ADVICE NEEDED: Do I let my DD go abroad with her Dad

[marsden14]

Ok this is the situation.

I have been divorced from my daughters (5 in April)father for nearly 2 years now. We have an ok relationship, although he is a bit hit and miss with his maintenance payments. Has changed his job more times that I care to remember and lost his license to drive driving in September 2009.
He took her to Spain in August 2008 on his own to his dads villa for a week, and I was so nervous about letting her go, but it turned out they had a fab time.
Now my ex husband has a partner who he has been with for 9 months, and she has a 10 boy aswell. He asked me 3 weeks ago if he can take our daughter to Dominican Republic for 2 weeks in July with his partner and son.
I originally said yes, but what with everything that has happened in Haiti Im just not sure now. I looked into the earthquake and didnt realise that Dominican is the same island just east of Haiti. My parents have offered their opinion, saying about the disease etc that will be there, and the locals in uproar etc.
I NEED ADVICE???

See Foreign Office travel advice which is updated whenever necessary (including several times a day if need be). You need to check whether any vaccinations/anti-malarials needed and ensure that your dd was covered by decent travel insurance.

depends - going to an holiday resoort is compeletely different to going to stay with realtives on the haiitian border - if a package holiday i would not worry at all.

a cruise ship docked in haiti last week - private beach in north. the passengers had great time windsurfing etc. completely isolated and protected.

I agree with Cestlavie & jkk

A holiday resort would be fine. FO is not saying don't go. Tour operators and the govt are so cautious now that they'd change their advice if there was any perceived problems.

At the end of the day I doubt your ex would fly himself into harms way and even if he would, i doubt his partner would take her son.

Personally I'd let her go.

i have broke up with the father of my 2 little daughters,he is from portugal we normally take are girls for 2wks in summer but that will not be happened as we have broke in bad terms if he was to ask me can he take them himself i would be afraid he wont take them back as im sure you all have heard many times of this happying to others!!! any advice???

Demjess

What is your fear based upon? Has he said or done anything to give you that suspicion or is it just a "fear"?

If you have custody then in theory you are protected by the Hague convention against child abduction to which Portugal is a signatory.

This means if your ex did fail to return them then the Portugese authorities would help return them to the UK for courts to decide.

However best approach is not having to put yourself through the heartache and pain in the first place.

So if you have legitimate concerns (eg. if he's threatened this before), you can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order (PSO) so he cannot remove them without your consent. This is the area where you need a solicitor rather than ppl on the Internet to guide you.

Lastly although you might have broken on bad terms, it doesn't mean he will abscond with the kids. Most men would not be able to take on the roll of full time parent nor do most want to either. So usually you have nothing to fear.

I have made the decision not to let my dd go away in July to Dominican Republic. This is based on several things, not just the state of Haiti at the moment, and the sanitation and masses of people crossing the border.
The other reasons are that June to September is hurricane season in Dominican Republic so I would be worrying that something may happen. And I would never forgive myself let alone live with myself if anything did happen and I didnt trust my gut instinct. I think being a mother and protective over our children is first and foremost.
and if im brutally honest, why doesnt he want to take his daughter away on his own, like he did the first year.
Another factor would also be that he is majorly behind on his maintenance payments, so why should he swan off on a 2 weeks all inclusive holiday when he isnt paying his way.
Am I right in saying he cant take her out of the country without my permission, as I have her passport etc?

Has he booked the holiday already?

No, he can't take the child out of the country without your consent ... but it works both ways. Unless you have a residence order, you cannot take the child out of the country without his consent either (as long as he has PR).

Is it so difficult to believe that he has her best interests at heart, just as you do?
Would he really take her somewhere that wasn't safe.
Or is this really about maintenance payments and his new partner...

This is definitely not about him and his new partner. She is lovely, and so is her 10 year old boy, even though my daughter doesnt like him. Typical 5 year old.
My ex husband has always been the type to show off his cash (when he had it). He would always choose the more expensive, more poshest places to go, rather than settle for somewhere closer to home and also when our daughter wouldnt care either way.
In my mind, regardless of the Haiti Earthquake, it is hurricane season and I would be so nervous. Am I the only mother that would be worried?
And I am starting to wonder if he would be responsible enough. I mean he didnt act responsibly when he lost his license to drink driving, and then needed me to ship his daughter to him so he could see her.

I do think that it is incredibly annoying when people have trouble paying maintenance, yet can find the money for expensive holidays, so you have my sympathy there.

However, I would still let her go, because she will have a very good time and enjoy being with her Dad.

As for Hurricane season, maybe check this out with the company they are going with. Lots of places have a hurricane season, including Florida, but that doesn't put people off usually. I can understand you being apprehensive, but expect it is safe.

OMG, Marsden right now you sound just like one of them mother's who have to be in control of everything and everyone.

Do you seriously think your ex would not keep her safe? If so why do you let him have access? If you do think he will keep her safe, what is it about the holiday?

Your logic about the state of Haiti is about as logical as saying that tourists shouldn't come to England because there was an earthquake in Wales.

