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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Daughter refusing to see her Dad

19 replies

wirral · 05/02/2010 09:17

I've posted this problem before but am still no further on and could do with advice.

ExH has regular contact with daughter. About a year ago he let a female friend (and occasionally her young daughter) move into his house.She had just left her husband. Our daughter seemed to be ok with this.

At Christmas daughter came home from staying at her Dad's really upset as female friend had been there on Christmas Day (daughter considers this to be family time) and it is now apparent that female friend is new girlfriend.

Our daughter feels as though she is being left out. She says that girlfriend is always there and invited to everything that she and her Dad do. She says that she plays a lot with the girl who lives next door to her Dad in order to get away from girlfriend.

Initially I invited ex round to discuss this with daughter but he ended up shouting at me. He then ignored daughter for a few days. I asked him to phone her regularly to keep in contact but this ends up with them both having a huge row every night and isn't good for either of them.

I don't think that daughter should be allowed to cut her Dad out of her life (She's 10) but am really at a loss as to what to do. I've suggested that he just takes her out and not to his house but she says that she feels that the girlfriend has stopped her seeing her Dad.

I could do nothing and see what happens and am tempted to do that as I think Exh thinks I am encouraging daughter not to see him. I am not - far from it

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 05/02/2010 10:20

my daughter is nearly 10 - different issues, but some negativity from her. and him blaming me for -well -everything...

i belive that it is up to them both to sort it out...the onus should be on her dad to sit and discuss, not you instigating it nor you hosting the discussions..they should be meeting elsewhere over mcdonalds or seomthing...

but is difficult when he then blames you.

it is though an issue between daughter and dad - NOT involving you really, possibly involving the new girlfriend.

and as such i think all you can do is encourage both of them to discuss and talk between themselves - perhaps you can help by suggesting your daughter writes to her dad outlining the issues and offering solutions eg "when i come i want to have some time along with you when we would go to xxxx and do xxxxx " or some such.

FeelingOld · 05/02/2010 13:59

Wirral, I have had similar problem with dd at similar age with ex and his new wife. DD never got to spend anytime alone with her dad and if dd asked dad to do something with her new wife had to be involved or would sulk and then make dd life a misery.
DD kept saying she didnt want to go so i encouraged her to talk to her dad about it but apparantly its my fault she wants attention as i spoil her. I tried to get it across to exh that dd wasnt asking him to exclude wife completely but just put aside an hour or two to spend just with dd.
Well end result is that dd (now 14) has refused to have any contact with her dad for over 6 months now. He did try to spend time with dd but wife sulked so much he finally gave into wife for a quiet life. I have tried everything i can think of to resolve the situation but everytime i speak to exh about it he just blames me for spoiling her.

FeelingOld · 05/02/2010 14:01

Sorry that wasnt very helpful to you but just wanted you to know you not alone with this problem.

Original poster

wirral · 05/02/2010 17:21

Thanks both. To be honest I'm not so sure that daughter isn't just feeling jealous. Daughter will not even consider seeing Exh unless he asks girlfriend to move out.

Whilst I understand that he won't do that I do feel that he is making very little attempt to change our daughter's mind. Someone told me today that it isn't really my problem and that they both have to sort it out themselves. Perhaps this is the right approach to take but I do feel sorry for our daughter.It isn't pleasant.

It does help to know that I'm not on my own. Thanks

OP posts:

dittany · 05/02/2010 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chil1234 · 11/02/2010 16:30

Unless you have any suspicions that your ex's new partner has been harming your daughter... which it doesn't sound like... then I don't think you should give in to her wishes.

Your ex should be able to find time to spend with your daughter on his own but everyone needs to be quite consistent that the new girlfriend is part of the family and that isn't going to change. It's a 'not-negotiable'. Good luck

pithyslicker · 11/02/2010 18:55

I agree with Dittany and Chil1234

Niceguy2 · 11/02/2010 19:27

Agree with Chil1234. Your DD cannot hold her dad to ransom like that. Yes he was insensitive in not being up front but at the same time your DD needs to accept reality. And that is that dad has a new GF and she is part of his life like it or not.

What your ex needs to do is spend time reassuring that this new GF and her DD is not taking her place. That she is still loved.

All you can do in this instance is facilitate. Its really down to her dad to resolve. The buck stops with him here, not you. but you can help by making it clear to him what he needs to do and DD needs to be told she is 10 and her parents are still in charge.

Granard · 18/02/2010 14:31

It sounds like your exH never sat down with your DD & explained what was happening, that he was now going out with/living with this woman. That would have allowed her to ask questions and chat about it and allowed him the opportunity to reassure her that his new relationship would not impact negatively on their relationship. Unfortunately a lot of men are clueless when it comes to these situations and it is easier to blame the ex wife (shouting at you etc) than accept that he has responsibilities towards his DD and she deserves time on her own with him. If she had that time with him, she would be more accepting of his new girlfriend and see her as less of a threat to her relationship with her Dad. I have a similar situation with my DD (9) and got professional advice which was that children need a long time to adjust to new partners and it has to be done slowly and managed at a pace that the child is comfortable with. What is paramount however is that the child still gets one-on-one time with the absent parent without the new partner present. It is very easy for a child to blame the new partner, far easier to do that than accept that your Dad is doing something hurtful to you. It's simplistic for people to say that a child shouldn't dictate etc. but they do deserve proper consideration. One thing for you to look at is the anger your exH shows towards you. Is his behaviour motivated by residual anger towards you? I'm sure he knows how upsetting you find it to see your DD so upset. Is there an element of trying to goad you?

