On maternity leave and just split from hubby

[Nattie1977]

Hi

I am new to Mumsnet and would just like some advice if anyone else has been in a similar situation. I have a 2 year old girl and a 4 month old boy. I split with my husband over a month ago after he has assaulted me (it has happened many times but had enough this time). I am not due back to work until July and I feel as though I am going mad!!! I feel so angry and upset towards my husband but have to be civil with him for when he comes to see the kids. I feel so let down by him that he can do this to me.

Hi Nattie
Unfortunatley I think you will have to ride this out day by day, or hour by hour.
My ex left 5 monthsish ago and I was devastated that I'd become a single mum. My child is older tho, 3 years. But now I've felt I have turned a corner and am much happier.

I think you will find that routine is your best friend, it will force you to think about other stuff. And you must force yourself to get out and about with other mums and friends to just chat about other stuff. Anything to take your mind off it all. You must be pretty busy anyway but what I mean is getting out of the house and distracting yourself.

At some point your anger will fade (but never really go away completely).
And then you'll be proud of yourself and what you have achieved. And so you should be.

At that point you will put your feelings of your ex's complete failure to help you into perspective. I know this might sound strange but when I see my ex now I think 'he looks smaller than he did' and 'what did I see in him?'. Men like that are pathetic and that's what we should feel towards them. Slight disgust and pity!!!!

Hi there,

Good advice from Hanbanan. My ex had an affair while I was pregnant and left when DS was 9 weeks old. I'm nearly 18months down the line now and can assure you things do get better. It does take time and like HanBanan says routine and keeping busy are really important. I found the friends I met through Mum and Baby groups were brilliant because they didn't know ex and didn't really know what was going on in my private life so great just to turn up for coffee/ swimming/ playgrp etc. and chat about normal things. Also try and arrange a few things in the evening, if you can't get a babysitter every now and again get friends/ family to come round to you. Try and arrange stuff at weekends as well, whether thats things with you and the kids or things with friends and family, I found the thought of a whole weekends at home with my little boy very daunting (the reality was never as bad!) but it was nice to plan the odd thing in to look forward to.

One of the things that helped when I had to see ex was always remembering I did nothing wrong and that I should try (!) and maintain moral high ground and be civil and as reasonable as possible...it drove ex mad as it made him feel like crap!!

Your anger will fade (honestly) but you have to let it. I held onto my anger and bitterness for a little bit too long....then realised I was only hurting myself.

Things good now, I've recently me a lovely man, early days but nice to be treated with care and respect!

I can't imagine what it must be like coming out of an abusive relationship and am not sure what to reccomend, I know there are loads of people on this site with loads of great advice on that front hopefully they'll share some of that with you.

Just to reassure you, it does get easier and the anger fades. My husband and I split 20 months ago and are now divorced. He was a complete control freak - to the point that I even had instructions about how to close doors, fill the dishwasher and how much washing powder I was allowed to put in the washing machine! He ruined every night out I ever went out on with his inane jealousy and pettiness. The last straw was when he got drunk and threw me around in front of my DSs. We had a temporary split but in a last bid to get control again, he pretended to attempt suicide. This was horribly traumatic.

I cannot tell you how angry I was everytime he turned up to pick up the kids. Things were unpleasant for some time but taking the control back has it's rewards in the end. I now feel utterly liberated from his nasty controlling ways and the DCs are settled and coping well.

I agree with McCharlie that being civil and reasonable is the way with an ex. My ex would turn up with a scowl on his face and I would over-compensate for the sake of the kids with a cheery 'Hello, Daddy - how are you?'. It was better for the boys and made him feel pretty silly. That's not to suggest that you should give in to him in any way though.

I do appreciate your anger - truly. But in time I'm sure it will get easier.

All the best x