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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I give the dc the option of not going to their dads if they don't want to ?

23 replies

MrsMorgan · 30/01/2010 14:17

They are 12,10 and 7 and we have been sepreated for nearly 4 years.

At first they only saw him for a few hours a week as he was living in a bedsit. Effort made on his part, zero.

Then he got a one bed flat directly behind our house. Since then he has had them on a wednesday afterschool, and overnight on fridays. All of this I had to push for, he didn't want it.

When they go to his he makes no effort at all to do anything with them, doesn't take them out, rent a dvd, play games, nothing at all.
In the summer holidays last year, the only place he took them was to the play area at the end of my road. He does have a car so it's not that.
He doesn't work and so claims he can't afford to do anything with them, yet he goes to the pub and to watch footie.

Non of the dc ever talk enthusiastically about going there, and quite often they say they don't want to go because it is boring, and their dad is always in a bad mood. I have always said that they have to go, but now I am thinking that I should give them the choice.

What do you think ?? Do any of you give your dc the choice ??

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piratecat · 30/01/2010 14:20

I gave my dd the choice at 6 yrs old after forcing her to go for 3 yrs.

Their relationship had deteriorated, and she was always upset. 2 yrs on she's not been there, and he has made mo effort to see her properly, or make ammends.

it depends on what he is prepared to do. I'd give them the chioce, then see what he comes up with. he may go to court etc..., he may not.

SallyBlue · 30/01/2010 14:31

I'd try and speak to him about it. Tell him they have asked not to go and why, and that you wonder if they should have a choice, but that you haven't let them, as yet. Ask him to speak to them about it when they next go and sort it out between themselves.

It's their relationship, he needs to engage or they WILL drift away as they get older because at some point in the future, they will start to make the choice themselves, regardless of both of you

A fifteen year old will not go somewhere they don;t want to

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 30/01/2010 14:41

Thanks

I have spoken to him about it several times but nothing changes. He knows that they sometimes don't want to go, but although I think he does want to see them, he makes no effort at all to change anything.

He wouldn't go to court about it as that would require effort.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 30/01/2010 14:48

Of course they should have a choice in whether or not they go. They are certainly old enough to take the responsibility themselves.

overmydeadbody · 30/01/2010 14:49

Maybe he would actually make an effort if he thought they wouldn't put up with his lack of effort.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 30/01/2010 15:00

Possibly, but I doubt it. He thinks the fact that he has them at all is more than enough effort on his part.

They take loads of stuff with them to keep themselves occupied, and all xp does is moan at them that they are taking so much.

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SallyBlue · 30/01/2010 21:38

Well if you've already spoken several times and he's done nothing, then I think they should have a choice.

nighbynight · 30/01/2010 22:21

Difficult one. A twelve year old can certainly make their voice heard.

I think I would try to push them to keep going for as long as possible.
My eldest does not visit ex h, this was due to violence.
Not having a father is very bad, I would say a don't care father is better then none (although none is better than violent/abusive/alcoholic/drug taker).

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/01/2010 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 31/01/2010 09:47

Thanks for the advice.

I have decided to tell them that from now on, if they don't want to go then they don't have to.

The problem is, I don't want them to feel guilty about it, wether it be going or not going.

I am going ensure that they know that I have no problem with them going, but I think xp will make them feel guilty if they choose to not go at any point.

They see their half sister and nephew when they go on a Friday and so I think they dd1&2 might still go for that reason, but I think ds will be the one to say he isn't going.

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 31/01/2010 09:50

If you give them the choice and they decide not to go there might come a time when months have gone by with them not seeing their father. I am not saying that is a bad thing if he is useless and doesn't bother with them, but you need to think about it.

pithyslicker · 31/01/2010 10:04

I think they should go.

What if in years to come your son says I wish I'd kept in touch with Dad?

My DS is 12 doesn't like going to EX's or to school, but he has to do both.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2010 10:07

i can't believe nobody has asked if there is a court order?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 31/01/2010 10:37

There isn't a court order no.

