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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

what is reasonable?

51 replies

leosmummy · 07/07/2005 20:29

had a baby with x. 2gether for 8yrs before was so horriable while pregnant - out all the time. realised that he must go to the pub after work on a friday, out on saturday nights till early hours and pub on a sunday. pulled my hair during arguement while he was driving car swerving to scare me.. thought it was a commitment thing be better once ds here.. not so. went out on the night after i got home with bubba after a c section to 'wet the babies head'.
now not togethger but he want the baby 11wks old. obsessed with having him over night but dont trust him to look after ds properly. heard him and his mum saying they can't wait to have the baby in bed and he has got this athena poster thing where he really wants to go to sleep on the sofa holding bubba.
argue all the time. tried having him over to me to see ds but then he is horriable and wishes me dead . he hardly visits for long but came yesterday everything ok cooked dinner while he did bath, he puts ds down half way through bed routine to have a bag or crisps!! i did the rest and had disagreement over something silly as usual and he was raising voice etc asked him to leave and he just wont - just sits on sofa defiantly till he had to go for football..
he just phoned wants ds for weekend but wanted to pick him up at 6pm sat. whats the point? knocks babys rouitine out. arguement followed now having him at 7am next morning..
he only gives me £100 to £120 per month. saying he buys ds things (the odd t shirt and toy and we take turns with milk)..

sorry if you bored.. don't know how to make this work for ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
leosmummy · 07/07/2005 21:06

hes had ds on his own before so i can't say no now can i without seeming as though i am playing games and withdrawing out of spite.

OP posts:
gigglinggoblin · 07/07/2005 21:06

send him a text or a letter from you saying you cant go on like this. i wouldnt let him have any contact because he can keep hold of ds if he has pr and police wont get involved ime. dont do anything til you have seen a solicitor tho. if you dont want their letter to come out of the blue then you can ask them to wait until you are ready

starlover · 07/07/2005 21:07

tell him you have thought about it, and you aren't happy with any overnight stays as ds is far too young and he needs his mum.

tell him that he can see him during the day. but make sure you aren't alone.

tell him you are going to see a solicitor as it's too upsetting for you and ds with the way he is behaving and until then it will be daytime visits only.

starlover · 07/07/2005 21:08

no, it doesn't look like you are doing it out of spite. it is because you are tired of him being a prick!

but also because of his threats to run off with ds.

Original poster
leosmummy · 07/07/2005 21:08

can he keep ds even with a court order? thats so bad.. worried now. i'm sure he wouldn't.. wouldn't want the sleepless nights and the lack of social life..

OP posts:
starlover · 07/07/2005 21:10

how do you mean?

gigglinggoblin · 07/07/2005 21:17

if you have a court order giving you residency, no he cant keep ds. the police can go and retrieve him and you can go to court, say he has broken the order and he will have v little or no contact. i assume atm you dont have residency, you both have pr so equal rights

Original poster
leosmummy · 07/07/2005 21:45

jus has massive row with x. he called me. told him he can't have him over night.
going to c a sol tomorro

OP posts:
suddensingledad · 07/07/2005 22:07

good for you, you'll feel better for it.

Loobie · 10/07/2005 18:12

I have had to do the same thing with my ex,he will not stabilised his visitation of our 3 children he would verbally agree but then not stick to anything messing about and changing when he was coming to visit,he never took the kids out without me as he is incapable of dealing with ds1 who has autism and other difficulties,also we split when i was pg with dd and he has little to do with her leaves the house without saying goodbye,doesnt understand her speech,needs etc etc, so he cant take her on his own either.
I eventually contacted a lwayer after a year of this pussing footing about,i had said frequently that i would and never did but he nearly had a stroke when he actually got the first letter,he ignored the letter which offered him 6 weekly access at my home with me there and phone contact,instead he threatened to have me done in so he would get the kids which he wouldnt anyway as he has no pr,so then on advice from a dr and school staff i offered him more frequent access 4 weekly as it was better for the kids,but this time at a contact centre as i didnt want him in my home after his threats,again he ignored the letter. He only wanted to see the kids every 8 weeks and wanted to take them out on his own which there was no way i was agreeing to.
In the end the solicitor adviced me to stop all visitation to force him to open a court case and allow them to allocate the access which he would then have to stick to.I got her to write him saying no more access except for the phone calls which of course he went balistic at,he started telling the kids onthe phone that he was comning to our home town but i wasnt letting them see him,of course they were suitably upset with ds1 attacking and harming himself,(i didnt know about the content of the phone call till after ds1 reacted like this) so i then stopped phone calls too,i had my house number changed so he cant call the house and just turned off my mobile when he was due to call.It took him all of a week to back off,go away and leave us alone,he's not opening a court case he says,obviouosly because he knows that no court would agree that only seeing your kids every 8 weeks is suitable,so he would be bound by what the court said so he didnt go down that road.
Any way the point of my long story is that maybe just the fact that you are involving solicitors will be enough for him to back off and calm down,if not dont be afraid to go down that road if he is as unstable as he seems.
In the meantime i wouldnt let him have unsupervised contact with your son,if not you tahts there with them someone you trust and under no circumstances would i let him or his family take bubs out or overnight,if he dont like it tell him to let the court decide.Also i wouldnt let on bout the letter till he gets it,then make sure you have someone with you when he next comes round.
Take care xx

Lasvegas · 13/07/2005 10:12

Leosmummy this is v similar to my situation 2.5 yrs ago. Husband of 7 yrs bullied me when pregnant, walked out a week after birth, threatened to kill me and DD and to kidnap DD. He was under care of psychiatrist and the Police wouldn't let him work as said he was unstable. He wasn't eager to visit DD after a couple of months I didn't encourage him. Sold marital home and didn't give him new address and other than a couple of letters (c/o my parents) threatening to go to court to get access have not heard from him since. (other than via his solicitor to sort out the divorce). I took view no father was better than a bullying unstable one. I know this is radical approach but it worked for me. DD now has a loving step father so she hasn't missed out.

smellymelly · 13/07/2005 10:32

Bugger just lost my really long message - aagghh!

