Help me please

[whygodwhy]

My DH has moved out and he is being all reasonable with regards to our separation providing I agree with everything he wants.

It has been a very emotionally abusive relationship and sadly despite my best efforts DS 6 has seen and heard far too much and as his DF was not around much, mainly in the pub, my DS is completely used to being with me 24/7.

Now DH has moved out things at home for me and DS are so much calmer and better, sad it took so long to extract us out of the situation be we are out.

I am very keen for my DH to have contact with DS and hope their relationship will go from strength to strength the problem I am facing is that DS doesn't want to go and stay for any long periods of time yet. DH has lost his temper tonight telling me that he WILL be having him overnight in the week and every other weekend for 2 nights. DS gets very very upset and panicky at this thought. I have told DH that I am very happy to work towards this but at DS's pace, the best end result will be DS going happy and coming back happy.

DH is now saying it will happen in the next 2 weeks, DS heard him angry about it tonight when he came to visit, ended with him shouting at me and me crying before he left. I really want DS to not be scarred by this but I simply can't hand him over when he doesn;t want to go, have persuaded him to have an overnight stay in the next couple of weeks but DS wants to come back after breakfast DH wants to keep him all day, which I understand but unfortunately the abusiveness of the relationship has done its damage and the relationship with DS needs to be built on so that he is happy to go for longer periods of time.

Can he make DS go for as long as he wants or can I make him take it at DS's pace and do little and often and build up, since he left two weeks ago I have arranged fro him to him one night a week for a couple of hours, every other weekend for all day Saturday and all day Sunday and then the weekend he doesn't have him on the Sunday morning. DOes this sound reasonable? What are my rights.My DS only has me to defend him and DH is saying DS will just have to get on with it and not be so ridiculous!

you are pferfectly within your rights to insist that this is done at a pace that your ds will be comfortable with. at six years old, if he has not been away from you overnight before he will be terrified the first few times. also, if he is seeing your dh behaving like this about his not wanting to stay over, it will make him worse. you need to explan to dh, that you are saying this for ds's benefit, and that he is frightened. you are not willing to push him, and have it end up doing even more damage to ds.

Please see a solicitor regarding contact, particularly when the relationship was EA. This will make it more difficult for him to force and coerce and there will be a log of all communication wrt contact.

You can withold contact if you are concerned that he will not return your DS when he should but I would encourage the support and advice of a solicitor before you proceed any further with contact arrangements.

What you have suggested sounds entirely reasonable and absolutely child centered. Your ex is thinking only of himeself and using this as an opportunity to exert control over both you and your son.

Thank you both for your replies, I have this morning contacted my solicitor for advice and she is saying that it has to be at the childs pace and it is very likely the court will support this. DH is being very bullish about the whole thing, telling me I can't tell him what to do etc etc. I suppose it's the first time I have stood my ground with him for years and there is probably as much a battle for control on his part as putting DS's needs first.

I really hoped to sort things amicably but it appears it's going to get quite grim.

Can anyone advise on the whole court process.

having been through a four year court case - that is still ongoing - take a moment. Can you really financially and emotionally afford a solicitor? My estimated costs were £4-6000 maximum but ended up being closer to £20,000 before I had to give up and represent myself. In the end I saw my own solicitors using the same pressures as my ex-partner. They are not your friends.

Be brave think what is best for your child, write it down, come up with a sensible plan for contact, step outside of your own hurt, have clear guidelines for contact and conduct and stick to them.

Good Luck

seek out a family mediation service before you consider a court battle. thats usually what court will order in the end anyway. just sounds like you need reassurance though - Yes, things go at a childs pace. no one elses

Prior to even thinking about court, a positive step would be to have your solicitor write to your ex outlining your proposals for contact and making it quite clear that this will be progressed at a beneficial pace for your child, as determined by you, his main carer.

He may give a little when he realises you are removing his leverage of bullying you directly. He might respond via his own solicitor who will most likely advise him to agree to your terms. If he refuses and takes you to court, he will then already be on the backfoot (and there will be documented 3rd party evidence of his unreasonable attitude) and good on you for putting your foot down. He will not like it but he will have to get used to it!

Thx, the last thing I want to do is end up in court, I see this as damaging to everyone and will only cause lots more distress.

My solicitor is today writing to his with my proposed access plan, starting with little and often and building up the time gradually to build DS's confidence with the new situation.

Hopefully as you say he will see sense at the moment he is screaming pitch telling me that "you and my DS will not tell me what to do and you will do what I say" me standing my ground on this issue is making him rage but all I want is the best for DS.

Hi Whygodwhy
Read this:
'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controling men' by Lundy Bancroft.

Its fantastic and written for women in your situation x

You know, you don't have to have any direct communication with him at all.

Would you accept similar abuse from anyone else? Why should he be able to continue his abuse of you and how dare he use contact to do so!

Don't let him into you and your DS's home to display anger and upset at whim. Make it your haven and a safe and pleasant place. Draw a boundary right across the threshold and don't allow him to breach it if he can't be trusted to show both you and your child consideration and respect.