Finding a man to accept the 'whole package'

[bethie75]

This is the first time I've ever used Mumsnet but after seeing how much my sister enjoys using it, thought I'd give it a try!

I was wondering about other peoples' experiences of starting new relationships after divorce. I'm divorced with 2 boys, six and seven. My eldest is autistic. I was in a relationship recently with someone who was very kind towards me (not like my ex-husband). He finished with me on New Year's day because he couldn't quote, "handle the whole package". I knew he wasn't really right for me - far to much of a neat-freak, vain etc. but I can't deny it's knocked my confidence.

I have no interest in seeing anyone at the moment but have a terrible fear that if I ever do meet anyone else, this will all happen again.

My boys are hard work. Am I better off just accepting now that I'll just be better off concentrating on my children for the next 12/15 years and take a vow of celibacy or does anyone have some positive experiences to share?

Thanks in advance everyone - hope I'm doing this right!

Hi, first of all welcome. I am in exactly the same position as you. I have two dc and my eldest ds has High Functioning Autism and can be extremely hard work.

Personally I am not at all ready to be in a relationship, my exh was abusive and drank and I feel like I know far too much about the unpleasant side of Men to ever really trust anyone again.

I am seeing someone on and off at the moment but he has not met my dc. He expresses interest in doing so but I don't particularly want him to. He is good fun but has a few issues, sounds like he could be a bit similar to your Charmer from New Years Eve. I don't expect to have a serious relationship again now, have been married twice but I would like someone to have a bit of fun with.

So no particularly positive experience to share, just feeling my way in the dark really.

Thanks for your response. My ex-husband was also a drinker and altogether a very difficult man to live with. I know how you feel when you know too much about the unpleasant side to men. I also feel exactly the same as you when it comes to letting someone meet my DCs - I wouldn't ever want to introduce my children to anyone else to be honest. Ideally I'd like someone who'd just like to go on the odd date now and then, no-strings attached! Is that realistic I wonder?

Have faith!

I was divorced in 2001 after a disasterous 12 week marriage where exh left 2 weeks before I gave birth. It took me a few years and several stupid, badly chosen dates before I realised I needed to recover and work on myself before I could love anyone else.

I was raising my two children by two different relationships, running my home, working fulltime, embarked upon a degree and feeling pretty smug with myself with DH walked into my life - or rather was pushed toward me by my friend at the time! I nearly did not go out on our first date!

6 months later we got engaged and a year later we got married. I finally met my Mr right after all my years of bad choices and unhappiness.

Don't lose heart - it will happen but make sure you are at one with yourself before trying to be involved elsewhere. Things will be a lot more successful for you once you have worked on yourself to the max!

Good luck!

I think it is possible. I have thought quite a lot about this. I would like to have a couple of blokes on the go for drinks, dinners etc and thats about it. I am sure there are men like us who want the same thing. Don't really know where to look though. The one I am seeing at the moment is an old friend who got back in touch a few months ago. He is good fun but gets a bit sulky if I have to cancel things due to child related stuff, which I so don't need.

Good that you have found Mumsnet though, I have been on for about 3 years and have got so much of out it. It really is a fab forum. Beware though, you may find yourself addicted. I belong to a couple of other forums but they are rubbish compared to this one.

Wow - this site really is both supportive and inspiring. Thank you both for your comments. Nice to know there is hope.

In all honesty, I quite like having my independence at the moment. I think you're right - there must be men in the same boat, if only we could locate them. Don't think I'd ever date anyone who hasn't got kids again. They just don't understand.

Definitely see myself getting hooked on Mumsnet!

what a horrible experience bethie, having got the nerve up to date again, but as you say he wasn't right for you in any case
don't let it knock your confidence, who knows what's round the corner
I have been involved with a very nice understanding man who does have dc, but the complications of combining two families' dc is beyond me and right now I am where steel fairy is, I think, looking for someone for a few nice dates but nothing too heavy
I wouldn't think about it too much, as I say who knows what the future holds for any of us
you can't possibly plan 12 years ahead

Good luck - if you work out how it's done, let me know. I've tried dating sites and got precisely... no replies . Dunno if it's my age or if it's just that I'm a complete minger . I think I'll probably just have to settle for trundling along on my own (which is far less effort to be honest).

I'm positive you are not a 'minger'! It's just so difficult to work out how to date someone again, isn't it?

I suppose we should just focus on the benefits of not seeing anyone at the moment - after all, it means we don't have to shave our legs? It also means we can put on our dressing gowns at 8 o'clock and sit in front of the TV with a nice glass of wine, watching any old reality TV junk we like without someone moaning at us!

Perfect!

No personal experience of this as I had no children when I divorced, met my Mr Right and now has 19 week old DD. OH is 3 years younger than me and two of his closest friends are with woman who have children from previous relationships. There are plenty of guys out there happy to take on a ready made family, if they love you enough they will be more than willing.

Happy Hunting

The longer I am single, the more I like it. There are things I miss, of course, but generally I like that it is me and DS and no-one else to worry about. That's not to say it's easy, far from it. And I do feel lonely sometimes. But it could be worse...

Tongue in cheek.

And there are distinct advantage - no leg shaving, as you said, SuperBunny. And parenting just how I want. And only having one toddler and his occasional tantrums to accommodate (who at least has the excuse of genuinely being a toddler).