Basically... It sounds like ex is just interested in the romatic idea of having a baby. It may not last long.

I would def go to csa, and arrange visits through the courts, I can't imagine they would let ex have such a young baby overnight.

I managed to stop ex -p having ds till he was 3, as I wanted to make sure ds could talk well first! Then he only had him for a bout 5 weekends before he got bored, and now hasn't seen ds or dd for 2 years.

It is a good reason to bf so babies cannot be away from their mothers... Hope that doesn't get me into trouble!!

smellymelly · 13/07/2005 10:37

If you are not married then ex does not have pr, even if he is on birth certificate. You need to avoid him getting it for as long as possible.

Even then it doesn't give him the right to have ds when he wants. Doesn't actually give him many rights at all.

Keep a diary of all phonecalls, visits, times he doesn't turn up, all threats he makes to you re taking ds away etc. Keep it safe and DO NOT TELL ex, that you have it, then you can use it with solicitors to fight your case.

Original poster
leosmummy · 13/07/2005 13:15

he took him on sunday and he insisted he had him from the time he woke up 7.30am then called to say that he was doing overtime and was 2pm ok. then on sunday he called and said could i drive ds to him at 12 after he finished work. bearing in mind i and ds do not benefit from overtime done. i explain ds has been irritable and i was doing pick up put down etc. he took ds out for a 40 min drive to visit old friends later emerged when he called at arranged time (30mins late) that ds was distressed and crying. I asked him to bring him home after called back in 10 min and ds was still crying. called his mum and told her i wanted ds home she called him and said best to come home if ds is upset. then he called to ask me to pick ds up as he is upset again when i was collecting him he said he had been like it all day! and he was moaning that he hadn't seen his pal in 2yrs and all bubba did was cry!! he is a trophey dad but can't see what he is doing that is wrong.
i dont want to take his son away or make it hard but i can't see how to make it work?
scared to see a sol incase it get worse. he will twist everything and by the time i can phone a sol i have calmed down and feel unreasonable. In a way i home he'll get bored and bugger off. did use the bf as a reason for sometime.
he saw ds yesterday and said he was worried he was becoming a 3rd party in his life and didn't know anything about him.. not my fault i explained. he is coming baby massage next time. i feel weak around him like he always wins and i am beeing out of order..

OP posts:
Original poster
leosmummy · 13/07/2005 13:16

can you get residency without going to court? if he consents?
if i see a sol what happens? what shall i offer and when shall i say we will review it?
he works shifts how can we work round that and is it unreasonable for him to do overtime instead of seeing ds?

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 13/07/2005 14:20

Message withdrawn

HappyMumof2 · 13/07/2005 14:22

Message withdrawn

luc1979 · 13/07/2005 19:34

how can i change my mind and say he can't take ds out? when he has been doing?

HappyMumof2 · 13/07/2005 19:42

Message withdrawn

luc1979 · 13/07/2005 20:50

I said that as he was upset the other day i would prefer him to look after ds while i am there so he learns what to do. he'll do everything for ds. he wants me to go with him to his family but i know obviously there is bad feeling now?
I was thinking of 2 evenings till ds goes to bed and 1 weekend day from 10am till bed time? for 1 month then 1 weekend day alone and 1 evening after work home by 6 for bed? is that reasonable? will it be ok for ds? is it ok to say he can only call once a day to check on ds as i feel like he is keeping tabs on my life? he does love ds but i think he is a 'romantic dad'.

HappyMumof2 · 13/07/2005 21:18

Message withdrawn

luc1979 · 13/07/2005 21:34

i just spoke to him again! he called me and we've got into an arguement. he keeps saying that i have stopped him from seeing ds and that every1 he knows thinks i am wrong and he'll have to have him overnight soon. he could have seen ds as much as he wanted but hasn't bothered. he can't understand why ds has to be home when he has had him by 6. said for bed time and he just keeps going on that i haven't always got him in bed by 7 - although i pretty much have done. i'm fed up arguing and now ds has woken up and i am sure it is because we've argued and i am stressed?
he says random things like he will b taking ds abroad next yr and then i struggle not to retaliate with a no. i typed out what i thought was reasonable abt 2 months ago - weekends all day and 1 evening. my point is he has never kept to it - seeing ds less but insists on bringing this document up all the time and showing people as a demonstation of how out of order i am.. i know i shouldnt care what people think but i do

HappyMumof2 · 13/07/2005 21:54

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luc1979 · 13/07/2005 22:05

thank you

Sunfires · 15/07/2005 21:13

My god, it makes me so angry reading these messages. Who do these men think they are????

Leosmummy - What a horrid individual he is. Your son will be so much better off without your ex in his life. He clearly is a terrible disruptive influence & see's his son as a prop to recreate a famous poster. He needs to dissapear & grow up.

Happy mum of 2 - Good on you babe. I have gone through a similar experience to you & likewise felt the need to hide the front door key!
I have an 8 month old dd & since he left us alone 6 months ago, her medical condition has got much better & she is such a happy, settled angel. Stability & love are all a baby needs wherever that may come from. Im sick of people banging on about how she needs a father.
If she could talk im sure she'd say a non-stressed, happy & loving mother is better than a nervous, stressed mum who had to pop pills to take away the nervousness of leaving the house for fear she would be snatched.

Good luck to you all.

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