Tanga · 18/02/2010 15:47

It does sound simplistic to say a child shouldn't dictate, but in this situation the child is being allowed to make a decision that she simply isn't capable of making (and by that I mean at ten years old, not this child specifically). Being allowed that kind of power isn't healthy at that age, and I can't think of any other situation in which it would have been countenanced.

Adults need to make decisions and arrangements about contact, not primary school kids. Whilst ex clearly isn't helping himself, it is still his responsibility and parenting decisions. Chil1234 put it better than me, and I'm not saying children don't need time to get used to new partners or that they don't need consideration - but she surely isn't going to get that whilst blackmailing her Dad, is she?

detoxdiva · 18/02/2010 16:11

Wirral - do you have a new partner, or is this the first time that dd has had to face the reality of her parents forming new relationships? Don't underestimate how hard it is for a child to see their parents moving on and a new person 'joining' the family. Agree she can't hold dad to ransom like this - have the 3 of you tried sitting down together again since to discuss with her?

mathanxiety · 18/02/2010 16:28

Mt ex took youngest DD to the zoo one day and they 'bumped into daddy's friend'. I told him if he wanted to see the children it would not be some sort of silly double date (this was before we had the visitation schedule worked out). When we went through mediation to work out the schedule he was adamant that he wanted the gf to be free to come and go any time from his place even while the children were there, he felt he had a right to be surrounded by 'the people he loved' any time he felt like it. He also insisted on taking them to church at the same church he and the gf went to together and 'bumping into' her there. The mediator thought he was being unreasonable and mindless of the children's feelings. He was forbidden from introducing the gf and the children during visitation or holiday time for a year from the date of the divorce. The mediator essentially told him visitation was about the children, not about him. He wouldn't listen to this coming from me.

If and when the children and the gf are introduced he will need to be upfront and honest with them about the relationship. It's not fair to the children to have to get used to a new relationship without knowing exactly what is going on. This is not my job. He will have to do it himself. I hold out no hope that this will be handled in a way that puts the children first, tbh.

If I were you, I would ask the ex to go through family counselling or preferably mediation to air the issues. It just gets too personal if you try to go through it yourself. The mediator we went to took notes as we went along, and ex couldn't do his usual thing which was to deny what he had said or agreed to five minutes earlier. We made progress fast. And ex was rebuked for putting himself first -- "I want to be surrounded by the people I love" Puhleeeeese.

mathanxiety · 18/02/2010 16:29

I agree wholeheartedly with Granard's post.

Original poster

wirral · 19/02/2010 14:35

Wow - thanks. Some food for thought. To be honest I had just expected that daughter would have to just get on with things eventually. It is interesting that I may be right and he should have introduced girlfriend more slowly etc.

Yes I think ex has anger towards me. I am never really too sure why as he left me. and No I don't have a partner - work fulltime and far too busy to complicate my life to that extent.

I now have another problem - see other post in Lone Parents. Daughter finally agreed to see ex on Sat night but when I picked her up he had let her sleep in same bed with a 13year old boy.

Now daughter still doesn't want to go to her Dad's due to girlfriend and I don't want her to go as I am very worried about his parenting decisions

Will have a think about counselling.Is my daughter likely to be upset by attending?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 19/02/2010 21:03

NONONONONONONO No sleeping in the same bed with a 13 yo boy.

Counselling for a child would not be upsetting as child counselors work with play and art approaches a lot of the time; there's no sitting across from a desk or sitting on a couch, etc. If you ask around you should be able to find someone who has training specifically for children.

Counselling for you and your ex together, some sort of hashing out of parenting issues, should not involve her. She might be interviewed separately to see her general state and how she responds to adults, etc. but she should not be involved in any sessions.

mathanxiety · 20/02/2010 22:38

What's the other thread called?

Original poster

wirral · 21/02/2010 10:03

The other thread is called "Advice" and is in Lone Parents section. Thanks x

OP posts:

Tanga · 21/02/2010 18:18

You might just want to check out what happened with your ex - there could be an innocent explanation...it just seems a teeny bit convenient that she didn't want to go and when she finally does, suddenly there's a reason why she shouldn't, IYSWIM. Will check out the other thread, though.

Over40 · 27/02/2010 22:29

Agree that being completly honest with children regarding new relationships is REALLY important!!! My ex texted me to tell me he was marrying his girlfriend in 6 weeks time and could she be free for that week of the hols! My DD asked me "who is he marrying". She was 6yo and had NO idea that the girl was his girlfriend. In fact he even changed the girl's name so that if my DD mentioned her to me I wouldn't twig it was an ex girlfriend! She was quite troubled by the whole thing and I had to try and win her over as she was meant to be a bridesmaid.
I think she gets on well with her Stepmum now (thank god!) but he does have a habit of actually lying to her when she asks difficult questions - like is my stepmum having a baby. His answer? No of course not. Was she? YES!! He said later he was waiting for the "right time" to tell her. That was the right time you bl**dy fool!!!!!
Not sure if this helps anyone but does show that some adults aren't really very good at dealing with stuff they find difficult!!

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