Ex wants to take DD on hol with new girlfriend

[aimeesmummy]

We've been seperated 3 years and he's now on his 4th GF in that time, DD has been introduced to all of them but hasn't yet met the new one. This GF is a GF from when they were in their teens and they've got back in touch recently via Facebook. She's not yet left her husband (nothing to do with meeting my ex, that was all on the cards anyway) but my ex is freely talking about her to our DD and last night told DD that they're all going to go on holiday abroad together in the summer. I'm REALLY not happy with this. There's no jealousy issues, it's just that I don't think introducing DD to the latest in his string of GFs is a good thing until he's sure as he can be that it's pretty permanent. Also, DDs time with her Dad is precious to her as she still misses him, woke up crying the other morning which was heartbreaking, and I want their time together to be one on one, not with new GFs. There's always next year IMHO, and if he wants to spend time with the new GF then they can go away weekends together. Am I being unreasonable? I could always refuse to give him her passport I suppose...

YANBU

It will be really easy to talk him out of this, just tell him the truth, it will be a week on non-stop stress, he will have to get up really early to deal with her, she'll whine for you non stop and it will make a very speedy end to his relationship as he'll not be able to pay his girlfriend any attention or take her out in the evening.

Small children also make the best contraceptives.

Not being unreasonable at all.

Ah but she doesn't whine for me, she has a great time with him and can ring me whenever she wants and she really wants to go on holiday with Daddys New Girlfriend. Huh. So if I say no then it'll be me that's wrong.

The summer is a long way off. If they're going away in August, that's six months for them to either split up or become a pretty solid couple. And for your dd to meet her several times and get to know her well.

I understand why you don't think it's a good idea at the moment but it seems unreasonable to say no to something that far in the future, especially as your dd loves the idea.

Hmmnnn... fair point. I will leave it for now and see what happens. I just think he's not being a good role model introducing DD to yet another GF (like it's OK to have a string of GFs) - and talking about all going away together when it's so early, and it might all go pear-shaped, is giving her something to look forward to when it might not happen, he's raising her hopes.

What else annoys me is that he "only" sees DD every other weekend and one night in the week (OK, I know other Dads see their kids less), surely he has enough free-time to see his GF and his time with our DD should be special. The other 3 GFs, he introduced DD very quickly and the GF became a pretty regular part of their weekends for the months each relationship lasted. I just don't think it's good for my DD to see Daddy with a string of "Aunties" . Anyone got experience of this? Thanks.

well, I think yabu and yanbu.

Yanbu necessarily to not like him introducing your dd to "a string of women" as you put it, but I think yabu to suggest that his time with her should always be 1-1. At some point he will no doubt meet a woman he is serious about, and then she will become a solid part of your dd's lif. As hard as that is it's something you'll have to get used to.

So you'd deprive the kid of a holiday? jeez where do you people get off?

I agree with you Rasputin, I waited a long time for DD1 to meet my DH. I don't think I'd have appreciated ex dictating to me when that time should be though..

It's a toughie, op, I wouldn't feel comfortable with the plan either in your shoes, but I'm not sure you really have a right to say how he works it?

For now I think I'd wait and see, sounds like it could be just a pipe-dream that will never come to anything

yerblurt - no I would not be depriving her of a holiday, I'd just ask that he consider waiting a bit longer to take the new GF with them on a holiday.

rasputin - totally agree, well in theory - it's pretty difficult to get out during the week so the guy I was seeing for months last year used to come over to me for dinner and DD is 8 and old enough to realise there's someone else in the house so they did meet. We never went out altogether tho, I kept it seperate. Thank god I did as he turned out to be a lyin' cheatin' bstd

Sazisi - I don't want to dictate it, I want to just ask him to be sensible about it - she's not even left her husband yet FFS!!!!!!

you can discuss it with him and explain how you feel and maybe suggest that he gets some professional opinion (relate maybe?) if he doesn't want to listen to you, but I'm afraid it's not up to you wether he takes her on a holiday in the end or not.

You'd be very unreasonable to refuse to give him her passport, and he can always just take her away with the GF in the country. It doesn't solve any problems, he's got to understand where he's going wrong and you've got to understand that DD is not your's to rule.

I know all that, I just think he's not setting a good example by introducing DD to one GF after another. I wouldn't not give him her passport if he asked, that comment was tongue-in-cheek . DD has already learned that there are different rules with Mummy than there are with Daddy - so that understanding will just grow and hopefully as she grows up she'll be aware enough to see which is the more acceptable way to be for her. I think I need to book mediation again as he's not paying me enough child maintenance and won't discuss it (it's not changed in 3 years and he's had payrises and bonuses in that time) so maybe I will bring it up there.

"I want their time together to be one on one"

You are unreasonable on that.

"I just think he's not setting a good example by introducing DD to one GF after another"

I agree that's not on, unless he has been serious about them all (in such case, poor man). A lot of people say that is not a good idea to introduce the children until your are damn sure that relationship is the one to keep... but how do you get to know that relationship is the one to keep if you have no idea how that person would relate/be/act/survive around your children?

But in any case, whomever mentioned that by the summer they would have split or become a very strong couple, is right. So... my advice is... wait and see.