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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

2.5 years in - when do you stop resenting the fact you're the one with all the responsibility?

19 replies

thesouthsbelle · 26/01/2010 20:09

In fact that's prob the wrong term to use. I don't resent my DS, but I do resent the fact that XH upped and left, when he was abusive/cheated/did god knows what etc with god knows who. do resent the fact that i'm the one who's left holding the baby as it were when it should be something that was being done together.

but 2.5 years in you'd think it would get easier - but it doesn't/hasn't. the biggest thing I think I also resent is the fact that I've sorted out all of DS's school stuff for september, told XH which one to go to etc and didn't even get a ok thank or an i'll look into it thing. He just gets to swan in/out every weekend without a care in the world as long as he pays the maintenance (he does to be fair) but comes and goes as he wants and is basically a glorified babysitter.

sorry know it's wallowing right now.

OP posts:

SingleMum01 · 26/01/2010 20:34

I know what you mean, I have moments like that too, probably all single parents do - usually when you've just picked them up from afterschool after a long day at work, trying to do t, lunches for next day, sort washing out etc etc! However, I also appreciate that it is just me and DS and the other baby (XH!) who I also had to look after but was never appreciated for I don't have to molly coddle round anymore. Its probably so hard for you at the moment as you probably don't get any time for yourself? I found once my DS started full time school (I work part time) having those few hours to myself to get jobs done or just to put my feet up make all the difference.

I don't get any money from my XH, he sees my DS for an hour a week. But I think I'm doing a bloody good job and when my DS is grown up I can be proud I did it all myself - sorry blowing my own trumpet there!

Niceguy2 · 26/01/2010 20:44

I know how you feel. When I first became a single parent it was a bloody great shock to the system and like you I resented my ex who was seemingly more interested in going clubbing than spending time with her kids.

But over time I also realised that I am the only one responsible for my life now. I could choose to carry on being bitter to no avail or I could accept my life as it is and make the best of it.

Don't remember when the lightbulb moment was but I do remember having it. Since then I worked hard on making a happy life for myself and the kids. Anything the ex chose to do was considered a bonus.

Been much happier since. The irony is that now years down the line she'd love to have more to do with the kids but its too little too late. The kids are settled and don't want to change.

Original poster

thesouthsbelle · 26/01/2010 20:55

single - no don't be sorry we should, after all we're all doing a fantastic job, i'm just wallowing at the minute, which isn't good I know.

like you I work pt - well 9-2.30 so DS is 4 next month & goes to nursery 8.30-3 5 days a week, (naturally feel guilty about that!),

nice guy - it's so good to hear not all single dads are like my XH.

it's frustrating he's only interested when it suits him - god knows i'd give anything some days to have a week, or a fortnight in his world!

right now thou the house is a tip the washing pile is over flowing the washing up hasn't been done, the hoovering hasn't been done, work's been - well i'm past caring about work tbh, and ds - he's not being given my full attention.

OP posts:

SingleMum01 · 26/01/2010 21:09

thesouthbelle - do you work 5 days? I work 2 1/2 so get 2 1/2 to myself - sounds a lot but by the time you've done your jobs I usually get half a day me time. Also, by doing that I get to spend the weekend with my DS playing with him and not running around trying to do jobs. However, forget about job, they're thankless tasks, your DS will far remember you spending time with him than the house being clean

Original poster

thesouthsbelle · 26/01/2010 21:16

yup work 5 days now,I know he'll remember my time more than a tidy house - but it's a 2 bed bungalow, and it's so tiny with far too much stuff in it.

OP posts:

SingleMum01 · 26/01/2010 21:21

When he's a bit older what about him doing one day afterschool a week - my DS goes 2 days a week when I'm at work and loves it. It would give you a few hours to do some jobs.

Original poster

thesouthsbelle · 26/01/2010 21:30

yeah tbh i'm wanting to get him into clubs - esp soccer city on a sat am. (YAY! soccer mum! lol!)

why is being a lone parent so hard?!?

OP posts:

SingleMum01 · 26/01/2010 21:33

Ah but its so rewarding too - you get ALL the kisses and cuddles. I remind myself I would have been doing it all anyway even if I was still married!

Original poster

thesouthsbelle · 26/01/2010 21:39

yes this is very very true - XH was at home for 7 weeks during the last year of our marriage (apart form 2 days at the weekends)

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 26/01/2010 23:08

Ok so we get all the responsibility but we also get most of the hugs and when are dc grow up we can say- we did that.

i'd much rather be with d dthan swanning off doing whatever absent parents do!

MrsMorgan · 27/01/2010 11:02

I am over 3 years in and for me the overwhelming feeling of responsibiity seem sot have got worse.

