn't. I just begrudge buying them clothes to not see them again. Also they come home stinking of cigarettes as they both smoke.

He did look at the CSA calculator with me briefly last year but I know he did not include a regular pension that he also gets as income (he's not ancient it's an army one ) Last time he reduced his payments I said I would go to the CSA & he said he would have to get legal advice as he simply could not afford to pay anymore. He has however managed to pay 2.5K for an operation to reverse his vasectomy....

I totally get where you are coming from with clothes. I had this initially with my ex too.

Each week they went with clothes and a bag of uniform then returned in uniform minus clothes. I tried umpteen times to explain to her that I needed clothes back (and no I didnt care who'd bought them), I just needed a set back. Ie. they go in top, pants, underwear & socks. I need same back.

Against all logic I was simply told that she had no clothes of mine. When I asked where the clothes I sent the kids in were then, she just repeated the same sentence like a brainwashed monkey!

Anyway, my partial solution to this was to send them in really cheap stuff like from George/Tesco Value clothes. Then after a while she had the audacity to ask if I could buy them some nicer clothes since she'd noticed the kids looking a bit scruffy!

Eventually one night when her sister was babysitting I blagged my way into her house and took bag a HUGE pile of my clothes and she went mad. Did the trick though as she did start giving me clothes back. She's better now so I dont sweat it if sometimes they return minus something. I just resented it EVERY week. Anyway, rant over!

As for his army pension, something in the back of my mind says that army pensions are not classed as income but I can't be 100% sure.

To be honest, the change in routine is more for you than him. He's happy with the routine which is why he doesn't particularly want to change. He gets all the benefits and very little downside. I think you need to decide how important this is to you. Is it worth forcing the issue and escalating it? Or is it one of those where you just grit your teeth?

Lastly never rely on maintenance from ex to pay for essentials. You can't rely on them to pay without fail for the next 10+ years and gives them control over you.

I have two sets nights a week when DS goes to sleep at his Dad's - wednesdays and saturdays. I sold this as being for DS as he is autistic so having set days of the week helps him, he likes things in routine and doesn't like change. However it also meant I wasn't being held at ex's whims and fancies chopping and changing things to mess me about.

Can you not do this? If you know you always have dcs either fri or sat night nights out can be arranged with this in mind, or babysitter can be arranged, etc.

It would also mean they see their dad twice a week every week rather than alternate weekends and mid week overnights - a bit more af a regular routine.

As for maintenance - I suppose it depends how much he was and is paying you, and if he pays regularly and can be relied upon for maintenance payments.

Could you stick with what you have but do alternating Fri/Sat? So you would know in advance which night it was.

Your arrangement is basically what we have although I do all school pick-ups and he picks the boys up from mine at about 5.15pm on one weeknight.
We then do alternate Fri evening (again around 5.15pm) to Sat evening / Sat evening to Sun evening.

We did do similar to you - but it was all round his diary and I got pissed off with it, so we switched to the above.

In lots of ways I would prefer every other weekend, but he doesn't want to lose the frequency of the contact, which is understandable but it is fairly flexible on both sides when occasion demands (ie him taking the boys to his parents and so wanting more of the weekend, or whatever).

I have suggested he has 1 weekend, I have 1 weekend and the other 2 weekends are fri/sat and sat/sun. He has reluctantly said ok to this, but at it was reluctant I haven't mentioned again.

You are not unreasonable, that's very much the norm, but as everyone has said he doesn't want to loose the flexibility of choosing indiscriminately when it suits him better.

It was the same with my ex, we had a fixed schedule yet he changed it so much I ended up loosing my job. Things became more rigid, which is not good, but dealing with all his requests was driving me crazy, more so because a good percentage of them were to allocate for his busy social life rather than his work commitments, at the detriment of my job.

So in a nutshell, some flexibility = GREAT
A lot of flexibility = enormous potential for disagreements.