I really need help!!!!

[mummylou85]

Hi girls.I really need help!!!! I am 23 and I have little girl who is going to be 5 september. The thing is I am not with her dad. I was 18 when I fell pregnant on her. at university life was good. not been going out with her dad long and I fell pregnant. not ideal he didn't support be emotionally, financially. weren't at the birth or scans, denied she was his. It was a mess but after shock of pregnancy i was okay. had my mums support and was quite excited. anyway when my daughter was 12 weeks he changed his mind. but he wanted her 10-12 hours on his own 3 times a week. with a baby and routine that was no good, also he was a stranger too her. my baby was collicy and clingy baby, I had a bad labour with emergency c-sec I was a mess. but me and my daughter got a special bond in the end, but her dad stressed me out so much Im sure I had pnd but never got treatment for it. anyway heard nothing from her dad but when she was 10 months ended up in court battle for 2 years. because he wanted all his own way. all this time he paid NOTHING. my daughter was distressed everytime he was around and he was clueless.

in the end it was out of court because he got high paid job and he couldnt get legal aid so he didn't want too carry on with courts if it cost him money. so every week he sees his daughter but she is 4 and refuses to go on her own with him. which is very strange as she is very sociable and stays at nursery 5 times a week 9am until 3pm. anyway we been stuck in sort of pointless routine. I hate him but been keeping him sweet to keep contact my and my daughters way. I made a huge mistake before christmas and after a few too many drinks ended up having unprotected sex.. it was just before xmas so couldn't get morning after pill.. I feel I was tricked into it because I don't drink but he kept pilling me with drinks. my mum had my daughter because I went to his mums party.. I am so stupid!!!! anyway did a test saturday as I been snowed in with my 4 year old for 2 weeks as she hates the snow. my last period was 12th december so due sept 18th... now I am scared and so depressed... he pays nothing for his daughter i tried contacting csa they do nothing. I was planning going back to uni and doing teacher training but cant with a baby. I am not working. I manage ok with one. i can budget with one but not two.. I really don't want this baby and all the stress of it. i'm worried my 4 year old will be short of stuff cos a baby too provide for too, worried of courts again, what if he gets shared residnecy and takes them. if he could look after them i understand but he won't. in 4 years everytime I take my daughter there she don't even get a drink nevermind something to eat. I take her own snacks etc.. he is compulsive liar. since that night he keeps pestering me for sex which I refuse everytime but I am feeling bullied. I told my mum I was pregnant she was confused as I hate him but she supports me, I told her I don't want it but she said you can't kill your daughters brother or sister you would regret it. i agree. abortion goes against everything I believe in. but I feeled I have ruined my 4 year olds life and cant bring a baby into this mess. not told him yet as that is when the problems start. what do I do??? sorry so long x

I feel awful because some people are trying for a baby and deserve one. I can't stop crying.... I can't sleep, I feel sick.. it's affecting how I am with my daughter as she knows I am not happy!

i think you truly know what to do don't you? don't feel awful. this does not sound like a good/stable/self-esteem building relationship from the start.
I would abort. sorry if that upsets others. But that's my honest opinion
good luck.

Hi! i am in a similar situation, except 2 differnt dads, am now 25 weks pregnant and was pertrified from the start. My Ds is 3 and i finished uni, graduated in july and got preg in august, was hoping to go on and do my teacher training starting september, but wasnt fesable with a 3.5 yr old and a 3 month old. although have now excepted a flexible place, which means i can start anytime up untill next august, i wouls have a look into what aother help you would be entitled to, you will get most of your childcare paid etc.
it sounds stupid now but once hormones have setled things seem a lot differnt. i understand that you want the best for the child that you have, i felt the same way, but i also think that is down to knowing what is to come and expecting the worst.
i would contact him again and ask what he intends to do regarding paying for his children.
take care

Practically, if you really do want to keep this baby, then don't tell him that it's his. He doesn't have to know. Given his behaviour I think he has lost the right to know.

It sounds to me as if you and your daughter would be better off without this man in your life but that's not really for me to say.

