Please please help me with my ex's abusiveness

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Hi

Been lurking on here for a while and you all seem very strong, sorted ladies..so here goes..

I'm divorced (been separated 4 years) and have a 6 year old DS. There is a long history of domestic abuse with my ex and to cut a long story short - since we've separated I've had to contact the police several times when his harassment and abuse have become too much.

In the past year he has got worse because he thinks I'm seeing someone (I was but not any more) and if he find out that I've been out for example he sends me abusive texts calling me 'prostitute' and 'whore'. Twice in the last few weeks he has unleashed this anger (and namecalling) at contact handover time, which understandably has shocked and confused DS. So I've insisted that all handovers from now on are done via the childminder which solves that problem...but I know he is badmouthing me to DS and has been for a while.

DS is normally a happy, confident child and I can see how he is affected by his father's behaviour. Recently he has been saying he doesn't want to see Daddy because 'Daddy doesn't like you'. So upsetting - up until now I've always bent over backwards to keep the contact between them going but to be honest now I am having to weigh this up with the emotional damage that my ex is doing to our son.

I am thinking more and more of stopping contact temporarily so that my ex will be forced to consult a lawyer (I have one, he doesn't) in order to reinstate contact on a formal legal basis. I've been told that because of the history it may be that supervised contact is ordered for the future.

Has anyone been through similar and stopped contact ? I just feel so sad its come to this but feel I have no choice....

Thanks so much for reading !!

yes. i stopped contact for a variety of reasons. ex took me to court eventually where 2 years later,we're still at. h's showing his true colours. cafcass were involved too.

change your number...keep contact via email,which is easier to keep copies of.

I had similar problems, but was told in no uncertain terms that once unsupervised access was granted, it was extremely difficult to change to supervised access.

I was also told that supervised access is only intended as a temporary measure and not a long term one.

I wonder what your grounds for supervised access would be, since it is more likely if your XP poses a danger to your DS, and if he does pose a danger to your DS, why is he still seeing him unsupervised atm?

Thanks for your replies!

I will contact my solicitor tomorrow. Its good to know others have been through the same thing. I know I have to get tough now, for my son's sake.

Its funny - reminds me of when I left him - waiting for that final straw that breaks the camels back so that you feel justified in leaving if you know what I mean. Stopping contact is such a big step...

Remember that stopping contact is his fault. It's down to his behaviour - if he could act like a civilsed human being you wouldn't feel the need to stop contact. As it is, he's an abusive arsehole who may be seen by the courts as a potential danger to your DS. Get as much evidence as you can of his abuse on record (if you have had to call the police then there will be records already), have a chat with Women's Aid about managing contact with abusers, and don't let the knobber grind you down. BEst of luck.

Sorry sparklefrog, cross posted

Up till now he hasn't posed a physical threat to DS, contact seems to go fine most of the time...but I'm just worried about the emotional effects of his Dad saying nasty things about his Mum a lot of the time, not to mention the times DS has witnessed his Dads abuse and temper towards me.

I think what I need now (rather than supervised access maybe) is for all communication to be between lawyers and to take myself out of the equation, iykwim.

Thanks SGB - good advice! so good to hear feedback from you guys, much appreciated.

I am reading your OP as you have no formal contact arrangements in place, but have arranged contact as a private arrangement between your XP and yourself, and now, due to your XP's behaviour (denigrating you to your DS) you wish to stop the contact completely, and go through the courts for supervised access.

Do you believe your XP poses a physical/emotional etc threat to your DS? I am just wondering why you want formally set out supervised access? Has your XP been violent or abusive towards your DS? Or are you trying to avoid having to come into any contact with your XP, thus preferring supervised contact?

X posted, sorry.

When is your DS witnessing the abuse and temper from your XP?

Hi sparklefrog- Yes thats right, contact has been arranged privately between us up till now. But because things have gone downhill so rapidly in the last year (mainly due to the fact he is furious at the thought of me seeing someone) I think what I need now is for it all to be in the hands of lawyers.

So not necessarily supervised contact, just safe contact with times written down etc. So at least there are rules in place.

Yes, put the rules in place ASAP - that your XP may not harass you with texts, phone calls, etc - if he's going to behave like that you can insist that all contact must be through a third party and only be about DS. Keep a record of abusive/threatening texts etc. And remember that your DS' rights are more important than the rights of his father - DS has a right to be safe, and his father does not have the right to be aggressive and/or violent in front of him, such behaviour means the father forfeits his 'rights'.