Single new mum feeling scared and alone.

[rockabyebaby]

Will give you a bit of back ground first!

My baby is 5 months old now.

my husband told me he no longer loved me when i was 2 days over due and left me.For me this was out of the blue he had been a bit off but thought he was worried like me about the arrival of the baby.

He only seen baby 3/4 for times in first 8 weeks said he couldnt stand seeing me!not sure what id done so bad never started rows but did cry alot!

then he told me he made a mistake bla bla and we started going to relate this gave me real hope as it was all his idea.

2 months later i found messages on his phone to someone else when i asked him about it he laughed in my face telling me i shouldnt have checked his phone.Clearly he didnt love me and i said one of us should leave the home he told me he was going no where so i left taking the baby with me.

iv now found somewhere to stay and we are trying to work out shared parenting.

i have friends (no one close) and family but cant tell them how i feel which is scared and alone.my life has changed so much i dont know who i am anymore.everyone thinks im coping but i dont know if i am,eveyone says im lucky to have my baby out of this mess but i dont feel like that,but mums cant say that can they?

i love my baby so much but sometimes wish i couldnt just turn back the clock so i didnt have to deal with all of this.

guess im asking does anyone else find it hard? worry if they are doing enough?

yes, it's very hard, but it gets easier and you will get more confident.

From the sound of your post it is your XP has behaved very badly and was not mature enough to cope with the reality of a family. You tried Relate and he screwed it up for you all.

If you feel unable to speak to any friends or family can you go back to Relate on your own to get it all out and help you decide what to do next? I went back on my own after I split with XP and it was very helpful, they charged half price for it.

I always worry if I am doing enough with my 2 dc's. In fact I have just been signed off sick for 2 weeks as I am struggling with work and 2 pre-schoolers, we need to slow down and I have to get on top of life again. It's made harder with the crappy weather though isn't it? Hang in there, your baby is still very young so thats a challenge in itself, let alone doing it on your own. Try and talk to your family, there aren't any medals for putting a brave face on it .

I am very similar to you

H left me at 37 weeks pg with my fourth baby. She is 13 days old now and im struggling to cope emotionally sometimes.

My H said he didn't love me too.

I am finding it hard. \i too wish i could reverse getting pregnant, \tbh. I feel resentful but we have to make the best of wwhat we have.

You need to be able to talk about it though. I'm sure your family would want to help? You can attend relate or other counsellor alone.

Rockabye, I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. It will get easier as your baby gets older. Please try to talk to people in RL and/or keep posting on here. I think you might be surprised how many people are in a similar position.

thank you, i think you are right i will try and talk to someone about it.

i guess there are lots of people in my position just hard when friends/other mums talking about family days wanting 2rd babies i feel very left out and ashamed about the whole thing.

You poor poor love. What a horrible time you have had and yes, it is hard to count your blessings when everything has turned to shit. To be rejected in such a manner is hard at the best of times but at the same time as having a child is just unforgiveable. Well done though for trying to work things out. Him being a massive bastard is no reflection on you, take some comfort in having tried hard to resolve things with him and continue to try to make shared parenting work but prepare yourself for him running away from that too. Please try not to rely on him too much because he sounds a bit of an irresponsible and unkind asshole and I am quite sure at some later stage he may turn the knife again.

Yes of course you are lucky to have a child but the first few months is such a strain on its own that I can see how you feel at breaking point with it all. You have had to move home, you are still unsettled and no doubt have lots of practical things to put in place still with regards to contact/finances etc. All the things you are feeling about loss of identity etc are really quite normal for lots of women when they have a child, yours has been compounded by having your hopes crushed by someone who does not deserve you.