As for spoiling things for your DD, I very much doubt that'll be the case. You will be giving her the gift of a younger brother or sister. I think that's probably worth an awful lot more than the material things she may need to be without.

Please, please, please try to be kind to yourself and take things easy. Your mum sounds great and she'll obviously support you again. x

Hi - sounds like you are having a horrid time - dont beat yourself up for what happened, its easy enough to do.

there are plenty of really desperate, caring people out there who cant have kids of their own but would be great parents and who are looking for a baby to adopt - have you thought about doing that? This would not be about abandoning this second baby, just placing her somewhere where s/he will be able to get more support and you will be able to get on with your studies and caring for your firstborn? thining about abortion is all very well but a lot of women do regret it and have a hard time getting over it.

Take care

You are still very young and have had a very difficult few years. I'm 40 and knowing what I know now, I personally would have a termination and bring my DD up on my own. If she wanted to see her Dad, I wouldn't stop her but I wouldn't make her.

You are doing the best you can, but you also need your own life. I think you need this man out of your life, he sounds destructive and abusive. It's not a great role model for your daughter, a strong happy parent is the best thing you can be for her.

I really feel for you, your life sounds hard. It won't always be like this and you can be happy. Enjoy your daughter and love her and yourself as much as you can.

Aww huni sounds like you are feeling really confused, and who wouldn't be faced with your situation. I was in the same situation 2 years ago I ended up having an eptopic pregnacy in the end, maybe from so much worry and stress (who knows).
It is really tough and a big decision and only you can decide... you know the history of this guy (that he hasn't helped much)so have to decide to be a Mum and a Dad to this child.
I wouldn't worry about your study to much you can always pick that up again.
Just read over your post again.... how you are feeling is how I felt when I thought about an abortion with my son many years ago. I couldn't do it. I was just the same as you are feeling so maybe it isnt the right choise if it making you feel so rubbish?
Either way you got to stop beating yourself up so much over this.

thank you for all advice.. espec with everything you all got going on too, means alot.

my mums idea is to give him a different date like end of october and tell him it's not his. But I got a feeling he won't believe me. everytime I do contact my mum said to leave the baby with her. just pretend I had the baby early. This stresses me because if any of his family come to the house they gonna see the baby. my mum works so there only so often she can have baby. if he took me to court and ordered me for dna test I look even more stupid. but if he knows he make our life hell. I wish I could cut him off. I don't think I can fight anymore in courts. I found them very biased and all on fathers side. no matter what he done they had excuses for him. he nearly dropped my daughter when she was a newborn twice. I have ignored ex all week, he sent me a text asking if Iwas pregnant by any chance??? I ignored it but that looks suspicious. really does. he only sees her once a week for about 2 hours which I feel quite lucky as he could have got so much more but he is pushing for more.

can't thank you all enough for replies.. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, need to make my mind up soon to either confirm preg or abort, so hard! xx

mummylou I just wanted to say that I hope you've managed to come to a decision that feels right for you. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation which isn't very helpful, I know. Please don't beat yourself up for having slept with this man. Its enough to know that it was a mistake - you can't change it but you can promise yourself that you won't do it again. It sounds so complicated, and you sound like you'e doing such a good job of trying to do the right thing for your daughter at all times. If you do keep this child, I wish you all the support in the world, but if you don't then I wish you even more.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone was thinking of you and knows that you will make the right choice - whatever you decide xx

hi do wat your head tells you to do!! cause your heart will heel ,im 40 and stuck in the house wit 4 kids loves them 2 bits but im alone no help men dont care about that!! they will ALWAYS put them selfs 1ST SELFISH i wish you wellxxxxxxxxxxxxx

have been watching since you first posted, as i said im in a similar situation, your mum amy be right about telling him the dates, she sounds lovely and supportive. only you can decide, and he cant really force you to court especially if he doesnt have his name on birth cert, you could post in legal they may be better at this or go to your local CAB and get all the advicce ther that you need and he never has to know.
its more difficult when you have another child to add into the equation, because you seem to get split in 2.
hope all works out ok and if your only 6 weeks you have plenty of time to decide.
take care