my daughter doesn't want to go to her dad's

[oystermum]

My five year old daughter has to spend every other weekend at her dad's 50 miles away, and quite often she simply doesn't want to go. This is causing her a lot of anxiety and tears the week preceding her visit. I try to be upbeat and reassuring, and there is nothing sinister for me to worry about. She simply doesn't like being away from home and misses me.
It is impossible trying to talk about this with her father as he feels that her behaviour is my doing. Recently he became very abusive towards me when she was ill which meant missing a visit, accusing me of lying, despite my pleas for him to be reasonable and rearranging the visit for the following weekend.
We do not have a good relationship after breaking up when she was a baby, but I have never denied him access and was regularly taking her to see him on a monthly basis as well as allowing him as many visits as he wished.
However, he took me to court last year to get more access, despite my pleas that this was a destructive rather than constructive process, and he refused mediation. The case cost me huge amounts of money, which I resented deeply, particularly as he does not help with our daughter financially, while he received legal aid.
With the new year, I have made efforts to improve our relationship, and realise above all else that our daughter needs to see us behaving civilly towards each other, which I have always tried to do. But my efforts are not reciprocated and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want and can't afford to go back to court - besides what would they do? The arrangement we have is standard now for fathers.
I worry about breaking the contact order as I have heard horror stories about courts taking a child away from the mother for doing this. However, much as she does enjoy seeing her father, having to be away from home so often is causing my daughter so much distress.
The courts are supposed to act in the best interest of the child, but how can this be the case if it is not what the child wants? I do not want to deny her a good relationship with her father, but there must be another way. It is not even possible to ask his family to help as he has broken off all ties with them because he feels they have taken my side. Can anyone help?

Write a letter experessing your feelings so he doesn't interupt you? Maybe (sorry not an expert. Continue to speak to his family even though he doesn't maybe.

dd is at school,yes? so assume there will be days she doesnt want to go....just like the dentist and other things life throws at us,so we go anyway as we know its in our best interests,long term. so she nneds to build this relationship with her dad.....and thats backed up by a court order. she has to go

however,maybe change details of this....how are handovers done right now? you could return to court for variation,and get cafcass involved,but due to her age,not alot will be done by them

try www.wikivorce.com...the forum there is good with this kind of thing

oyster, I don't know the answers, but i understand how hard it is to do, to force them to go.

I forced my dd for 2 yrs, from age 4-6. I thought i was doing my best.

I don't have a court order, so i know my exp is not the same, but he is joint parental responsibility and we did have a statement of arrangements in our divorce.

All you can do is keep going with it, and know you did what was expected of you. See how it goes for a few months. My ex stopped putting in any effort, over the last 2 years. it has gradually stopped, although I was able to say enough is enough when she was so upset at leaving one day. She didn't like being away from me, no and this started at about age 5 1/2. In the end he became volatile and his wife was belittling dd. I'd get all the tears and the fear would come out when she was away form her dad. of course it was all my falut, but hey what hasn't been.

It sucks.

Hi oystermum, very sorry to hear this. I know how distressing it is for you to see your daughter so upset. You are your daughter's primary carer and the constant presence in her life and 50 miles away is a long way in a child's eyes. From my own experience, I found that my daughter had a fear about being away from me because she was afraid something might happen to me whilst she wasn't with me. As she saw it, if that happened, she would have to remain with her Dad. I sought professional advice and I would strongly recommend it as it can be very helpful in court and it means there is an objective view available to your ex. Many men carry enormous anger and bitterness towards their ex partners, particularly if they were left. It's far easier to blame the ex than try to focus on the child's needs. Try to find yourself a family therapist, who specialises in this area. Your solicitor might be able to recommend someone. If you do end up back in court, a professional view will help you. And now give yourself a pat on the back for all your efforts to ensure your child could maintain a relationship with her Dad. Good luck.

ask Gp about referral to a family therapist .

someone outside who can speak to you child thru play and find out the cause of the anxiety.

also maye new strategies for you to adopt - it is nice she misses home but she needs to know you ok without her, for example?

and if her relationship with dad is good then the concept of "two homes" should be one she can understand? is it about her toys? her clothes? or ????

it doesnt make much sense - if she enjoys being with her dad then being away from home for a short time - if she knows for sure she will come home again - should not cause such levels of anxiety. she may have hidden fears - which may or may not be justified - that have not been expressed...

is the anxiety affecting her school work? have teachers noticed?

get a family therapist involved - if you do have to go back to court you need to show you ahve explored every avenue.