Fantastic guy but he has a bain tumour and rotten teeth (don't laugh, it's serious)

[adamadamum]

Hi, I hope this doesn't sound as trivial as I think. Because it's not!

I've been doing online dating for almost a year now (still single - I am probably too fussy but that's a hard thing to change!). Anyway, around six months ago I contacted a guy on a site just because I wanted to give him my vote of confidence if you know what I mean. He is not exactly handsome, but he had an unusually genuine and warm looking smile, plus a lovely, intelligent and likeable profile. It was a friend thing, born out of a dating site. I made it clear that he's not my type, and we have been in contact ever since. We text, email, talk on the phone and chat on MSN, and he really has become a friend. I have told him things that I tell only a few friends, he has been a huge support to me when I was feeling so down I felt close to being suicidal a while back.

Well, finally we met in person a few days ago. He came to my neck of the woods to visit (he lives around 100 miles away!) We spent loads of time together (as friends)and it was absolutely fantastic! I am not sure if I have ever got on with any man as well before!

But although I have always made it clear we were meeting as friends, which he accepted (and he has been a gentleman) he has always been honest about finding me attractive.

I like this guy so, so much, and he has been such a massive support to me over the last few months, that I could even say maybe I love him - but in a platonic way! He spent time with us as a family (once again as friends as far as I'm concerned!)

There were times when I thought "could we make a go of things as a possible relationship?"...then I would remember something that to me is a huge turn off... he is good at hiding it, but he has almost no teeth. Only one visible in fact, at the front, and obviously half rotten away. He is the loveliest guy I have ever met, but I don't think I could kiss a man with a mouth like that!

He has a brain tumour (which he said is a cancerous one), diagnosed six years ago, for which he had lots of treatment) and I would hate to offend him about his teeth if it's a result of that - I just don't know.

This is all so difficult, because although it started as a friendship, I like him so, so much as a friend that if it wasn't for the dental thing, attraction could grow. But as it is, I just couldn't kiss him.

What would you do?

I would ask him about his teeth, but I'm used to doing that!

from what you say, it does not really sound as if you are attracted to him , single tooth or otherwise.

Thanks for your reply Jasper, you're probably right. But at the moment I'm feeling a bit confused as he is such an incredibly lovely man! apart from the teeth, or lack of! He isn't really my type I have to say, it's just that his personality, his friendship, is so lovely and knowing that he would be more than happy for it to become a relationship has maybe influenced me to an extent... but you are right. It's just that he's such a wonderful guy, so kind and caring, but I think I also I am influenced by my own loneliness. I think I should just keep things as friendship and hope that friendship continues to grow.

It's just a shame though - why can't men I actually fancy be more like him!

I would say if you dont fancy him (must admit could not go out with someone with bad teeth) then keep him as a very dear friend and be there for each other. Good luck

To me it is not even about the physical repulsiveness of a lone standing decayed front tooth, it is about what sort of person does not get that fixed? It is no different to having greasy smelly hair or black fingernails

But then, I am a dentist

I hope this question does not offend, but does he have a job?

have to agree that it's a shame that the spark isn't there for you as he does sound like a lovely bloke
but at least you've made a new friend

My Mum is always telling me it's not all about looks, but I'm not sure I could have a relationship with someone who only had one tooth.
He probably will want something more intimate, let's face it.
It must be very difficult for you as you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Tricky situation.

On a different note, I'm a bit scared of dating sites. Are they any good?

I think you should proably cut contact actually, it sounds like he is pinning his hopes on you and if he is having a rough time of it that isn't going to help.

If one person wants to be more than friends it invariably ends up messy.

I agree with itsmeolord. I think you both sound a bit vulnerable and I think to ease off gently would be the wisest thing, to avoid one or both of you getting hurt.

I too could not go out with anyone with manky teeth - is not just being shallow I don't think, but would be indicative of lack of care in other avenues of his life as well.