Take heart from the fact that this will pass. I had a similar situation but left with older children and felt incredibly desolate (an example of this was me sat in the bath christmas day crying my eyes out and unable to face anyone) I felt like I would almost die from grief and pain but I had to carry on - as you do. My only advice to you would be to play it straight with your ex, having the moral high ground in the long run will provide some comfort. Try to reach out to someone and be honest about your feelings. When people have babies, we all play the 'oh it's so wonderful' card with one another, yes it is, but sometimes it is dreadful too. You are not wrong or selfish or unreasonable for having these feelings, something terrible has happened to you - everyone will tell you that you will be fine (and of course in the long run you will be) but they tell you this because they care and they want it to be true. It is hard to know what to do with someone so very hurt so often people do nothing. You are not a bad or unloving Mother for having these feelings, you are just overwhelmed after a terrible trauma and you need some time to adjust.

Try to get some counselling, someone to talk to with no consequences is a good idea and they will show you some unconditional care (which I think you need)- be angry and stay angry for a while. You have had a wrong done to you and you will need this energy to get through the next few months or so. You have already shown yourself to be smart and resourceful by coping this far. This can be a lonely business but try to reach out to others, let them help you, don't let them think you are fine if you are not and be as close to your family as you do need them and they will want to help you. Just be honest and ask for help - I am sure you will get the love and kindness you deserve.

thank you for your v kind message i too spent xmas day crying trying to hind away!

feel like people must think what the hell has she done to make him do that to her.

we had known each other for 14 years, together 6 i just cant understand where the respect has gone.

i always try and not let my feelings get in the way of doing whats right for our baby but boy does he push me at times!!!

i think talking to someone i dont know and doesnt know me is the best thing (guess thats why i posted on here) plus no one i know is in a similar situation (lucky them).

just posting how i feel has made me feel better as i hide it everyday so everyone thinks im fine! also as the tears have flowed iv realised its time to do something positive to make myself feel better

As a first port of call go to your GP. They can refer you for counselling and impress on them that it is urgent. If you don't get what you want from the first Doctor, do not be put off, try another. There is a baby in the middle of this and that baby needs their Mummy to be as well and happy as she can be so persevere. And it matters not what other people think, I doubt they think it is anything to do with you but rather cannot say anything because it's just so terrible. Do not be ashamed of yourself, we are all brought up to believe the myths about marriages and babies and how it is all going to be fine and when the wheels fall off it is often the victim of the situation that feels to blame. Do not waste your time trying to understand why he has done this, I know it hurts but it doesn't actually change anything about the situation and helping yourself is the priority.

The best way to love your child is to honour their Mother - I paraphrase I am sure, but this gives you the measure of this man as a Father.

You are very brave. It is remarkable that you have been so honest in your post so treat this as a new start, treat every day as a new start and try your best, that is all any of us can do. You are clearly very shocked, it's a bit like a death in that respect. Keep your chin up, keep posting and try to move forward a little each day. Remember, in a few years this will just be a footnote in life's complex pattern and you will be happy again.

yeah i think i thought if you marry this cant happen to you!!! what was i thinking!!

thank you again your words have really helped x

Hi there. You might think its crazy but try and find a church where you can talk to Christian mums. They will listen and take you under their wing. God can help any situation. You only need to ask...Have faith. Bless you!

I am in a similar situation. My baby is four months old. Her dad has never been to see his daughter and lives across the street with his new girlfriend. Funnily enough what has helped me most is making sure I go out every day whether it's to a sure start group to meet other mums or just the library .....it's a cliche but time heals ( we split when I was 6 weeks pregnant). I had lost contact with a lot of friends and family but what happened to me became an opportunity to get to know them again and get close. I still have really bad days and I did lose it recently and went to shout through their letterbox but on the whole things are ok. The best advice I was given was to focus on what i have rather than what i don't have.....a lot of my friends have not been successful in having kids. Also the best revenge is to live well. I actually feel ok now when my ex and gf drive past us when i'm out with the baby in pram. It's his loss. He is the loser not you. Good luck. You are not on your own! x

Lawks alive Rockabye, you have been through a terrible ordeal, I'm not going to proffer any advice as it's been very well covered but I will add that I think the very fact you are still standing is bloody amazing. You've been through more than many people and are coping extremely well by the sounds of it.

That said, if you have a broken leg, you don't walk round on it, you get help to get it healed. The same goes for emotional injuries. Oh and don't you dare blame yourself.

Sending you a huge hug and a hand hold.