I hate that he gets to do what he likes when he likes, and generally have a stress free life. He doesn't work, and never will again, so he has a care free life.
I don't work at the moment either, but I am at least trying to find a job.

I just txt him asking if he could give me £20 this week (he doesn't pay anything normally), as I am a bit short this week, and he has ignored the txt.

HanBanan · 28/01/2010 09:01

The one thing that REALLY annoys me is when ex gets a great big pat on the back for being such a 'great dad' for having DD for a few hours once a week. When I'm working my balls off to provide and dealing with grumpy mornings / difficult mealtimes and all that niggly stuff.

Why doesn't anyone say to him 'pull your socks up you lazy bugger and put some effort into loving your child'? Aren't blokes supposed to protect their children - you know put a roof over their heads and provide food n clothes etc.? I don't understand why people respect this lazy parenting.

And why doesn't anyone ever say to me 'I don't know how you do it....you really are brilliant'.

I think society should roll back the clock when if a bloke/woman wasn't pulling their weight the local community sent them to conventry until they learnt their lesson.

HanBanan · 28/01/2010 09:04

God I sound a bit bitter....! It just gets to me when people seem to get away it and we n child pay the price.

But generally I'm a happy soul and lets face it life is 1000 times easier in a way without having to deal with disappointing partners every day....

QueenofWhatever · 28/01/2010 14:10

thesouthsbelle, I sympathise as I work four days a week and DD is five. Strangely it is easier now that she is at school, partly because I have a mad busy job (which I do enjoy though) but she is tired and happy with her routine.

In my view, her Dad is not a parent. Yes, he may have her every other weekend and pays maintenance which I know is more than many others get. But that is not parenting.

You sound a bit overwhelmed and slightly depressed actually. I would suggest some practical steps just to make your daily life easier. Can you afford a cleaner, a takeaway one night a week, watch TV and eat chips? Also being organised so you don't have to think makes it less stressful. It may have come to this, but how about meal planning and getting on the Good Housekeeping thread?

Obvioulsy I'm not telling you to pull your socks up. Mariella Frostrup offered a great piece of advice in her column once - every now and then just have a whole evening of feeling really sorry for yourself, cry too much, watch crap TV, drink wine, eat chocolate. It really is cathartic and you wake up the next day feeling better. I do this regularly and have next weekend set aside for this purpose

Niceguy2 · 28/01/2010 14:23

LOL MrsMorgan, my ex is like that. Can't save up £50 spending money over a year to help me out with a school trip but can find the same amount a week later to go out with friends.

I just don't bother asking now. Why ask then get annoyed when unsurprisingly they say "no" or ignore you. I'm just setting myself up for a fail.

Hanban, who are these ppl who think your ex is a good dad and do you even value their opinion? I guess its easier for me. Ppl might all say to my ex "Oh aren't you a great mum!" but I bet everyone of them is secretly thinking "....wonder why they live with dad?"

LadyBiscuit · 28/01/2010 14:30

I don't blame you for feeling resentful - it's not what you signed up for. But your ex doesn't get the joy of your DC. He doesn't get the sleepy morning hugs, get to see the pride when they learn to do something new, will never be the person they most want to see at the end of school/nursery. Yes, you get all the shit and all the responsibility but you also get the love and the joy. And that's why we have kids isn't it?

Your ex is indeed a glorified babysitter. But there are massive downsides to that too - your DS will probably never think of him as a proper dad. How crap is that?

cestlavielife · 28/01/2010 15:14

am slighlty uneasy with the idea a part time dad is not a real or proper dad - i mean all those army dads who go on service - aren't they real dads? do you think their kids think their dad is not a "proper dad"

i dont think part time means they not real/proper/parenting - they could be. a good shared arrangment could be very valid.

is more about the effort put in when they are there, etc. and my ex leaves a lot to be desired...but let's not tar all "part time" dads (or mums) with same brush.

tho yeh, lot easier to swan in and out...and claim you know it all..

on the resentment - well you can live with it and let it eat you up - or let go of it. letting go is by far the healthier option .

resnting him serves no one any purpose.

LadyBiscuit · 28/01/2010 16:08

I wasn't talking about the amount of time a dad spends with his children cestlavie, more about the quality of parenting they do in the time they have with them. Lots of part time dads contribute money, take their kids to the park twice a month and that's it. They take no interest in any decisions that affect their children. That's not being a dad IMO

elastamum · 28/01/2010 22:34

I know how you feel. My ex contributes money but does little else and less and less since he met his new partner. He now lives 2 hrs away sees them one night a fortnight and makes little effort to otherwise engage. I do resent his not making more effort for our kids, but I also think he is a fool as he will never get that time with them back and they will grow up seeing him for what the is, preoccupied with his own life.
I feel for my kids, who already see their father as unreliable. i wouldnt want to be him when they become teenagers

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