I need advice on leaving a partner

[adifferentname]

Obviously I've changed my name. I've been with my partner for about 17 years and before we had dd (now 8) things were really good. Since dd was 1, my partner changed, massively. He started smoking pot which was okay at first but over the last 7 years it's become such a dominant feature of his life that we've got into terrible debt, he's stoned all day from first thing in the morning to last thing at night - I reckon he's spending about £150 on it, but the debt also comes from the way it makes him behave irrespoisibly so he hasn't paid bills, has spent money on things we can't afford with no sense of the consequences. It's mad, he was such a skinflint in his pre-dope smoking days, he used to nag me about spending! But perhaps worst of all is the way his mood's changed. Or changes. He seems to veer between brooding rage, deep depression, harsh criticism and coldness and often he seems quite aggressive towards me. Dd is becoming affected by it and has developed some phobias and weird behaviour and is very clingy towards me.

So that's the background. We're living in London in a rented flat. I have no capital and I only work part time. I don't think dp would move out as I've spoken to him about it and he said he'd never leave. so that means that dd and I need to leave. I have family in two other cities but they don't have finances to help me, although I know they'd be supportive in any way they could.

How can I do this? I've been putting it off for ages as I'm so scared. But I think it has to end.

By the way, all conversations with dp end with him refusing to admit that there's any problem on his side and that all the issues come from me. For a while I've been taking this on board and trying to change everything I do but to be honest I now see that unless he gives up the cannabis there is no future for any of us. He can't think beyond smoking. I wonder too, lately, if he's been using something stronger although so far he denies it.

I'm not against light cannabis smoking by the way, I never was, but this is clearly a case where cannabis addiction does exist despite what they say!

any advice?

Well done, you've finally summoned up the courage to leave. It sounds like he has a very serious habit indeed and living with him must be intolerable. You've recognised that there's nothing more you can do and that it has to come from him. It's also quite likely that it's not just dope. Do you still love him? If you do, the only way things are ever going to get better is if you do actually leave and he realises he has to clean up his act.

How far away is your family? Can they put you up for a while until you can sort out housing etc? That's what I'd do, go and stay with my parents who are very supportive (but like you they don't have much, if any, spare cash). This is the best thing for you, and just as importantly your DD, who for all the life she remembers so far, has lived with a man who sounds like a monster. Good luck.

The first thing you need to do is visit the CAB and the local council for advice on housing and benefits. You can get an idea of what benefits you are entitled to by visiting www.entitledto.com. I was advised that in my local area there were no council properties available and the best thing to do would be to find a private landlord - but I was in the same position as you in that I had no money to give to a landlord upfront.

If the flat you live in at the moment is in your name only then the easiest thing to do would be to change the locks when he is out. If it is in joint names and you ask him to leave and he refuses, you can take him to court. I am assuming you are not married - in which case (as not a divorce case) I don't think you would qualify for legal aid, I am not sure. So the easiest thing would probably be to find somewhere else to live. If you look in local papers and on websites like sparerooms.co.uk and gumtree, you might find a landlord who is willing to accept housing benefit and does not want a deposit, or will accept a deposit paid in installments. Some local councils now offer deposit schemes to help people afford a rented property. You will need to find a landlord who accepts this. This is the part that takes forever unfortunately!

Another good place to call for advice is Women's Aid - they should especially be able to advise on your partner's cannabis addiction and whether this is a factor which would enable you to be pushed further up the housing list or even have a place in a refuge, if there is space available locally. They would also advise on whether or not you need to involve the police. The number is 0808 2000 247.

Good luck and well done for deciding to take action

Well done - deciding to leave is the hard part.

Check out the Shelter website for advice regarding your rights to the flat and finding somewhere else.

Fwiw, as you have a child you would be entitled to apply for an Occupation Order which would force him to leave.

Thank you both for the replies.

My family consists of my mum and my brother, both a good few hundred miles away. My mum would put up dd and I but she's in a tiny house, we'd have to share a single bed which wouldn't work for long. My brother has no space to put us up at all, so I'm accepting that what we do will largely have to be on our own.

I'm actually already living in a Housing Association flat and yes, it's in both of our names unfortunately. I've never confronted dp or been aggressive towards him and the though of changing the locks feels quite alien but perhaps it will come to that.