OK he is a nice man but don't feel that you have to be responsible for him.

Am heartless cow however so feel free to discard advice

My friend met a man with a huge bald head, rotten teeth and an efeminate voice, but she gave it a go...she got him to get his teeth done and they married, had two children etc. It could work adam. Look beyond his mouth if you can decent men are in short supply ime. Mind you, as jasper says ~ why would he leave his teeth to go like that? my friends man was because of his fear of the denist.

*effeminate

I once knew a bloke with teeth similar to that -- when we were at uni (he was a bit older).

He had a dental phobia apparently, and it stemmed from some sort of really bad trauma at a young age, can't recall the details as I only ever knew about it via gossip, but it made the whole thing very understandable. I think he may have been attacked or badly hurt as a child or something

Despite being normally rather picky about things like dental hygiene, I did once have a fleeting snog with him when slightly pissed. He was a nice, funny guy and quite attractive in other ways. I remember being vaguely surprised that the teeth thing wasn't unpleasant or even noticeable while snogging (though it wasn't a major in-depth snog). Anyway, that was it, it was only a passing moment.

Fast forward several years, I bumped into him in Tesco, and lo and behold he had conquered the phobia and had the teeth fixed and OMG, was he attractive it was extremely startling quite how sexy he looked he hadn't changed anything else, it was just that the teeth made such an enormous difference. (I was happily settled with DP by this time, however, so only a detatched observer )

So if you found him attractive in other ways I'd say, teeth can be dealt with. But I dunno, you wouldn't want to lead him on if the attraction isn't there to begin with.

WOuld you find him attractive if he had decent teeth?
I would be very put off by bad/no teeth but not if that was the main factor, as they can be fixed.

But agree that you wouldnt want to lead him on if you wouldnt fancy him even with Tom Cruise teeth...

That's a bit harsh Karma, what if it is connected to the treatment for his brain tumour? Would you still take it as a sign you can't trust him? I don't see the connection.

My sil was told, while having Radiotherapy for grade 3 breast cancer, that it can cause teeth to blacken and fall out, so I'd say it was down to that. Also there has to be a period of time afterwards before any dental restorative work can be done.

Wow, I haven't been on here for a few days, thanks for your replies! I don't think I would fancy him even if he had perfect teeth really. Shame, cause he is so, so lovely. But I am really young for my age, and really don't go for bald men, or men with a really big belly, and although lovely, he would still be bald with a big belly even if he did get his teeth fixed...

Before we even met in person, we chatted regularly either on the phone or online for around six months, and he has been really supportive when I've been down because of dating woes etc.

We got on so well as friends that he has talked of moving to my city (He was made redundant around two months ago, there is little work where he lives, he is apparantly looking for work there but also here...)

So no, he's not the kind of guy who constantly lives off benefits and doesn't want to work, though he is unemployed at the moment. I'm happy to have him as a friend living nearer, but I don't want him to move around here for me, if you know what I mean!

He also has asked if he can stay at my house whilst he gets himself sorted out with accommodation... A few days on my sofa would be fine but I can imagine it dragging on...

Think I'm gonna have to have a chat with him about all this!

I don't think you like him enough tbh, from what you have said.

I would be fine with the teeth (tooth?) as mine are also shot, though I do have more than one and the missing ones are mainly replaced with crowns... but the bald thing might put me off!!

We all have our foibles

he isn't for you, don't let him think he should move nearer because he almost certainly has sugegsted this to see your reaction.

Invent a new boyfriend or something. He needs to know.

oh dear!
think you need to let him down nicely

I think I might at least invent a date or two, to kind of "help" him to realise that we still are just friends, I am a coward!

If that doesn't work I will have to be more harsh I guess.

I wouldn't mind him moving nearer if it is just for work and knowing he has a good friend nearby (purely platonic though), but I don't want to have him thinking there's anything else there.

I am such a coward!