ADVICE NEEDED: Do I let my DD go abroad with her Dad

[marsden14]

Ok this is the situation.

I have been divorced from my daughters (5 in April)father for nearly 2 years now. We have an ok relationship, although he is a bit hit and miss with his maintenance payments. Has changed his job more times that I care to remember and lost his license to drive driving in September 2009.
He took her to Spain in August 2008 on his own to his dads villa for a week, and I was so nervous about letting her go, but it turned out they had a fab time.
Now my ex husband has a partner who he has been with for 9 months, and she has a 10 boy aswell. He asked me 3 weeks ago if he can take our daughter to Dominican Republic for 2 weeks in July with his partner and son.
I originally said yes, but what with everything that has happened in Haiti Im just not sure now. I looked into the earthquake and didnt realise that Dominican is the same island just east of Haiti. My parents have offered their opinion, saying about the disease etc that will be there, and the locals in uproar etc.
I NEED ADVICE???

PAVLOVTHECAT - Yes slightly different to Cumbria I think. And yes slightly harsh, but definitely not my ex.
Erm and if my Geography serves me correct, Haiti and DR are the same island, just one is east and one is west.

NICEGUY - I will at least answer your questions before I no longer comment anymore as my decision is made.
1)The reason I go on about maintenance so much is I see it only fair that if the dad can afford to pay for holidays, clothes, horseracing, new cars, then he can contribute to his child. That is why there is a company called CSA. Obviously I think this should be reversed if a dad has guardianship, then the mum should pay.
2) I would like my daughter to know her father, as I never knew mine. There has been times when she hasnt wanted to go to him, which I would obviously never force. He has made his bed, he ought to lie in it so to speak. Its not my fault that when he does have her, he does nothing with her, or sits in front of the TV all day.
3) I suppose I originally agreed to let her go, because I didnt know for sure where they were going, but then what with everything that had happened, its just unnerving. I dont want to wrap her in cotton wool, but its not an ideal time to go to DR, when there are other lovely places to go and see.
4) Me and my DD father havent said a word to her about the holiday so that doesnt come into it.

FEELINGOLD: Why your ex hasnt given you a penny in maintenance in over 2 years is not my problem. My ex has been in dribs and drabs, but will become a guaranteed payment when CSA get involved, as why should he not contrinute towards his daughter. For all his faults 99% of the time he is a good father.
Had he have said Im taking her to Spain, Greece, Florida, Cyprus, Id have happily let her go, but DR no. And thats the truth.

CHOCHOBNOB: Of course I know that MEN can be the carers aswell. I have plenty of friends who are. But I know for a fact if I said to her father, right I cant do this anymore, you look after your daughter, he would bow his head in shame and admit he wont. (This would never ever be a choice I would make thou)
For those who have simply listened, thank you. My choice has been made. Goodnight. x

I don't see what was odd about my comparisons. And last time I checked Cumbria was on the same island as London and New Orleans was in the same country as Florida. The point is how irrational it is to say you believe it's unsafe to go to one country when a different country has a problem. Especially when the tour company and our own government have not seen fit to change their official line. Usually they err on the side of caution as they are the ones who have to sort out the mess and get the bad publicity.

Marsden, I didn't think for one moment you'd change your mind but it doesn't mean I believe your decision is the right one. I suspect your mind was already made up before you even posted and like previously mentioned was after validation, not advice.

Of course he should pay his way in maintenance and regularly too. But the fact remains that this is totally seperate to access.

The way your posts have read is that you painted him as a bad father who doesn't pay his way. Yet you happily would agree to him taking her abroad. Now you say he's a good father 99% of the time yet before you imply he was not able to keep her safe.

Marsden

Then if you are truly worried about the safety of your daughter going to DR then I dont think your decision is unreasonable.

Thank you FEELINGOLD.

'i hope you get a huge shitpile from this'

what a horrible thing to say to someone

Bet you're scared to come back Marsden, how spiteful some people can be. Try not to take it personally, these forums can be quite dangerous places.

I would feel uncomfortable about DD (10)going away for 2 weeks even if it was the safest place on earth and even if I knew she was with lovely people who I trusted implicitally. Is that not honestly what's bothering you, she's only 5 and it's the longest you've ever been apart? If that's the real issue then of course it's OK to feel anxious, I would! But given your ex is a good dad and you like his partner then I think your fears about the location are a red herring.

Pity some other people on here have to be so mean though

There's a lot of things I allow my children to do which makes me uncomfortable.

For example, last year DD went to Germany with school. Frankly I was shitting bricks of all the things that could go wrong. This year she's going camping. My son (8) wants to go on a 3 night school trip to god knows where. He enjoys riding his bike on his own on the streets where cars also drive and could knock him over. Honestly the list is endless of the things which as a parent I feel nervous about.

If I stopped my kids doing something everytime I was uncomfortable I'd have them wrapped them in a huge ball of cotton wool locked in their bedroom.

But no, I am of the opinion that my first duty to them as a parent is not to keep them safe. Its actually to teach them to handle life independently as adults without needing to run back to my apron strings everytime the going gets tough. And for that they will have to take learn how to take risks and the knocks which come with that.

So I must push my own discomfort to one side and accept I cannot and should not seek to control/influence every aspect of their life. And that they will naturally do things I don't want them to do.

Over the last couple of years I've had to learn to accept the decisions my daughter makes. She's 13 now and so long as her reasons are logical, I accept them, even if I do not agree. Because if I don't, if I overrule her all the time and make her do things my way, how can I expect her to be responsible if I do not allow her to be responsible for her own actions??

So if I can do this for a 13yr old child, why can OP not trust the father of her children whom apparently 99% of the time is a good dad. A figure I would not even give myself!

Pavlovthecat - Someone people just ruin things dont they. Shame.

For Pavlov and Marsden a quote:
"That's a horrible thing to say"
Respondant..
"That's a horrible thing to have to say"

Marsden your decision imo is not child focused. It could damage the relationship you have with your child.

It could also lead to court action.
Intially you agreed, so your ex put down money and then you pulled your agreement, on flimsy worries...
Earthquakes are rare events, any court would know that.

ElenorRigby
Damage my relationship with my child? What a load of rubbish. One, he hadnt even booked anything, was just asking, so secondly he hasnt lost any money. And court action.....hilarious!!!

UPDATE FOR PAVLOV: Her father has now booked a holiday to spain in the holidays with his partner, her child and DD. I couldnt be happier. Even his partner has been put off with the location they chose.

Everybodies happy. Well apart from the odd, and I mean odd people on here.

My comment asking about men being main carers was purely because you assumed Niceguy was a rubbish, maintenance avoiding absent father who can't possibly have his children's best interests at heart when in fact he is the main carer of his children.

So anyone who gives an opinion you do not like is to be told to shut up or they are talking rubbish. Nice.
You seem like a controlling person. Very sad when children are involved.

Marsden I am pleased it has worked out for your DD to go away, and that you feel happy and comfortable with where she is going. She will have a great time.