More confusing are my feelings about him. I love him very much actually but what I really love is who he used to be. It's impossible to love who he's become. But I do feel sorry for him frequently, he seems like he's not in control at all and I know he's depressed and angry. He's not a bad man at heart but he's got into this trap and, as you say, there's a hope that my leaving will shake him out of it. It is literally quite intolerable at the moment. I sleep in dd's bed with her as he smokes in our bedroom and I can't bear it. He also smokes fags in our bedroom which I find appalling as dd has severe asthma and sleeps next door. Again, not holier than thou, not against smoking but not in the room next to where your daughter sleeps!

My thoughts would be to move closer to where my mum lives which would be a big leap and I do worry about taking dd out of school for a long time as she's very shy. But I can't see any alternative.

ok, i am going to jump straight in here. just over 2 ears ago, i split up with my partner who had also become a major pothead. i will admit that it is partly my fault, because when we met, i was a light smoker, used to have a couple of joints at the weekend when my boys were asleep. he started smoking it occasionally like me, and over the course of nearly 4 years, his usage increased to the point of it being the first thing he did on getting up, and the last thing before going to bed. during this time, we had 2 dd's, and he even smoked it outside the hospital after i had them, whilst i was having a cigarette. the final straw came, when, after him becoming violent towards me over the course if 2 years, he attacked me first thing in the morning whilst i had our (then) 21 month dd2 in my arms.i called the police, had him removed, told him it was over, and have stuck to it. i am now a single mum of four, and much happier, i have more money now that he is not supplementing his jsa from my purse to buy his stuff. and i have not smoked weed for 18 months now, not even a little bit. it was easier because the house was in my name, but please, do end it with him, as it will only get worse.

Why dont you contact the HA's near to your mum and ask them about putting your name down and find out how long they would estimate it would take to get a place of your own.

You would get points for overcrowding but whether this would be enough varies in different areas.

The Shelter website mentioned earlier has a helpline number and they would be able to advise you with this as well.

Glad things worked out well for you Cherrymonster.

cherrymonster, thanks for sharing that. It wasn't your fault though that he ended up smoking so much. Personally I've never really smoked cannabis, I tried it a couple of times as a student and hated it. But I have smoked cigarettes on and off for years although not since I got pregnant. I do know how addictions can take you over though.

That's my fear, really, that it will get worse and worse. And, like you, I end up supplementing his income all the time. I keep saying I won't give him any money next time but then he makes me feel so guilty and I want a quiet life so I give in. But he's the major bread-winner, not me, it's ridiculous that he has to have money from me.

That's a good idea about contacting the HAs near where my mum lives. It's quite a small place so I guess it might be easier than in London which is a terrible place to try to get housing of any sort.

Dp blames me, by the way, for everything. He criticises me for sighing, for speaking 'in a false voice'. He accuses me of deliberately mispronouncing certain words to give them a sinister meaning. There is so much paranoia in the air in our flat that it's stifling. he believes that every action I take I am doing out of some ulterior motive aimed at destroying him. It's so hard. We used to love and support each other. I can't believe it's come to this.

Yes do contact the HA near your mum's place - as she lives there, you have a connection to the local area which means that they have a duty to house you or help you find housing if you are homeless - unfortunately, there is a grey area where you are at the moment in that you have a place to live, but whether or not it is "reasonable for you to continue living at your current address" is up to the housing officer's discretion. GP statements (about anxiety, depression, your DD's asthma, any behavioural problems, etc etc) can help with this.

I would be wary of moving in with your mum, unless you were planning to move in with her while you save for a deposit on a place of your own, as if you already have somewhere to live the local authority will be much less likely to help you out. The definitions of overcrowding (ie it being "reasonable for you to continue living at the address") are ridiculous and outdated and are not the same as the formula for working out how many bedrooms you are entitled to claim housing benefit for. However the likelihood is that if you go onto a council housing list you will be waiting a long time so it might be better to stay with your mum until you can save up - is there any possibility of setting up a camp bed or sofa bed?

goodluck adifferentname i think you have been given very good advice by Bertiebotts couldnt have put it better myself