How do I react to the ex seeing less and less of DD?

[HanBanan]

My ex and me split 6 months ago. Since then his 'maintanance' has been sporadic and largely based on how much his bar tab takes out of his wages.

We live in Spain and I don't have any legal welly to get him to pay more dosh and more frequently. I receive no benefits at all. I work but at the moment the season is quiet so my hours are part time. Hence I'm skint.

Since the split he has seen his daughter once a week for lunch, it used to be twice a week before december. She is 3 and 1/2. His parents are brilliant and have her when I'm working and offer to take her for an evening when I go to quiznite with the girls.

The ex has had a gf for about 4 months as far as I know and this weekend he is going to the UK for a weekend with her. He hasn't seen his daughter since sunday and now won't see her until next weekend, but hasn't bothered to tell me he's going away.

He never plans any time with her and he never phones her, even when she's ill. He didn't help me with xmas presents and even stopped paying for a month over xmas until mid Jan. Just when we really needed his help!

Not once has he asked me since the split how we are getting on.

I'm loosing sleep over this as I feel like he has got away with any parental responsibility and there is nothing I can do about it.

Anyone in a similar situation abroad or in the UK?

What do I do? Am I right to be getting so wound up with this situation? What is a good dad supposed to be like when he leaves the family home? I don't want to rock the boat and don't really want to spend any less time with my little one, I just wished he took more interest, not less. It's not her fault!

Ok thought of a solution, move back to the UK where all my family and friends are.

job done!

you cannot be responsible for your ex's behaviour. is up to him. if your daughter has great relationship with his parents then fantastic.

best she gets used to the idea that he will come and go occasioanlly as he pleases.

but she can rely on you and her grandparents.

and try to get a routine built in and certainly dont drop everything if he suddenly turns up expecting to see her. maybe have him see her at the granparents as she there often anyway.

Yeah it's great that they're so involved. I love them to bits for their support, and she loves them too. I'd hate to take her away from them but it looks more like I'm going to have to because of his lack of support (ie move to UK)

As for coming and going or turning up unexpected that will NEVER happen. Let me explain about his couple of hours a week with her.....

I go to work and leave her at her granparents. Where he is living rent-free. He then has her for a couple of hours when he eventually gets up or turns up, then he takes her to his local and she plays outside for a couple of hours with the other kids whilst he drinks beer and watches football. That's it. I guess you're right, it won't change.

And his (sometimes) weekly contribution is 20 euros which is all the help I get to bring up his DD singlehandedly. Fortunately I rent an apartment off my parents and needless to say they are bearing the brunt of my inability to meet the rent each month.

I just hate it that he's going to get away with it all and there's nothing I can do!!

Arrrgggh. Sorry, just it's been a nightmare 6 months! Apart from my lovely DD

Sorry, typo I mean he has her for a couple of hours including their trip to the pub. His dad usually comes and picks her up (her grandfather).

is he spanish? is quite a spanish thing to let the kids hang around outside the bar...

No he's a brit. Actually have calmed down a bit today. I'm one of the lucky ones I suppose, because lots of single parents don't have any input from dad/mum. Just had a bad day I guess and put on my 'woe is me' hat.

Snapped out of it today so onwards and upwards!

Are you married? you may be lucky to be in Spain. You are way more protected in terms of maintenance over there than in the UK. I don't think there is as much support for single mums as there is here but well, things are never perfect, are there?

Even if things look better it is worth it to have a clear agreement on when he sees his DD. THe more flexible you have it the more scope for misunderstandings. (Some flexibility is great, complete flexibility avoid).

Perhaps sitting with your ex to fill a parenting plan may help, you may download them from the internet but I don't know exactly from where... CAFCASS site perhaps?

I think you need to decide whether or not to stay in Spain.

Which will give you and your dd the best quality of life. Don't think he is ever going to pay maintenance.

You can always take her out to Spain for hols etc to see her grandparents. Can you discuss your options with them? Perhaps they will kick his ass into gear when they realise you may not be able to stay in Spain unless he pays up.

I had a chat with him and explained the difficulties I have staying in Spain without knowing how much / often he is going to see his daughter and also how much he is going to support us. I told him straight there is no reason for us to be here anymore other than his and his parents' regular contact.

So since then he has given me some more maintenance money which is great.

I think the parent plan is a great idea and will let us focus a discussion on what is best for our DD.

However I know that we will have to go back to the UK because I can't stay in this country without knowing for sure that I will get regular support. It's just how do I discuss this without him getting 'funny'. Legally I don't think I have a right to move to another country without his agreement....

Hey ho, things are looking better now tho. Let's see how long it lasts!!!!

Thanks for your help everyone - I really didn't know where to turn!

Are you married? If not is he on the birth certificate?

Not married but he's on the birth certificate