I also think that they should go, but should I make them go though, thats the point. Most weeks at least one of them express a wish to not go and I always say they must.

Everytime they say that it is boring and their dad doesn't do anything with them I always say that they need to tell him that then, and I think they have in their own way, but he takes no notice at all.

They sit and watch programmes/films that he likes and that is it.

I don't know what to do tbh.

It isn't even like I can say that I think xp will change if he realises they don't want to see him because I really don't think he would.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 31/01/2010 10:38

I think making children go to school is completly different by the way.

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GypsyMoth · 31/01/2010 10:41

sounds like nobody is benefitting from this right now,but it MAY be worth persevering for later years.

one day they will be more on his level,be able to watch the films with him,go to football etc....

depends really if there are any welfare issues with him....or how badly they protest about goin

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 31/01/2010 10:45

They do watch the films with him, but they don't have a choice in that.

It's not even like I can sit down and talk to him about it because I will just get a mouthful of abuse.

I hate him for not giving a shit.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 31/01/2010 10:46

Also meant to say, he has two grown up children from his first marriage, and he is no better with them.

His son very rarely visits him, and xp doesn't go and see him either. His dd does see him, but all xp does is moan that her ds (his grandson) makes a mess in his flat.

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Eglu · 31/01/2010 11:13

If their Dad is not really bothered about whether or not they go then I don't think you should force them. They are old enough to make a decision themselves.

He sounds like a crap Dad and they don't really need him. (speaking as a child of a crap Dad)

cestlavielife · 31/01/2010 20:11

why dont you just drop it to once a week on the wednesday? they get regular contact and keep on seeing him, but dont have to go for a longer overnight.

that way the ball is in his court...

or have them go friday evening but come home to sleep.

or go overrnight friday but cut out the wednesday.

my ex demanded in curt he "see them everyday" - i offered one evening a week then increased it to 2 due to his demands. he didnt make it half the time...judge decreased it to once a week and said "sometimes less is more". the new less regime - he is making it.

newyorkshire · 31/01/2010 22:39

After trying lots of different ways with my DC and going through mediation etc, my children decided about 6 months ago they didnt want to stay at their dads house anymore. They were refusing to get out of my car when I dropped them off with him. I had to bribe them out of my car on several ocassions.

About 5 months ago I decided to stop forcing them to stay as my son was becomming so anxious during the week about his weekend with his dad, crying, worrying, refusing to see him at all. I spoke to their dad about it briefly [can't talk to eachother very much at all-long history]and at the time thought that if we didnt pressure them then they may change their minds-a compromise.

Since that time I always pack their overnight bag and say, 'you must spend time with your dad etc but if you dont want to sleep over then call me'-their choice.

They have voted with their feet and have never stayed over since. They are younger than yours and I wonder if we are doing the right thing. At the end of the day, their relationship isnt that great and they like their own home and the security of it. They see their dad fortnightly and have a choice of two or one days of the weekend with him and his partner. Maybe one day it will change and that's fine too, but I am not forcing them to stay the night at the moment when it intferes with them so much emotionally. I think my ex can see that too as he hasn't put up any fuss about it, or he deep down also knows why they dont want to stay over at his.

anastaisia · 02/02/2010 13:47

Another vote for dropping the amount of contact but keeping some so that they still see their dad a bit.

If their dad does decide he wants to make more effort there is an opportunity to do so and time can probably be increased more easily than completely restarted.

Ex can't say you keep the children away from him.

Children can see that you have listened to them saying they don't like the current situation and have done something to change it.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 07/02/2010 10:14

Update : I decided to leave things as they are for now and then next time they actually say that they don't want to go I can discuss it with them then.

I didn't want to bring it up out of the blue and then be accused of planting the idea in their heads.

I hate sending them off to his when it is so obvious that he is in a foul mood most of the time. I can't see how he expects them to have a nice time.

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