To be frank it all sounds like a pathetic excuse to get things your way. YOU don't think he should take his daughter away with his new partner and her child. YOU want to flex your muscles to show him you are in charge and YOU are punishing him for being behind on his maintenance payments. The Haiti disaster is just a convenient excuse for "concern" and you should hang your head in shame that you are using such a terrible situation for your own ends.

Somehow I suspect if you were still together with him and had both booked a holiday to DR that somehow you'd still be going.......

I have 2 words to say to you Niceguy2, and I bet you can guess what they are. You have no right to judge me, my daughter and my ex husband as you know nothing about my situation. I was asking for mothers points of views, not pathetic men like yourself. You are probably exactly the same as her father, and is behind on maintenance, lies at every opportunity, speeds when your children are in the car with no seat belts on, and thinks only about himself. Not nice being judged is it.
I dont want to be in control of everything as to start with we had a nice relationship for our daughters sake, until he got violent and drunk, then I drew the line. Like I said you have not a clue what my situation is, so id prefer it if you kept your opinions to yourself thanks.
Oh and by the way, even if I was with him, I would never book a holiday to DR, as along with me, my daughter hates flying so I wouldnt put her through a 9 hour flight.
Kind regards!!!!!!

So had he already booked the holiday and paid deposits? Will you be refunding him them if he had or perhaps reducing the maintenance arrears to that amount?

To say yes, let him book it (if he had) and then turn around and say no, is a bit naughty (IMO).

Also, you do realise MEN can be the main carer of their children too, right?

celastvielife Oh i am not sure i would be happy 'larging it' so close to wear 150,000 people lost their lives so recently and millions more were homeless, at risk of dying themselves, private beach or no. How disrespectful!

I agree with your decision OP.

(niceguy - a bit harsh no? unless you are the ex?)

Sorry marsden to disappoint you but in actual fact I'm nothing like your ex and you make the assumption that all men must be non-resident parents. Wrong.

Why is it you only want a "mother's" point of view? Are you one of those women who believe only females judge how to keep kids safe? And men by extension will only have them die in some horrible accident because we do not have a womb.

Or could it be you really were not after "advice" but more someone to support the decision you already made?

Let me ask you the following questions:

You keep going on about him being behind on maintenance. How is that relevant to the holiday? Is your daughter pay as you go like a mobile phone?

If you are so concerned about your DD's safety like you claim to be then why does your ex have contact? Surely you wouldn't let your child be looked after by someone who you don't trust, even if he is her father? If I thought my ex was incapable of keeping my kids safe, no court order in the land would make me hand them over.

Why did you originally agree to let her go if he can't keep her safe? You let him take her to Spain last year and yet they have terrorists there and droughts and everything!

If hurricane season is so bad, how do the locals survive it every year?

Pavlov, if you think i am a bit harsh, the principle I'm trying to get over is exactly how a court would interpret it. If he's deemed safe enough to have regular contact then he's safe enough to look after her regardless of which country they are in.

Lastly, who's going to tell DD she's no longer going on holiday and why? Are you going to tell her the truth? Mummy won't let you go because i think your dad can't keep you safe and he's behind on maintenance? Or will you make up some other reason?

Marsden:
"so id prefer it if you kept your opinions to yourself thanks"
Err you as for opinions on an internet forum and then tell someone to shut up when they give an view you don't like...

I agree with NiceGuy totally. Sounds like you just wanted others to validate your unreasonable position.

My exH has not given me a penny in maintenance in over 2 years but i would never stop him taking the kids on holiday because they would love spending the time with him. And although he was a lying cheat during our marriage he is a good dad and the kids love him.

Would just like to ask, if he decided to take her somewhere else, for example florida or greece, would you let her go or is it really the fact its the domimican republic thats the problem.

Be honest.

pavlov -i agree disrepectful.

BUT - they were providing much needed tourist dollars, no?

however, the question was : is it safe to go to DR given tehre has been an earthquake in haiti?

and clearly it was deeemed safe enough for a big cruise comnpany to dock close to earthqueake zone - so domincan republic in a resort is likely to be safe.

the other issues are another matter. i do think in these matters one needs to analyse the bigger picture regarding letting a child go on holiday or not with the other parent....

cestlavie i don't see how they would be providing dollars to the industry, not in any great amount. A private beach is more likely going to pay the not very much money to the country which owns it...doubt that is Haiti?

people go onshore, the people running the local bars restaurants etc receive tourist money. so it benefits "some" people in haiti...in fact some passengers allegedly donated money to HAiti search and rescue etc....but that is a whole nother debate about tourism i think

the beach in question is in the north of haiti - meaning - if north haiti tourist resort is safe, then presumably a beach resort in DR is safe. logically.

so a package trip to a resort in DR is relatively safe - regardless of the earthquake in port au prince.

Thought they were going to the Dominican which is a totally different country, its not even Haiti.

I don't recall anyone advising tourists not to visit London when Cumbria was flooded.

I don't recall people being advised to cancel their holiday's to Florida when Katrina hit New Orleans.

isn't the flooding in cumbria a little less severe than an earthquake killing 150,000 or so? what an odd comparison.